


Fight to Forget

by SaphireCorona



Category: The Walking Dead & Related Fandoms, The Walking Dead (Comics), The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Break Up, F/M, Past Relationships, Pre-Apocalypse, Someone stop me, Swearing, because I like to swear, bored, maybe smut, new relationships, shower thoughts, then post apocalypse, why am i writing this crap
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-22
Updated: 2018-11-12
Packaged: 2019-01-04 00:11:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 70,904
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12157644
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SaphireCorona/pseuds/SaphireCorona
Summary: Cassie Monroe was married to Negan before the end of the world came but after they had a fight, she drove to her brother's to cool off. Unfortunately for her, the dead came back to life while she was gone and she hasn't seen Negan since. A few years have passed and Cassie has been safe and sound at Alexandria where she meets Rick. As they grow close, she soon finds out that her past is about to catch up to her and she may not like what its turned into.





	1. Hurt

**Author's Note:**

> Hey....so I was taking a shower this morning and this awful idea popped into my head and I couldn't stop my sad little fingers from typing and now here we are. Who knows where this will go or how long my excitement will last but we gonna see. 
> 
> Is it crap? Probably. Do I care? No. Should you read it? If you got nothing better to do, why the hell not?

I threw the empty glass beer bottle at him with wet, black trails of mascara forcing their way down my cheek. I was aiming for his head but he dodged it just in time and it broke into sharp, jagged pieces against the wall. For a moment, I felt vaguely like the shattered bottle that piled at his feet, but then I picked up the dusted over picture frame that held our wedding picture and chucked that towards him next. 

“I can’t fucking believe you!” I screamed hoarsely. He scowled at my choice of distraught ammunition. 

“Would you stop throwing shit at me and let me fucking talk?!” He grabbed my arm before I could pick up another heavy glass something and I beat his chest with my other hand. My black hair stuck to my tear dampened face as I continued to swear at him. “Cassie! Stop!” His words were harsh and demanding, but I didn’t hear them.

“I don’t want to fucking talk to you, you piece of shit!” I hit him as hard as I could across his clean shaven face and he let me go, his dark brown eyes growing impatient with the both of us. “I’m going to my brother’s so I don’t fucking kill you.” I snapped.

“Cass, wait, you can’t just fucking leave.” He followed me into our bedroom where I grabbed his duffel bag that he usually took to work and started stuffing it with clothes from the dresser. I didn’t even know what I was grabbing. I couldn’t see through my sore, red eyes anymore but I didn’t care; I just needed to leave. “So that’s it? You’re just gonna take your shit and go?” He didn’t try to stop me and I didn’t know if that hurt worse than the fact that he had gotten drunk and had a one night stand with some floozy college girl at a bar. 

“That’s the fucking plan.” With a huff, I crammed the remainder of the clothes into the bag and zipped it up. I stole one last glance at the unmade bed that we shared and I almost felt nauseous at the fact he was in someone else’s bed the night before. He grabbed the bag before I could and I glared up at him with all the betrayal and hatred that was boiling inside me and ripping my heart apart. “Give me my shit and get out of my fucking way, Negan.” 

“Cassie, I’m sorry, okay. It was an accident, a stupid fucking mistake.” He tried to wipe a tear that was lingering on my jawline but I jerked away from his touch. “I love you, baby. I’m sorry, you gotta believe me.” 

“You shoulda thought about that before you fucked up and fucked someone else.” I sniffed back another round of tears and ripped the handles of the bag out of his hand. “I’ll text you when I get there.” My shoulder knocked against his chest as I strode past him, grabbing the car keys off the small table by the bedroom door on my way out. 

“Cassie! Wait, God dammit!” He shouted after me in an attempt to plead his case but I quickened my pace enough to beat him to the front door and slam it shut on him and whatever bullshit story he was cooking up. “Fuck!” Even as I got into the beat down dark blue sedan I could hear him shouting from inside the house and throwing things against the wall in the midst of his regret driven rage. 

The axles of the car creaked as I backed out of the driveway and turned onto the road. My phone started vibrating in the pocket of my holey, washed out jeans as I angrily pushed my foot onto the pedal. There was no way in the seven circles of hell that I was going to answer that call or the multiple ones that he kept making afterwards. I couldn’t let myself hear his voice because I was afraid that I would say something that I wouldn’t be able to take back. I knew he would be able to convince me to forgive him. 

He was sweet and charming and a little off putting to everyone else but me. I could never say no to him, especially when he smiled. He was the tall, dark and handsome to my average height, dime a dozen body, dark haired, pale complexioned, humdrum, nothing out the ordinary self. His boyish charm won me over when we met in high school and lingered perpetually. As a freshman, everyone thought I had lost my mind when I agreed to go on a date with a senior and the resident bad boy, no less. How was I supposed to resist a sweet talker who could pull off a white t-shirt and blue jeans with short dark hair better than anyone who ever attempted it? It was like he had walked straight out of a movie and into my dull, lackluster life. 

I smiled bitterly and hoped that ten years of my life, our marriage, hadn’t been circling the drain just to leave me high and dry with a late twenties divorce.   

When I realized I was no longer imbued with the buzzing of my phone, I turned the radio on to drown out the silence. As I sat back, I saw the dark streaks that stained my cheeks like war paint in the rearview mirror. I pulled my sleeve down over my wrist to wipe off the evidence before running it under my nose to dry my upper lip of salty droplets. The sun blinded me as I reset my eyesight to the road and I flipped the visor down to block the rays. 

“This morning the CDC released an updated report on the numerous outbreaks of rapidly developing fevers that have been found to cause extreme irritability, and in some cases, violence, in a number of those who are infected. Public health officials are advising those with weakened immune systems to stay indoors--.” The high strung voice of a middle aged woman was cut off when I changed the station. This ramped up flu had been talked about every evening on the news for the past two weeks. Every time it was brought up, Negan would scoff and comment on how everyone was being a pussy about a head cold. Being the gym teacher at the high school, he wouldn’t let anyone off the hook for running the mile just because they didn’t feel good. 

“Violence in Charlotte, North Carolina has resulted in two fatalities and numerous casualties. Police have not made a statement yet on the attack but many locals are concerned that the recent epidemic may have been to blame. More on this at 7:30.” A young man spoke on the next channel before a line of commercials ran. I grew desperate to find something a little more upbeat and scanned through the radio before randomly stopping on a station. 

“But did you see the video of that guy just taking a chunk out of that dude’s face?!” The DJ’s voice was perkier than everyone else’s but the topic was no less grim. “I mean, he just tackled him right in the street in front of everyone!” He somewhat chuckled at the end as if the idea was straight out of a poorly funded horror movie. 

“Probably drugs.” His counterpart replied in a smoother feminine voice. “I can’t see what else would make someone do that.” 

Annoyed, I turned the radio off and started up a CD instead. “Looks like everyone else is having a shitty day.” I muttered despondently. I thought it was all being blown out of proportion: the attacks, the illnesses, how quickly it seemed to move from one state to another, but I couldn’t help but feel unsettled by it all. No, I thought, the media makes everything seems worse than it is. That’s their job, to get people’s attention and make money off of molehill news stories that would otherwise be meaningless. 

Sighing, I felt calm enough to check my phone to see how much damage he had done to my voicemail. I pulled it out of my back pocket and turned the screen on while checking the road every few seconds. There were thirty two text messages, nine voicemails and fifteen missed calls. All but one of the notifications was from him; one voicemail was from my brother. Ignoring my sibling for the time being, I delved into my texts. 

_ Please don’t go to your brother’s. Please pick up your phone so we can talk. I know I fucked up, I’m not expecting you to forgive me but at least talk to me.  _ Each sentence was sent as a separate message as if he was trying to get them out as quickly as possible before I drove too far.  _ Okay, fine. Go to your brother’s. Cool off and then we can talk. _ His tone changed as I skimmed through the list.  _ I fucking love you, Cassie. Please be careful. Text me when you get there so I know you’re not dead in a fucking ditch on the side of the highway.  _ That was the last one and it made my heart ache and my mind think twice about driving so far to my brother’s house. We both knew I would need to put some distance between us before I decided what I wanted to do, though. 

Satisfied that I hadn’t cried at the sight of his messages, I moved on to the voicemail from my brother.

His voice was muffled, like his mouth was far from the microphone. Movement filled up the empty space between his words and I knitted my brows in concern. “Cass, call me when you get this. I don’t know what’s happening but shit’s hitting the fan and I can’t get a hold of mom or dad. Please call me. Hope you’re okay.” 


	2. Killing Time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd just like it to be known that I'm just kinda writing what comes to my mind so if there's any discontinuity or parts where you wonder if I had a stroke while writing, it is not intentional.
> 
> That being said, I hope you don't wonder if I had a stroke while writing this because that would bad on me.

The rising sun filtered through my sheer, dark burgundy curtains, dousing me in a shade of warm, blood red light. I had been up for a while, well before the stars were chased away by the day. Lost in my head, my fingers methodically spun the wedding ring around my finger. The diamond kept catching on my knuckle with every twist and it had started to leave a mark on my skin after the first hour of its rotation. Flexing life back into my hand, I stopped and adjusted my head on the pillow beneath me to look at the jewelry. He had taken out a loan to get it for me and he was so excited to show it to me that he had forgotten to ask if I would marry him or not. 

I didn’t know why I still wore the damn thing, though. It had been three years since I last saw him. For all I knew, he was dead or had moved on and forgotten about me. I had accepted the once frightful idea that I was never going to see him or have the closure that I thought I deserved. The last thing I said to him, aside from swearing at him through a stuffy nose and watery eyes, was that I would text him when I got to my brother’s and that never happened. 

What did happen was worse than any alcohol, drug, or phobia induced nightmare that my mind would ever be able to conjure up. I had met up with my second oldest brother in Baltimore, a few miles outside of his downtown apartment, with his truck stacked to the ceiling with clothes, food, supplies, tools and any noteworthy family memorabilia. He had ushered me into what little space remained on the passenger's side and told me, breathlessly, to keep calling mom, dad and my other brother. 

I still remembered how badly my hands were shaking as I kept making those calls. My fingers would slip and press the wrong number and I'd have to start all over which only made it worse. 

It all happened so fast, but it felt like I was watching the world slowly collapse on its own ignorance like wet sand trickling down the center of an hourglass. 

Sirens, screaming, gunshots, breaking glass, smoke and my racing heartbeat had occupied my once ideal life for the days after until we were reunited as a family on the border of Virginia. We hadn't all been together, under the same roof, in the same car, for at least two years. It was not the most ideal circumstance to catch up on how much we had missed one another.

My mother was a state senator of Ohio. She was trying to get back to the state to help with a cause that was far beyond anything that society could control. It was a prophecized end of days that left us forsaken by any existing or non-existent deity. 

On our way home, we were stopped by the Army and insensitively directed to a yet to be filled, newly developed community of overpriced, superfluous houses that were built just so the wealthy could flaunt their exorbitant amount of cash. Even the name was a snobbish, jealousy provoking title; Alexandria. I had to make friends with the idea of living in a prime example of the phrase, “embarrassment of riches”, because we never made it to Ohio and I never got to call him back.

When I had tried, I was met with the ominous trills of monotone beeps and an indifferent voice.  _ We're sorry, your call can not be completed at this time. Please try again later.  _ Over and over again, I tried and hoped that a different voice would pick up.

The only way I could hear his voice now was by listening to the voicemails that were embedded in the overflowed storage of my phone. I kept that phone stashed in the nightstand that stood against the wall and next to the queen sized bed that had been in the furnished room I claimed as my own. For the first few months of living among a group of strangers in a foreign community, I would listen to every damn message on that phone every night until I fell asleep. Now, it had become an old tape that collected the dust of my past.

Sighing with diffidence, I rolled over to my side to check the time. 5:48. My alarm would go off in twelve minutes; might as well beat it to the punch and give it the day off. I tossed my legs over the side and my feet jolted back at the initial coldness of the wooden floor. I had left my window cracked open overnight to cool the room to prepare for the warm day ahead. 

The muscles in my legs ached as I stretched my limbs on my way to the dresser. The drawers were filled with much of the same clothes that I had torn from my dresser when I left in a heart broken hurry years ago. Predictably, I reached for the dark flannel shirt that was much too large for me simply because it was one of Negan’s shirts that I had packed away on accident. I wore it over tees and tank tops quite often. He would always wear it on Sundays; the day of the week when he’d be happy about getting to sleep in, but bitter about the fact that he had to go back to work the next day. 

It was sadistic, almost, to let my mind wander back to him, but I had spent nearly half my life with him. I couldn’t just cut my heartstrings free with a cold blade and move on like he never existed. He’d hurt me but I could still miss him; and I had missed him everyday, ever since I slammed the front door on him. 

After showering and putting a couple slices of homemade bread in the toaster, I mindlessly stirred a spoon along the edge of a steaming coffee cup as I waited for my breakfast to heat up enough to spread a dollop of peanut butter over. 

“Late night, sis?” Aiden’s voice was uneven still from just waking up as he strolled into the kitchen. He poured a cup of coffee for himself from the half empty carafe and yawned. 

“Mmm, early morning.” I corrected quietly, taking a sip. 

“Couldn’t sleep?” He peered down at me. He was much taller than me, even when he was leaning his back against the counter.

“Too hot.” I lied. We never had to speak much, that was what I liked most about our relationship. There were things I didn’t like about him, though. He was cocky and it got him in a lot of trouble. He thought that he had experience in a new world that had far too much to offer to a city boy that had never truly gotten his hands dirty or his morals questioned with only wrong answers as the solution. He was my mother’s pride and joy, though. He was going to be a lieutenant in the army while pursuing a degree in political science. The prodigal son, I called him. But, who was I to criticize him? I made up for what I lacked in a presumptuous self image with a realistic view on life as a former dental receptionist. 

“You going out today?” My mom had deemed him qualified enough to be the community's main supply runner. I had voiced against it, but was dismissed. I set the mug down when the toaster went off. He shook his head and handed me a knife from the silverware drawer he was leaning over. 

He snatched a piece of bread for himself and I rolled my eyes. “No, helping dad sort out all the material Tobin and his crew picked up the other day.” This place and the people in it were fortunate enough that our dad was a master of architecture. He was one of the most esteemed professors at the Ivy League university he had worked for. He had wasted no time in recruiting my brothers and every other able bodied man to help put a thick, steel wall around the development. 

“What are you gonna do?” A few crumbs trickled out of mouth when he spoke. He was a few years older than me but still hadn't learned not to talk with his mouth full of food. 

“Garden.” I nodded out the window to the garden plot I had been trying to create life in for the past week. I had started it from scratch and it had occupied most of my week. I was hoping that I'd be able to bring more fresh vegetables to the pantry. Canned carrots and green beans were getting old quick. 

“God, you're like a boring old lady.” He chased down the rest of his bread with coffee and added the empty cup to the small pile of dishes in the sink. I gave him a sideways glare. “I'll clean the dishes when I get back.” He exasperated at my silent accusation. 

“No, you won't.” I was always cleaning up after him and Spencer. The world had ended but their bad habits refused to die along with everything else. After spreading the peanut butter over my slice, I licked the knife clean and tossed it in his empty coffee cup. 

“I said I'll clean  _ my _ dishes. You can wash yours.” He punched my shoulder and pushed himself off the counter. Under my breath, just loud enough for him to hear, I insulted his integrity with a few choice words as he walked into the living room. He laughed in reply. “Have fun with your dirt patch.” With that, he left me in silence once more as he stepped outside. 

My tired blue eyes flickered to the creaking of floorboards above me. The rest of my family was starting their day. Soon enough, my soft voiced father would come ambling into the room and begin his morning with philosophical -and slightly humorous- conversation. I was in no mood for it. Nor was I in the mood for my mother’s relentless optimism. Spencer, the middle child, was the family neutral and he knew better than to get trapped in the kitchen in the morning. Dusting my hands off over the sink, I poured the rest of my coffee out and escaped through the back door to my garden of solace. 

 

A few hours later, I was in the backyard, dirt embedded in the thread of my jeans and peppered on my face. I was finally satisfied with the amount of soil I had tilled. The rest of the yard looked a bit desolate at the moment, though. It would look better once my envisioned plans came to fruition. 

I sighed and wiped the sweat off my forehead before stabbing the shovel into the dirt. 

“Hey, Cass.” I looked up to see Aaron emerge from around the corner of the pale grey house. I smiled a genuine smile. It was well known that I wasn’t exactly fond of everyone in the community, but Aaron, I liked. He was the balanced blend of pragmatism, sarcasm and positivity. 

“Oh, hey, Aaron. When did you get back? Didn’t even hear the gates open.” He had been gone for a few weeks out looking for more people to bring into Alexandria. Personally, I felt we had more than enough people but my mom was stuck on the idea of “the more people, the better”. She truly, genuinely, believed that this place would become the forefront of civilization. As if we were the ones who would eventually lead the rest of the world to the promised land; once the promised land sprung back into existence, which it never would. 

“About twenty minutes ago, actually.” He laughed tensely. I could see in his eyes that he must have had a stressful excursion. There was a bit of blood on his face and his entire demeanour seemed as if he wanted to lock himself away in his house for the next two days to decompress. 

“Oh,” I narrowed my eyes, trying to figure out what had happened to him without actually asking. “You guys find anyone this time around?” His last few attempts had been futile and he had come back empty handed. 

“Yeah, a lot. A group.” He paused to seem less impatient. “Is your mom around? I’d like her to talk to them.” I wasn’t expecting him to have success. I had gotten so used to the same answer time after time. I nodded and stepped out of my plot of overturned Earth to walk him up to the back door. “Think she’s downstairs in her office.” I stepped inside after him. 

“Thanks, I’ll go get her.” He gave me a quick, rushed smile before disappearing down the dim staircase that was built between the living room and the kitchen. I looked down to my hands to find the creases blackened with grime as I ventured into the living room with curiosity driving my steps. I wanted to see if I’d be able to peek through the curtains and catch a glimpse of who Aaron had found. I wasn’t relishing the idea of more people but it was always exciting to see a new face. 

“You trust these people? You think they’d be an asset to our community?” Just as I was about to pull back the sheer fabric that blocked the view through the largest living room window, my mom and Aaron made their way upstairs.

“I do. They’ve been out there since the beginning.” Aaron spoke in turn. “They’ve been through it all and they’re close because of it.” 

“Their leader? What’s his name?” My mother sounded vaguely enthused, which was surprising, as she was typically the one to keep an unbiased, even tone and a poker face to match. 

“Rick, his name’s Rick.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay, Rick. I like me some season 5/6 Rick. 
> 
> Hope ya'll had a great weekend.


	3. First Impressions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wanted to get this out before I delved too deep into my homework for the week. Hope it doesn't suck.

He was frightening, fiercely intimidating. Feral, almost. Every inch of his skin was emblazoned by the sun. Or, maybe it was dirt. I couldn’t tell. He stood on edge as if he was ready for anything that was hiding in the shadows. His facial expressions were hardened by the things he’d seen but trying to read what he was thinking was like reading a book in a foreign language. I could see it all, written all over him in dark ink, but I couldn’t understand it. His unkempt beard and long dark hair showed how long he had been without any sort of shelter or place to call home. The machete attached to his hip and the way he casually leaned on it said he’d killed people; it was almost as glaring as the gun that swung precariously against his other leg. 

Just from the thirty seconds I had stolen to give him a once over as he stood out on my porch, waiting for my mom and Aaron, he had scared me; and I hadn’t even talked to him. 

A few hours had passed since they arrived and the town was humming with murmurs and whispers. Everyone seemed to be intrigued but they were all too conserved to make the first move. Something told me that Rick and his people didn't want to be approached, though. They were just as apprehensive, or maybe, distrusting would be the better word. 

I chose to leave them be as I began the rest of my day in the pantry. It wasn't a glorious job. Nor was it as admirable as the jobs that the rest of my family had in the community. My mom was the leader, my dad her voice of reason and the reason we were protected from the harshness of reality. Spencer was the lookout, even though he wasn't the best shot. Aiden was the main contributor to our vast supply cache. Me? I just organized cans of corn and boxes of crackers. Granted, I was trying my hand at gardening but that was a painstakingly long work in progress. 

“Is this all there is?” Pete, the surgeon, the drunk, stood with his back to me as his glassy eyes scanned the shelf. 

“Yep.” I sighed curtly. He was looking for more alcohol to feed his habit. After learning about his affinity for liquor, I started hiding it from view in the pantry specifically because of him. If my lowly task was to manage our supplies, I wasn't about to let our only medical professional be blacked out on his living room floor when an emergency happened. 

He scoffed at what was available and angrily grabbed a jar of canned fruit. I flinched at the grating sound of glass against the cheap, painted plywood shelf. Pete was a short tempered man. He was tall, lanky and quick to blow his fuse to prove a point. I had been victim to his acrimony when I had refused his advances over the past year. Once I crushed his hand in the sliding door that guarded the armory a while back, he had left me alone, for the most part.

“I'll just take this.” His tone was consistently bitter, as if the world ended just to spite him. 

I scratched the pen I was writing my inventory counts with into the notepad. To avoid the need for a vocal confirmation, I defiantly clicked the pen when I had marked what he took. Taking the hint, he left, grumbling. 

Once he left, I began to hum to fill the empty space of the room and dull the white noise in my head. The one thing I enjoyed most about being hidden away in the pantry, if anything, was keeping my hands busy while being alone with my thoughts and poorly sung tunes. 

Someone cleared their throat behind me and I jumped just enough to knock my shoulder into the shelf. A few items rolled off to the floor in a domino effect. 

“Sorry,” his apology was sincere but given in a callous tone. I spun on my heel to face whoever had been quiet enough to sneak in here without creating the slightest sound. It was Rick. 

He had cleaned the comingling of dirt and blood away from his skin and had shaved the distinguishing beard that must have taken months of untended hygiene to grow. Someone must have cut his hair, too. The dark curls clung to the nape of his neck rather than messily framing his face. Even though he stood a few feet away from me, with one foot inside the room and the other ready to leave already, I could see how blue his eyes were. It was the shade of blue that takes over the mid morning Autumn sky, right after it rains. They were bright and warm but subdued enough to keep me from staring into them for too long. 

“Oh, no, I wasn’t paying attention.” I blamed my lack of situational awareness on my complacency; rightfully so. “Rick, right?” I mindlessly held my hand out for a proper introduction. He eyed it skeptically. “I’m Cassie, Deanna’s daughter.” 

Awkwardly, my hand remained outstretched and my gesture unreciprocated. “Rick Grimes.” Finally, he walked the rest of the way and shook my hand. “Nice to meet you, Cassie.” I didn’t know why I was expecting him to reply in jumbled, broken english like a visitor from an unheard of country across the sea, but he articulated with daunting certainty that proved me wrong a thousand times over.

“Likewise.” I took my hand back just to run it through my hair. “Didn’t recognize you without the beard.” A quiet laugh escaped as I tried to break the ice. 

At the mention of it, he scratched his fingers over his now smooth cheek. “I didn’t recognize myself with the beard.” He countered smartly without a hint of a smile. “Deanna told me to come here to get some supplies.” Straight to the point, he was. His voice was smooth, like warm, thick honey, but each word was spoken with rough definition. I liked it; it was different. 

I nodded, trying not to shrink under his studious gaze. I couldn’t tell if he was looking straight through me or if he was picking apart my weaknesses in case I tried to do anything. “Yeah, I have some things set aside for you guys. They’re over here.” Gently, I waved my hand for him to follow me towards the closet where I had set aside their share of food, toiletries and gratuitous housewarming gifts. “I hope this is enough.” I opened the door and took it upon  myself to unload the two crates off the shelf and onto the floor so he could get a better look at them. 

He stared at the boxes with a distant, empty gaze, as if he didn’t know what any of things were meant for. “This is plenty, thank you.” The sight of familiarity almost made his voice fracture like a thin sheet of ice. I knitted my brows and my chest ached with empathetic heartbreak. 

“I can’t imagine how overwhelming this all is.” Something in me wanted to reach out and rest a hand over his shoulder to comfort him but I didn’t. 

He shook himself out of his mental fog. “Just never thought I’d see all this again. Electricity, running water, houses, rooms of food.” His shoulders shrugged with a disbelief induced chuckle. 

“Before...everything happened...I always thought places like this were a waste of money, ya know? I mean, what kinda person needed to spend a million dollars on a two story house with solar panels and cisterns in a secret community?” I rolled my blue eyes that looked grey and mousy in comparison to his. “It’s given us a chance, though, I suppose.” I smiled softly, knowing my words probably held little meaning to someone like him. When he looked at me again, his expression was amicable enough to ease my nerves. He was listening, waiting for me to continue. “I know you think everyone in here is naive and weak, and you’re right. You’ve done and seen things that we haven’t and you have every reason to have your doubts, but the people in here are good people. I don’t think there’s a lot of those left.” 

With his hands on his hips, he almost seemed impressed. “You think we’re good people, too?” He wasn’t asking my opinion, he was testing me. 

I took his challenge in stride. “I think you would’ve tried something already if you weren’t.” My fingertips dove into the pockets of my jeans. “Plus, I trust Aaron’s judgement over anyone’s; even my mom’s.” Both of us satisfied with my answer, I smiled once more. “Can I help carry all this back with you?” 

A closed lip smile and a nod from him gave me hope that perhaps I could sprout a friendship between us. “That’d be great, thank you.” Even after living a life of moral deprived survival, he was markedly polite. 

“Great,” I bent down and picked up the lighter of the two baskets. “I’ll follow you.” 

 

“That song you were singing,” Rick adjusted his grip on the basket as we walked down the peacefully empty street to his new home. “I haven’t heard it in a long while.” 

I shyly glanced up at him. He was a few inches taller than me. He was already watching me as I blushed at the fact that I suddenly remembered I had been caught performing sober karaoke in the pantry. “It’s one of my favorites. I would listen to it everyday on my way to work. Never got tired of it.” Even now, I’d find myself humming it without realizing it. Some habits were hard to scrub out of my mind. 

“What did you do?” He was fighting back a smile that twitched at the corner of his mouth, like he didn’t think the world now, permitted smiling. 

“Receptionist at a dentist’s office.” I felt that I hadn’t had to go through the ropes of introductions in a long time. “You?” I had forgotten how refreshing it was to have a new face to talk to. It was certainly better than listening to Mrs. Neudermyer talk about the mystical pasta maker that seemed to keep her tossing and turning at night. 

“I was a cop.” Of course he was. 

“What was that like?” I had to measure my steps carefully to keep up with his quick, authoritative strides. 

“I enjoyed it, for the most part. I don’t miss it, though.” Before I knew it, we were walking up the short staircase that blended into the porch that wrapped around the house. He shifted the weight of the basket to his hip so he could open the door. “After you.” His stoic expression opposed the gentle voice he spoke to me in. My feet led me through the entry and I set the crate down on the center island of the kitchen. The air in the house was cool and uninhabited. It lacked the smell of family meals, the sound of genial conversation and the sight of belongings strewn in various places out of comfort and laziness. 

Quick light footsteps made their way down from the second floor and we both turned our attention to it. A tall teenaged boy with long, brown, adolescently styled hair walked into the kitchen with a little girl in his arms. She couldn’t have been more than two years old. 

“Carl,” Rick’s voice lightened another octave, “this is Cassie.” He looked to me. “Cassie, this is my son, Carl and my daughter, Judith.” Neighborly smiles were exchanged. 

“Hey, nice to meet you.” I breathed. “I should’ve brought less boring stuff.” I joked as I glanced over the contents I packed for them. Rick shook his head and waved away the thought. “You like video games? My brother’s got a pile of them that have been collecting dust. If you want them, I’d love for you to have ‘em.” 

“Really?” Carl’s voice was deeper than I was expecting but the childlike joy was still there. “I haven’t played a game in years.” He was quicker to smile than his father was. “If he won’t mind…” Reluctantly, he started to accept my offer but Rick cut him short. 

“You don’t have to do that, Cassie.” I knew it was because he wasn’t even sure if he wanted his group to stay here, but I had already grown fond of his company. 

“No, really, I’d love for them to actually be used. They’ve been taking up space for far too long.” I insisted, looking to the wide eyed, angel faced girl. “And Aiden found a ton of clothes that would probably fit her. They’re hers, if you want them.” Aiden was always thinking of the ‘what ifs’ when he went on supply runs. When him and his group found a children’s clothing store, he took a menagerie of things just on the off chance we would have someone who may need them. 

Rick was gnawing on the inside of his cheek. I was chipping away at him. “Sure, we’ll take them.” At last, as if the stars had aligned and the fires of hell had frozen over, he smiled, the whites of his teeth showing in genuine appreciation. It was a beautiful sight to see a man as unnerving as himself smile. It reached his eyes and made their icy blue hue seem warm. 

“Perfect, I’ll bring them by tomorrow, if that’s alright?” 

He nodded once more. “I’ll be here.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for the kudos over the past few days. It warms my Arctic heart.


	4. Welcome to the Neighborhood

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this while sitting in a dark corner tussling with a migraine so hopefully it's not too disorganized.

“No,” I smacked his hand away like he was an unruly child or a persistent fly. “They're not for you.” 

“Then why'd you make them?” Spencer tried again to reach for a muffin as I set them out on a rack to cool. The steam rose through the sugared crumble and dispersed into the sunlight that filtered through the kitchen window. 

“They’re for Rick and his group.” I informed pointedly. “I’m trying to be neighborly.” Neighborly. That was a good word to replace the fact that I had spent all of last night with my mind stuck on Rick’s smile. It wasn’t a smile that I was accustomed to. It wasn’t impish or enticingly devious like the one I had spent most of my life admiring. It was strangely pure and candid. 

“Who?” To get him away from the rest of the pastries, I gave him one. 

“Rick. Him and his group showed up with Aaron yesterday morning?” In awe of my brother’s ignorance, I rested my hands on the lip of the counter and stared at him with a perked brow. Half the muffin in his mouth, he shrugged. 

“Haven’t met him yet. I’m sure I’ll see him tonight.” Right, my mother’s block party. She was calling it a welcome party but it seemed strange to me that we should even have parties nowadays. It wasn’t that I felt we didn’t deserve to celebrate the small joys and victories of survival, it was mostly the belief that parties with snacks and excessive liquor consumption just didn’t seem to be the right way to go about it; not when people were out in the world starving and drinking muddy water. Or maybe it was the fact that my mom had fallen under the inconsiderate assumption that I would be willing to create a lavish display of baked goods to showcase alongside my father’s stash of aged whiskey and cognac. 

“Right, the party.” I chose to voice a few specific words from my cynical thoughts. “Can you hand me that?” I licked a few crystals of sugar off my finger tips and nodded to the tupperware that remained out of my reach. After he gave it to me, I looked over my shoulder to make sure no one would hear me whisper, “Don’t you think this party is a bit much?” Spencer and I were closer in both age and friendship. I often felt like the family disappointment, what with a low end, entry level job and a quote unquote, failed marriage, but he never treated me any different or with less respect. 

“Oh, you know mom.” He sighed sportively, “she wants this place to feel like how the world used to be.”

I started putting the baked goods in the small container as I mulled the idea of that pipe dream in my head. “Yeah, but-.”

“Maybe it’s her way of coping with it all.” It was a thought invoking psychological interpretation that allowed me a modicum of understanding behind her ceaseless influx of ideas. 

“Yeah, maybe.” I had too much on my mind, like what I was going to say to Rick when I saw him again, to add much input to Spencer’s theory. He had spent more time with her anyway and knew her better than I did. “I’ll see you tonight, then?” I set the encased baker’s dozen of muffins on top of the game console and baby clothes that I had gathered for Carl and Judith earlier that morning. 

“I’ll save you a few beers.” He promised with a boyish smile. 

I picked the box up and repaid the favor. “Thanks, I’ll need ‘em.” 

 

I hadn’t traveled more than half a block when I ran into the man of the hour. He had been walking from the direction that I was heading. Each step was pronounced and purposeful.  

“Look at you. Lookin’ good, Officer.” I complimented cooly with an apologetic smile. My mom always dreamed of this place having a judicial system of sorts. When we first arrived, she had been rifling through the houses and had found a few-practically new- jackets with emblems of peace and authority sewn into the sleeves. It was only a matter of time until she bestowed the honor to someone. 

Beneath the dark, charcoal grey jacket, he wore a snow blue button up with a tie to cover the buttons and match the coat. His jeans were patched but formal and dark as well. The boots he wore must have been the ones he came here with as they were dusty, tattered and traumatized by a life on the road. It was as if he was reluctant to let go of something that would remind him of where he came from. 

“Your mom’s very thorough.” He closed the distance between us. “Here, let me take this.” Without waiting for an answer, he alleviated the weight of the box from my arms. I winced as I looked up at him, blinded by the sun that was making his dark hair appear much lighter than usual. 

“She is, unfortunately.” I laughed. She never took no for an answer. That’s probably why she had lasted in the world of politics so much longer than anyone else. “I appreciate you humoring her, though.” 

“I understand where she's coming from,” he drawled in a southern voice that I hadn't asked more about yet, “can't say I agree with it all, but I get it.” Following my lead, we started walking back to his place. Like a shift in the wind, he changed the subject. “This party your mom’s throwing…”

I cut him off to save him the oxygen he was about to spend. “It’s ridiculous, I know. You don’t have to come if you don’t want to. Hell, I don’t even want to go, but I think I’m a little old for hiding out in my room the whole time.” To keep my hands from pulling at my fingers with nervousness, I stuffed them in my back pocket and kept my eyes forward as we neared the steps of his home. 

He set the box down on the first ledge of the staircase and graced me with another short, quiet chuckle. His lips pursed in amusement and I caught the way his stance mimicked mine, one foot pushed slightly ahead of the other, leaning his weight on one leg. “I was just gonna ask what I should wear.” 

 

I changed out of the flour dusted, unsightly ratty jeans and oversized shirt that I had spent the afternoon baking in, and into a somewhat formal, but more casual, black dress for the party that was taking place downstairs. I left my hair in its messy, fly away filled ponytail. It wasn't  _ that  _ nice of a celebration, no matter how much my mom made it out to be. I took a deep breath to revitalize my internal battery enough to get me through the rest of the night and headed downstairs. 

The giddy, slightly intoxicated laughter and smooth but upbeat classical style music grew into discernible conversation as my feet anxiously bounced down the stairs with my hand on the black railing to steady me incase I lost of my balance. The all too familiar sea sick like feeling that twisted my stomach into knots gave me an inkling to the kind of night I was blindly walking into. 

It was times like this when I missed him. 

I always hated going to family events because it always turned into a subtle competition for the award of black sheep. I always won. I used to sneak out when I was in high school to be with him. He’d take me for rides on his bike until one or two in the morning. I left home and got married as soon as I graduated. I didn’t go to college. I lived in a quaint, less than luxurious house, drove a used car, and I didn’t pay much attention to the world news because I didn’t want to hear how humanity was driving itself into the ground. But I was happy. I was happy because of him. 

Whenever I’d be forced to attend a holiday or graduation that would involve my entire family, I’d be sick with dread the whole way there. He would hold my hand against his leg while he drove and say,  _ don’t fucking listen to a damn word they say, Cass. You’re fucking perfect.  _

My family hated how much he swore but for some reason, I loved it. He used profanity like a bad habit. Some men drank, some people gossiped or bit their nails, but he swore. He never cared about what anyone thought of him. He knew the kind of man he was and as long as he stuck to his convictions, he rested easy at night. 

I wondered if he could still could. If he was alive, anyway. 

“Cassie!” My mom’s sprightly voice was starting to age but it never lost its vibrancy. I turned, at the base of the stairs, toward the sound of my name. She was standing with my father and Rick. She waved me over from across the room. As I waded through the small sea of people that took up every nook and cranny of floorspace, my steps degraded in confidence and were eroded by fluttering timidity when I became acutely aware that Rick’s discerning fixed stare hadn’t left me from the time I had walked down the stairs to when I stood between him and my father. “Cassie, have you met Rick? Rick, this is my daughter.” 

“Yes, we’ve met.” I wish I had a glass of something - I didn’t care what -  to hold onto and keep me from crossing my arms over my chest. My dad wrapped an arm around my shoulder and pulled me into his side as if I was a child that needed support. 

“She’s our little homemaker.” My father was a well intentioned, grey haired man that still managed to find sweater vests to wear in unison with khakis and loafers. He was the type of man who would start his day sitting at the kitchen table with a mug of coffee and untouched plate of toast while reading the newspaper in impenetrable silence. The fatherly love he had for me was unyielding but it was hard to miss the selective condescending phrases he used from time to time. I forced a smile and gave it my best shot at looking like I wanted to be here. 

“It’s good to see you again, Cassie.” Rick offered me a supportive smile and I held onto it like a life vest in a sinking boat. 

My mom, clad in a pants suit of sorts, spoke next. “We were just telling Rick about your garden idea.” The way she tacked on the word  _ idea _ to the end of her inclusion made it seem like she was already expecting my attempt to fail. I discreetly pushed myself away from my paternal hindrance. 

“It’s more of a dirt patch than a garden.” I dismissed, wishing it hadn’t been brought up. 

“We had a farmer in our group for a while.” Rick broke up the quickly cementing tone that my family was setting. “He taught me a lot about growing crops. I’d be happy to help if you ever need an extra pair of hands.” 

I finally let myself look at him. He was in a nice white button up and a clean pair of dark jeans. In the hospitable light that was emitted by the numerous candles and lamps, I could see the stubble that was already growing back on his cheeks and along the defined line of his jaw. As hesitant as I was to admit it, he was very handsome. 

“You won’t catch me complaining.” I could feel the brim of my cheeks getting warm as I smiled. 

Just as my mom was preparing to comment on Rick’s offer, the front door open and distracted her. “Oh, Reg, there’s Marjorie and Bill. I’ve been meaning to talk to them.” She wrapped her weathered hand around my father’s forearm. “Rick, let Cassie know if you need anything and please enjoy yourself.” She excused themselves away from the two of us and gleefully welcomed the couple inside. I expelled a stressfully annoyed sigh as soon as they were out of earshot. 

We faced each other. “You regret coming yet?” I laughed uneasily. I couldn’t pinpoint the sentiment exactly, but for some reason I felt worried that my parents had already given him the wrong impression of me. 

“No,” he looked over to his son, who was talking with a few of the other boys that were around his age. They were laughing. “It’s good to see Carl acting like a kid again.” His attention came back to me. “And you look very nice.” 

At first, I didn’t know how to reciprocate his flattery. I hadn’t been given a compliment since before everything happened. “Th-thank you.” I stammered bashfully. For a fleeting moment, I wondered if he had said it just to have been kind, but he didn’t seem like the type of person who would say something just to make you feel better. If he said it, he meant it. Regardless, I preferred the spotlight to remain off of me. “Do you want something to drink? Water, beer, something with a lot of alcohol?” 

His lips pulled back into a laugh induced smile. “No, thank you, I’m good.” He seemed oddly at ease, even without liquor in his blood. I nodded in defeat and let myself relax a bit. “Tell me about your garden.”

We talked for a few hours about my project, his life outside the walls, his job as a cop, my interests in classic literature and offbeat movies. I’d laugh, he’d smile. We exchanged stories of happier times and he’d listen to me voice my concerns about the future and offer his input where he could. When the sun had set and the sky grew dark, we were out on the back porch with empty glasses of bourbon in our hands. 

I sighed happily. “Looks like things are winding down. I should go help clean up.” I could hear the dishes piling up by the kitchen sink. 

“I can help.” He stood up from his flimsy lawn chair after me.

“I think the rule of guests not doing the cleaning still applies.” I took his glass from him and stacked it over mine. “Go grab some leftovers before my brother eats them.” I informed him that Spencer would probably be lurking around the living room table, eyeing what hadn’t been touched yet and silently claiming it for himself. “I’ll see you later, yeah?” 

“Yeah, of course.” He nodded and looked down to his boots as they scuffed over the deck. I smiled and touched my hand to his arm to say goodbye before I walked back inside and left him alone with his thoughts. 

 

By the time I was halfway through washing the small plates and crystal drinking glasses, most of the guests had retreated back to their homes and only a few voices lingered from the living room where my parents sat with a couple of the residents that they had established a stronger friendship with. 

“You need some help?” 

I turned to his dulcet words and smiled sweetly at the little girl in his arms. She was wearing one of the small, pale yellow dresses that I had packed away in the box that I gave him this morning. Her wide eyes stared up at the lights that flourished over her head. 

“She’s a beautiful little girl, Rick.” I kept my voice low as to not disturb her fascinations. I never wanted children of my own but I could appreciate miracles such as herself when they were right in front of me. He seemed at peace as he gently jostled her in his grasp. I could see it in his eyes. She was his world and he would’ve done anything to keep her out of harm’s way. 

“You want to hold her?” Carefully, he walked over to the mat I was standing on in front of the sink. 

“Yeah, of course.” I dried my hands and set the rag on the granite countertop and held my arms out to create a safety net over the space between us. “Hey,” I cooed to her with the delicateness of a feather riding along the spring breeze. She fussed for a moment until she was snug in the curve of my arm. Her innocence was enough to give you a new outlook on the world. She was unbothered by anything, it seemed. All she cared about was that she had someone to hold her and keep her warm. When I looked back up at him, he was close enough for me to see the flecks of gold and midnight blue in his eyes and the sophisticated tint of grey in his five o'clock shadow. 

He leaned forward and brushed his lips against my cheek in a quick but deliberate kiss. The blush returned to my cheeks in the deepest shade of red that wouldn’t be leaving anytime soon. The rhythmic beating in my chest missed a few beats and my brain and my mouth struggled to find enough common ground to get a single word out. He breathed a smile, a smile that conveyed more than words could say. 

In that moment, standing there in a dim lit kitchen with a man that I barely knew but felt oddly close to, I knew the gridlocked feelings in my head and my heart were about to get a lot more complicated. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I so badly want to bring Negan back into the story but I know I must be patient and also commit to one of the various ideas I have to bring him into it all. 
> 
> As always, have a wonderful day.


	5. Conflicted Waters

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the bit of delay. I had so many ideas of what I wanted to do with this chapter so it took me a bit of mulling to decide what to stick with. 
> 
> And we did it folks. WE MADE IT TO OCTOBER. Soon, our Sunday nights will be worthwhile again and I will have a reason to get through the painfully long shifts I'm forced to endure every Sunday. 
> 
> What else...oh, I apologize if anyone finds the first section annoying to read. I was intentionally making the sentences choppy and a bit disheveled to show the OC's own disheveled thoughts. Hopefully it's not awful?
> 
> Finally, thank you guys, again, for the kind words and kudos. It may just be a few clicks and taps of the keyboard for you, but when I check my profile on my lunch breaks at work and see them it makes my day a whole lot better.

I didn't sleep that night. 

It was all his fault.

He had turned me into an insomniac. He was the reason calescent tears kept me company when nothing but silence and my jarring thoughts fenced me in. The idea of him prevented me from taking the silver wedding band off my finger. I had become married to the inane belief that if I were to take it off, I’d be letting go of the only possibility of seeing him again; and I wanted to see him again. I wanted to see him smile, hear him laugh, feel his hand on the small of my back, and roll my eyes at his charismatic nature. 

I wanted to forget the way I felt when he told me what he'd done. He always told me the truth. He couldn't lie to me because he was a man who believed in blunt honesty. I wished he wouldn't have told me. I would've been better off not knowing. I wouldn't have left. I’d be with him. I would be content living under the blissful shade of ignorance.

Then there was Rick.

He was kind, deceivingly so, perhaps, but he was a good man. I hadn't known him for more than a few days, but I knew that much. He was reserved and kept his thoughts to himself with minimal asseverations. Negan was never like that. It was beyond the bounds of possibility to  _ not _ know what he was feeling.

I shouldn’t have even been comparing them, though. I didn’t know Rick before the world ended and I probably wouldn’t know the man I married anymore either. They were separated by so much more than a few differences in character. The world now didn’t twist personalities, it toyed with the humanity of one’s soul and washed away the once rigid line between morality and corruption. The grey ambiguous areas of life had become red with the blood of survival.  

I had been guarded from paying the cost of staying alive. I hadn’t had to kill anyone; I don’t think I ever could if I had to. Somehow, over the course of time, somewhere between the dead trying to consume the living and the living struggling to keep from joining the growing majority, the disgrace of killing had become nullified. It had almost become a standard. If you were alive and breathing, you had to kill to keep it that way. Rick was alive. He had killed people. How that weighed on his shoulders, I didn’t know. Surely, he never envisioned himself as a killer. 

If Negan was still alive that would have meant that he had killed people just the same. I couldn’t picture it, though. Not with that smile; the smile I fell in love with. 

 

The next few days passed slowly for me. My brain felt detached from my body and I was just mindlessly going through the motions of living. I was saved from my tumultuous sea of conflicted thoughts whenever Rick would go out of his way to stop by and talk to me. He had spent most of yesterday helping me dig through dry dirt and plant seeds in my backyard while Judith rolled around, sunbathing, on a thin blanket in the green grass. When we had to stop her from determinedly trying to eat a worm, we had decided to call it a day. 

Every time we said goodbye, the drowning seemed to worsen. I wanted to take his hand and be rescued from the vicious riptide I had been dragged into but some reserved, tactful alternative conscious kept me under like a cement block tied to my foot. I didn't want to consider moving on from the man who broke his vow to me even though I should. He was gone. Dead or alive, the chances of seeing him again were slim to none. But Rick, he was here.

Aiden had commented on the matter as he was getting ready to leave for a supply run. We were in the garage and I was handing him the boxes of rations and ammunition him and his small band of people would need for the trip. They were planning on being gone for at least three days.

“You and Rick seem to be getting along.” He had started the conversation ever so casually as he stuffed a box into the trunk space that was too small for it to fit properly.

“Yeah, he's a nice guy.” I didn't like to talk about anything related to relationships with my family, much less my oldest brother. It never ended without someone insulting someone else. 

He had stood straight and fixed his black hair that the two of us only seemed to inherit. “I'm no expert but I'd say he likes you.” I shifted my focus down to the cement floor beneath my feet. I'd spent most of my free time dwelling on that idea. It wasn't that I was vain or so self absorbed that I believed a man I'd recently met had interest in me, it was the fact that a man I barely knew was consistently taking an unusual amount of time out of his day to get to know me over menial tasks. 

“He seems like an alright guy. If he makes you happy I'd say go for it.” He shrugged, unbothered by the fact he was giving his baby sister romantic advice. 

“I'm not looking for someone, Aiden.” In my head, the lie was more convincing. He slammed the trunk shut and leaned his weight on the SUV. 

“Cassie, listen,” he had said with loving sternness, “your husband was a dick; no offense.” I had guffawed at that. Negan had said the same thing about Aiden from time to time. “I know you loved him and he made you happy but he cheated on you and he's gone. You're never gonna see him again. You need to move on and be happy with someone else.” As brutally honest as his words were, I needed to hear them. “I know you and I don't always get along but I want you to be happy, sis.” 

“I know, it's just...hard.” I had gotten used to pretending that it was all a distant memory but it was more like a fresh, open wound that refused to heal. Every reminiscent thought would bite and sting like salt in the cut. 

“I’m just trying to help.” At the sight of my eyes misting with dewdrop like tears, he had held his hands up away from the scene in surrender. “Didn’t mean to make you feel bad.” Emotions were not handled well in my genetic pool. The Monroes, save for myself, were only able to process warm successes and joyful pride. Crying or anything else of that nature, not so much. 

“You should probably go, don’t wanna keep them waiting.” I quickly brushed my finger under my damp lashes and maneuvered away from the subject. Emotions were something I could deal with but I was more than willing to remain woefully ignorant to the truth, even when it was staring me straight in the eye. It wasn’t my most admirable trait. “Be careful, okay?”

His defeated sigh filled the room and cut through the tension between us. “Always am.”

 

I poured the small cup of over pasteurized, forever shelf stable capsule of creamer into my black coffee. There was always something oddly serene about watching the dark liquid suddenly billow with white and infuse into a golden hue. Without stirring it together, I took a sip and picked up the second cup before making my way back to the living room. Rick, Michonne, Maggie and my mother were gathered around the table. I set the steaming cup of tea I had brewed for Maggie beside her hand and took a seat. She thanked me with a smile as warm as the drink in my mug. When I thought of the saying ‘girl next door’, Maggie was the poster girl definition. She was honest, gentle and forbearing to a point of disbelief. Her and her husband made an unexpected duo but I could appreciate that. 

The small smirk that Rick sent my direction when I joined the informal meeting had me biting the inside of my cheek. He had to have known that I was starting to fester some suspicions about him. Aiden may have been a pain in the ass but he also may have been making a fair argument yesterday morning before he left. 

“We need to start keeping a lookout in that tower.” With the shift in his gaze, Rick’s tone changed with it as he spoke to my mom who, I could tell, was starting to become visibly agitated by the innate arresting tone that he spoke in. 

“There’s no need to. This isn’t an armed community, this is the start of civilization. If we start keeping guns on the perimeter, people won’t feel safe.” If the world had been in a different state, I would have been able to see the reasoning my mother’s argument. Now, it seemed that guns were what kept sprouting civilizations safe from the things and people that wanted to tear them down. 

“We’re not saying that everyone needs to carry a weapon, but it would be good for whoever’s watching the gates.” Michonne spoke next. She was dark skinned and light hearted and was the other poor soul who had gotten roped into my mother’s made up judicial system. I hadn’t gotten to know her as much, other than the fact that she was the first person I’d ever met who adeptly used a sword as weapon against the dead. 

“He’s right, Deanna,” Maggie had a notepad resting under her forearm. She was taking notes as my mother’s advisor; something my mom never bothered to ask me to assist with. “People are the threat we need a lookout for. If someone were to get in, we wouldn’t know until it was too late.” Her words were spoken deftly with a sweet southern voice and they disguised her harsh past well. 

“Spencer hangs out in the clock tower sometimes,” I used the term ‘hangs out’ intentionally. The gun he kept up in plain sight was empty and covered for the books and bottle of spiced rum that he ran to when he wanted to relax. It was more of a man cave than a lookout. “Why not have him and a few others rotate on shifts?” My mother looked at me as if I had spoken in a foreign tongue. It was strikingly similar to the expression I received when I showed her the ring that Negan had proposed to me with. I had been smiling so much my cheeks hurt but she had appeared to be on the verge of a stroke. 

“Sasha would be good to have up there as well. She’s our best shot.” Maggie added supportively to my suggestion. Sasha….I fumbled with the name in the front my of mind but I couldn’t place a face to it. There were so many of them that had arrived and, as it were, I had only spent time with a few of them. 

“I’ll think about it.” The exhale that my mom ended with showed her irritation. She wasn’t used to be contested. She wasn’t used to having people from the outside who knew what actually was going on out there. She was treading new waters and had forgotten how to swim through strong willed currents. “What else is it that you want to talk to me about, Rick?” The way her upper lip curled in the slightest defiance made it seem like his name left a bad taste in her mouth; like a medicine. She knew Rick and his people were good for our community, we needed their help if we were going to thrive for years to come, but she didn’t like the taste of change. 

“Can we take a walk around the wall and talk security?” Instinctually, he went to rest his hand over the empty gun holster on his leg but nothing was there. For a split second, he was grasping at air. He did that a lot, I noticed. With heavy reluctance weighing her down, my mom stood and went for her jacket. Maggie and Michonne followed suit and made their way to the door without hesitation. I got to my feet, grabbing my coffee cup and taking another drink. “I don’t think I’m her favorite person.” Rick joked humorlessly with me when my mom left the small space.  

I chuckled. “Well, you’re not her  _ least _ favorite person.” No, that title belonged to someone else, who had accepted it rather proudly. “Hey, I’ve been meaning to ask you if, maybe, when you have time, you could maybe teach me how to shoot?” My question became more faint and mouselike with every stalling word I nervously added. 

“You want to learn how to shoot?” He seemed surprised, which in and of itself seemed unorthodox. 

I nodded sheepishly. “It’s just...I’ve been thinking about what you’ve said and I wanna at least try and protect myself and this place if something were to happen.” I wasn’t asking him to teach me how to kill someone but it would be nice to be able to fend off a dead one or at the very least keep someone from killing me with a well placed aim to a leg or arm. 

He smiled proudly. “I’d be happy to, Cassie.” He looked down at the old silver watch on wrist. “We can go in a few hours, if you’d like. There’s a good spot not far from here.” 

 

The wind was quiet but wove through the fabric of my grey sweater and made me shiver like the crisp leaves rustling in the trees around me. I should’ve brought a jacket.

“You ever shot a gun before?” He walked up behind me and pulled a small, black pistol from his behind his coat. 

Negan had taken me shooting once before. He wanted me to be able to take care of myself if he wasn’t home. We went to a shooting range and I still remembered how wide his deep brown eyes got every time I would accidentally wave the gun in his direction without the safety on. I couldn’t aim straight to save my life but I was rewarded with the comfort of his arms over mine as he tried to help me shoot a paper silhouette in the chest. After the last bullet, he shook my shoulders and kissed my cheek and said, “maybe we'll just get a baseball bat to keep in the closet.” Then he took me out to dinner at a little Italian place tucked between a laundromat and a florist. It was a good day. 

“No, not really.” I answered Rick's question, watching him as he dropped the clip to make sure it was empty.  The man seemed to be in his domain. We had only gone for a twenty minute walk outside of the walls but in those twenty minutes he was almost a different person. His feet were quiet and he took long strides with relaxed shoulders and a cool gaze. It was like a wild animal released from captivity. He took to the vulnerability as if it was his natural habitat. 

His hands were warm as he placed the gun in my grasp. “Alright, here’s the safety.” He pointed to the small switch like lever that rested comfortably under my thumb. “Keep that on unless you want to shoot.” His thumb moved mine to show me. “This drops the magazine. It’s empty, see?” I nodded along as he pointed to another button and pulled the top back to show the chamber was clear. “Now, when you hold it, you wanna put this hand here,” I let him grab my fingers and wrap them around the grip, “and then you can put your other hand on the bottom to keep your aim steady.” 

“Okay.” I didn’t know if my voice was shaking because of the cold, my nerves, or the fact that he was so close to me. Every time he touched me it kicked up another dust storm of conflicted thoughts. 

“When you aim, you want to line up the rear sight and the front sight.” He started to recreate a moment from my not so distant past when he guided my arms up until I was pointing the empty gun at a dead tree a few yards in front of us. “Keep your shoulders relaxed and your finger off the trigger until you’re ready.” I looked down the line of sight and tried to focus on keeping my arms from moving side to side. “Hold it up a little higher.” The tips of his finger tapped my hand and I did as he said. “There you go. Now, when you want to shoot, press the safety down and pull the trigger until it clicks.” 

I took a deep breath and switched the safety off and put enough pressure on the trigger until the sound of an empty chamber echoed back at me. 

“How’d that feel?” He looked around us to make sure we were still alone before he returned his concentration to me. 

“Good, it’s not too heavy.” I went to move my arms down but he shook his head and motioned for me to drop the empty magazine. As soon as it was out, he reached into his pocket to grab one that was full of golden copper bullets. 

He caught the fact that I knitted my brows in anxious regard. “I’ll help you for the first few rounds.” The smile he offered was sedative and I let him offhandedly take a place behind me and shadow my movements under his touch. I felt the weight of his wedding band over mine and I knew he gave heed to the diamond on my finger that was digging into his calloused skin. “Alright, right there.” He rested his finger over mine and assisted my arm in gracefully absorbing the recoil when each bullet left the chamber. I smiled breathlessly when I saw that I actually hit the target and it didn’t ricochet anywhere. “Good job.” His lips were wavering over my cheek, the same spot he had kissed a few nights before, but he seemed emphatically patient for something else. As I went to meet his gaze, we both looked ahead to where I shot the gun to see a dead man ambling out from the thickets of trees and overgrown raspberry bushes. 

I had only seen the dead from afar, never close enough to see the moldering human like features that made them that more frightening to look at. It was a middle aged man who died in a plaid button up and washed out jeans. Its shoes were gone and its dark hair was missing in clumps. The eyes were gaunt and empty, just like the growl that emanated from its open mouth. My body felt cold with fear even though Rick still had his arms around me. 

“Stay here.” He took the gun from my hand and moved towards it. I was confused about why he wasn’t shooting it. Instead, he threw it to the ground with a forceful shove and crushed its skull beneath his boot. When a second one appeared, he didn’t hesitate to impale it on a protruding branch from the tree. 

Blood splattered across his jacket but he was as indifferent to it as rain. I didn't know whether to be awestruck or horrified with how flawlessly he killed two dead alive bodies. The way he used his hands was brutally barbaric but he seemed to have his reasons. Either he didn't want to waste the bullets or he didn't want to draw any more of them with the sound of gunfire.

I stood there in ominously silent shock, feet rooted to the ground, oblivious to the woods around me. He stood across the clear cut space from me, shaking the blood off his hand, when cold, decayed flesh covered fingers tugged at my arm from behind. Some sort of distressed noise escaped my mouth when I realized I was face to face to with a dead woman in a torn sundress. Had she not been missing an eye and most of her right cheek, I might not have screamed so loud. 

Rick shouted my name as I held back the snapping jaws that were gunning for my arm. For something that was contradictorily lifeless, it was absurdly strong. It's strength was no doubt fueled by the insatiable need to tear the flesh from my bones. 

As I continued my struggle to remain out of its reach, my heel rolled over a jagged rock and I lost my footing. Before it could follow me down and pin me to the ground, Rick pulled it away from me by the back of its dress and pressed the muzzle of the pistol against its skull to muffle the sound of the bullet. 

A fine misting of stagnant blood sprayed across my face and the soundless, motionless corpse fell beside me. I looked from the body to him, my palms flat on the ground behind me to keep me upright. In a sudden gasp of clarity, I realized that I had experienced a too damn close brush with death. 

“Are you okay? Is your arm okay?” He crouched down and pushed the sleeve of my shirt up to give a thorough inspection of my untouched skin. His empathetic touch brought back my sensibility and I nodded as he helped me up on my feet. He wiped the blood off my cheek with his thumb and searched for an answer in my wide eyes. 

Maybe it was the adrenaline or the fact that Aiden’s words had started to dent the mental wall I had put up to keep myself from letting go of the past, but I kissed him like he was the air I needed to breathe to keep my heart beating. He reciprocated my impulsive fervor and I timidly settled my hand over the stubble along his jaw and he pinned me to his chest with his hand on my back. There was sense of relief between us as his lips moved against mine, like a rainstorm after a summer of barren heat. I didn’t want to let him go. It felt like he was the only thing keeping me afloat when it was him who had caused me to drown in my own internal conflict. 

I was okay, though. I was alive. I was here. He was here with me, with all my naive, despondent heartache and irrevocable past. 

He kissed me one last time and I finally replied. “Yeah, I’m okay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope this addition didn't disappoint. I'm hoping to bring Sir Swears a Lot into the fold within the next three or four chapters, depending on where I go with this. Sooner than later, at least, because I am missing his fictional company (and I love JDM but that's really beside the point). 
> 
> With everything going on, I hope you all are safe and spreading love and respect wherever you go! We're all stuck on this planet so we may as well be friends.


	6. Start Over

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First and foremost, please find it in the deepest, darkest part of your heart to forgive me for this chapter being so short. It was going to take me a while to finish the other half that I had planned and, quite frankly, I didn't want to wait that long so here we are.
> 
> I know what I want to do for the next chapter so hopefully it won't take me too long but my academics get in the way sometimes (unfortunately).
> 
> ***Also, shortly after posting this, I realized I had a bit of a repetitive typo (thanks a lot, Google Docs) near the end of the chapter but its all fixed now for anyone...who may have....noticed. I apologize!***

When I was in grade school, I was friends with this girl that wore pretty pink dresses and shiny black shoes, but had the mind of a tomboy through and through. She was an angry little thing that wore pigtails held up by mismatched oversized hair bands. She would pick a fight with any and everyone who looked twice at her. I always admired her attitude and the way that she wouldn’t let anyone push her around. 

One time, she had, without batting an eye, shoved this kid off the top of the jungle gym just because he made fun of the way she said the word library. The boy busted his arm and she got suspended for a week, leaving me all alone on the playground. 

I wished I could be like her. She wasn’t afraid of anything and no one dared to think that they could get away with pushing her buttons. 

As I dabbed a pre soaked square of rubbing alcohol over the small yet ostentatious cuts on my palm, I wondered what had become of that crazy girl. I couldn't remember her name for the life of me. Jeannette? Missy? Lauren? 

She would've been shaking her head in dismay, no doubt, at the small lilac bruise that formed under my skin on the side of my face. I winced in the dim lit pantry as the alcohol seeped into the cuts and waged a battle with the blood that threatened to escape to the open air. 

It was dark outside. I was alone. Most the people were safe in their homes, unsuspecting of the fact that I was standing among shattered jars that once held dried fruits and cereal with a cut up hand and throbbing headache. Scoffing with ill conceived frustration and a slow surfacing mental fatigue, I wrapped my hand in a thin kitchen towel and grabbed the broom that was leaning on the wall. 

The wooden handle pressing into the lacerations hurt like a hot iron burrowing under my skin, but the clinking of glass kept my mind off it. 

Once the shrapnel was consolidated into a neat, jagged pile of blood stained crystal, I heard a pair of boots that were as weathered as the voice that wore them.

“Cassie, you in here?” The foreign elation I felt whenever Rick struck up a conversation with me filled my head and heart with lukewarm dread this time. I wasn't feeling up to explaining myself to anyone; most of all him. 

I rekindled my dying flame of courage and spoke up. “Yeah,” I cleared my voice of the cracks, “just cleaning up.” My bandaged hand reached for the dustpan to validate my transparent white lie.

He stepped in the room with an air of authority and warm concern. “In the dark?” he almost chuckled. I closed my eyes to the impending disaster that I could feel like a dark foreboding cloud when he flicked the light on. “What happened?” I watched the light in his eyes fade to a simmering, suspicious grey. He walked over to me, every step like a crack of muted thunder. I stood, helplessly unable to evade him, with rounded shoulders and my hair covering the darker, out of place, side of my face. 

“I just slipped and knocked some stuff over.” I shrugged the poorly fabricated story off my shoulders. The words that left my mildly tingling lips were the farthest thing from the truth. He took notice that I was avoiding making eye contact with him and he used the tips of his fingers to gently nudge my chin up enough to make the hair fall back behind my cheekbone. 

“You hit your head?” He knew I was bearing false witness. I could tell in the way his voice sharpened like an arrowhead and his jaw tensed until his upper lip twitched in the slightest. The man that I initially believed to be so hard to read was not so hard at all if you knew what to look for. 

Insecure among my vacillating thoughts, I nodded. I wanted to tell him what happened but I was afraid of what he’d do because we both knew I wasn’t clumsy enough to lose my balance, drag a shelf of glass jars to the floor, all while managing to smack my temple and cut my hand. 

“It was an accident.” The words were barely more than a whisper. “I’m fine.” My dishonesty was for his own good, not mine. 

He knitted his brows and dipped his head to keep track of my wandering eyes. “Cassie, look at me. Tell me the truth.” He managed to keep his voice low enough to be endearing but harsh enough to coerce the truth out of me. I finally looked at him when he spoke again. “Who did this?” He was trying to detain his protective nature from jumping to conclusions. 

It seemed like it took me a long time to answer him as I played back the past thirty minutes in my head and picked out the parts that wouldn’t stoke the fire. I had been counting what was left on the shelves from the past few days, including the party. Pete had lumbered in, swaying on his feet like an inebriated child with two left feet. 

“It was Pete.” The mention of his name seemed to make the bruise throb. I heard him take a deep breath before I continued. “He was drunk.” 

He had made some snide comments regarding how much time he had seen me spending with Rick, or as he put it, “an untrustworthy stranger”. This led him to falling back into his washed out dialogue about how rude I had been to never give him the time of day or go on a date with him. Every word was slurred with liquor and when I had angrily told him to get out after he put his hands on me, his liquid courage turned to viscous rage. 

“He...I told him to leave me alone and he lost his temper.” Pete had lost his temper in my presence before but this was the worst I’d been subjected to. He yelled something that I no longer remembered and swung an uncoordinated hand towards me, only to knock the jars on the shelf. Like the fool I was, I had threatened him with the idea of evicting him from the safety he had taken for granted and that’s when he had thrown me into the shelf where I roughly fell to a glass covered cement floor with a fresh bruise. My hand had caught the brunt of the damage from the sharp edges of the debris. He left after that, muttering under his breath without a single care to hold him back. Up until a few minutes before Rick walked in, I had been picking the glass out of my palm. I was certain there were still some bits and pieces hiding beneath my skin but I would deal with them later. 

“He tried to hit me but got the jars instead. Then he pushed me into the thing and left.” I thumbed to the cabinet behind me, unable to find the words to speak. 

“Are you okay?” He softened his voice to match mine and carefully moved my hair to get a better look. 

I nodded under his touch. “Yeah, hand just hurts.” I set the dustpan down when I felt the blood seeping through the cloth that was wrapped around my hand. 

He was remaining relatively calm, to my surprise. In the short week I had gotten to know him, he vaguely reminded me of a chaotically organized ticking timebomb. The seething anger was there, lurking in the shadows of his concern. He sighed gruffly. “Come on, let’s get your hand taken care of. I’ll take care of Pete tomorrow.” 

 

I sat, like a child on an exam table, on Rick’s black and white speckled bathroom counter, with my legs dangling off the side. He held my hand in his with my red serrated palm facing up. His face was impassive as he picked the remnants of glass out of each cut with a pair of tweezers. The only sound in the room was made when he would drop a piece of crystal into the sink. Still, I smiled faintly at the way his fingers curled around my wrist as he worked. 

He set the utensil down and reached for the hydrogen peroxide to clean out the unseen, infection bearing assailants. With a rag, he soaked it with the off smelling liquid and dabbed it over each cut with care. I winced but kept the silence. 

“Almost done.” he breathed. I let him turn my forearm so he could press the end of a snow white bandage over the back of my hand. There was no ignoring the stare that lingered on the ring on my finger as he covered my discolored skin with the wrap. I watched his lips with expectancy. They’d part ever so slightly, as if he was outwardly practicing what he wanted to say. “What happened to him?” As he asked, he flipped my hand so that the ring was out of sight and tucked the end of the bandage under the layered edge to keep it in place. 

He continued to hold my hand as I spoke. “Don’t know. We got in a fight and I drove to my brother’s to let things cool off between us and the world decided to fall apart.” I left out the mention of the dark scandal that drove me away. Maybe I did it because I didn't want to ruin his image or maybe because every time I tormented myself with the thought, I was reminded of what it felt like to have a knife driven into my back and stabbed out through my chest. 

I shrugged and traced the creases etched into his palm with the tips of my finger. His skin was always hot, as if he was running a few degrees warmer on a daily basis. “Haven’t seen him since. He could be alive but I don’t think I’ll ever get to know.” I could feel it, the salty prickling that gathered below my beryl irises. He pushed his fingers in between mine like he wanted me to focus on the present rather than the past. 

“My wife died when she had Judith. I can’t remember the last thing I said to her, but I know I didn’t get to say goodbye.” His words were distant, stuck in that moment eternally. “I regret not being with her and the way I acted before she died, and God knows I shoulda been a better husband.” he paused. “But after being out there for so long, then coming here, having a safe place to raise my family, ” he looked up at me, his eyes as blue as the hottest flame of a fire, “meeting you,” he added smoothly, “it’s made me realize...we get to start over, Cassie.” 

He continued to surprise me with his strangely balanced and emotional words. I sat there, taking in the sound of his voice and staring at him with an amalgam of cluttered thoughts and lucid understanding. 

“I’ve done things to keep my family alive, things I can’t take back,” he continued, “but I want to start over; with you. I can keep you safe, Cassie. I can...I can take care of you.” For the first time since hearing him speak, he seemed to be having trouble getting the words out. I couldn’t tell if he was struggling to overcome the barrier he had built up in his head to keep out the idea of growing close to someone, or if he had gone without heartfelt attachment for so long, he no longer recognized it as a native sensation. 

I didn’t want to start over, I knew that, but I also knew that I had to. My vice grip on the past was starting to drag me further and further beneath my baseless hope that I would be reunited with my estranged husband and things would miraculously go back to the way they were; but the gravity that I felt from Rick grew stronger everyday, along with the lie in my head that kept telling me  _ he’s gone, he’s gone.  _

Faintly, I nodded. I was both so disheartened by the concept of letting go of what was, yet enamored at the sound of a clean slate, that I couldn’t manage anything more than a dazed dip of my head. 

Cautiously, I asked, “What are you gonna do about Pete?” 

A sigh passed between us. “I’m gonna talk to your mom and tell her he can’t stay here.” He kissed my forehead to make his ruthlessly spoken words seem less abrasive. “If she won’t do that, then I’ll kill him.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shit's about to start getting less sappy and more stabby so please don't lose hope! 
> 
> Also, fun fact, I did in fact push a small child off the jungle gym when I was also a small child. He didn't break his arm though so I got away with it :P


	7. Judge, Jury, Executioner

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyo,
> 
> I am much happier with this chapter so I hope ya'll enjoy it. Pretty sure there aren't any glaring errors but I'm sure I'll find some eventually. I always do. 
> 
> But,
> 
> THREE MORE DAYS UNTIL MY TWO FAVORITE MEN TAKE OVER MY TELEVISION SCREEN!! I'm quite excited for my life to have purpose again.

_ “Stay the night.” he pleaded quietly; not willing to shatter the cool silence of isolation that made my heartbeat seem much louder than a faint echo in my chest. I parted my lips to fumble out an excuse that wouldn't've made any sense. He put my words to rest with a resolve breaking kiss that would’ve bruised my lips had he put the slightest addition of force into it.  _

_ “I shouldn’t.” I argued without a single damning piece of evidence to back up my claim. I stood in the doorway of his second story bedroom, two feet on the border of going home and giving in.  _

_ He pressed his lips to my ear and the hand he rested on my waist pulled me closer to his side of reasoning. The heat in his voice made my eyes close and the stubble on his cheek made my skin feel cool with nervousness. “Why?” When I couldn’t find it in me to refuse or reply, he made the decision for me and shut the door. _

His fingers dug into the table as he leaned against it to meet my mother's wildly stern gaze. It was no match for the venomous glare Rick gave in exchange for her reluctance. 

“He can't stay here, Deanna. You can either tell him to leave or I will.” Rick snapped in a controlled but harsh voice. I sat between them, my chair slightly angled towards him, quiet as a church on a Wednesday afternoon. He was clad in his constable attire and I kept my focus trained on the empty gun holster that drifted against his leg. 

“I'll talk to him, Rick. We can't exile him, he's a doctor. He's saved people's lives and we need him here.” My mom was unwilling to look at me, as if she was ashamed that she was knowingly ignoring the fact that her own flesh and blood was attacked by the town drunkard. 

“I don't care who he is or what he does. He hurt your daughter, Deanna. He leaves or we kill him. Those are his two options.” He decided to make it personal, hoping it would bring clarity to her opaque line of thinking. When he mentioned me, my viewpoint switched to his face and began to slowly drift down from there. 

I'd seen the scars on his bare chest, the matching set under his ribs and on his back from a bullet he took when he was a cop in the old world, the thin, rigid line from a knife driven into his shoulder, and the other smaller ones that had been stamped into his skin like a calamitous passport. I’d felt the way the muscles in his arms, his shoulders, his back, moved beneath the tips of my fingers. I didn’t think I’d be able to shake the feeling of his bare skin against mine or his lips ghosting a trail down my collarbone. It made the heat creep up to my cheeks just thinking about it. 

“We are not killing him!” she almost shouted. “I’ll take care of it. He won’t be allowed to take anymore alcohol from the pantry, alright?” My mother was trying so hard to keep the peace between right and wrong and it was getting harder and harder everyday. She couldn’t let the only source of medical knowledge be mistreated to the point of discontent and malpractice, but she couldn’t allow his behavior to remain unpunished. “If he won’t agree to the terms I give him, then and  _ only _ then will we take further action.” What kind of further action would be taken was a vague charade. If anything, she would chastise him like a bitter grandmother and give him a slap on the wrist at the most. After hearing Rick serenely inform me that he would be quicker to kill Pete than give him a second chance, I had a heavy pit in my stomach that this dilemma would not end well. 

She turned to me and I sharply averted my eyes from watching Rick’s finger tapping against the thick black belt that fit snug against his hips. Either he had pushed last night out of his mind or his attention was better held than mine. 

“Cassie, I’m sorry about what happened with Pete, but I promise you, you won’t have to worry about him anymore.” She reached her hand out towards me from across the table but all I could do was acknowledge the effort. How many times had I complained about him to her and she had done nothing? A few too many for my appreciation. “Why don’t you show Olivia the pantry and we can have her take over? I know she’s been wanting a change of pace.” 

“What am I supposed to do all day then?” For the first time since I had been drug out of Rick's bed this morning and brought to this convention, I spoke. 

“We’ll figure something out. Maybe you can work with Maggie or your father.” Even when she spoke to me, she sounded more like she was addressing the Senate rather than her daughter. “Until then,” she paused to look to Rick and judge his opinion by how much he was grinding his teeth in agitation, “why don't you take a day off and relax?” 

“Promise me you'll do something about him. If not for me, for the rest of the people living here.” Blatantly, I laid our differences out on the table. 

My mother and I always had a less than idyllic relationship. We fought quite a bit as I grew up and, at one point, she had grown desperate enough to put our family through counseling for a short lived month. We'd even gotten in a heated argument a week before I got married and she refused to come to my wedding. Whatever chance we had at a functional mother-daughter relationship quickly deteriorated after that. 

She nodded stiffly and I stood. “I'll go talk to Olivia, then.” 

“I'll come with you.” Rick rolled his shoulders under his jacket. He held the weight of the world on those shoulders but last night he'd been able to forget about every dark, unforgivable act his hands had committed. He had scars on his hands too, and I'd felt them when he memorized every part of me that hadn't been touched in years.

He'd taken his time, but there was no mistaking the fire of impatience that had kept him alive in a world where everything was left to die. I ran my tongue over my bottom lip where he had bit into the skin at the thought. 

“Can I talk to you alone for a minute, Cassie?” she requested. 

“I'll wait for you outside.” Rick pressed his hand over my shoulder in assurance before taking his leave. We watched him go and she spoke as soon as he closed the front door behind him. 

“Why didn't you come to me first?” she sighed in disappointment. The all too familiar burning in my chest and grating of my teeth told me to choose my words carefully to avoid a scathing argument. 

“What would you have done? Told him to go home and sleep it off?” Like twine being pulled at the ends, I snapped. 

“I would’ve taken care of it. Now I have to deal with Pete  _ and _ Rick.” She stood from her chair to make her appearance and her leadership more conspicuous. I was taller still, despite her effort.

“Rick’s not the one we have to worry about.” I all but threw my hands in the air in frustration. “Pete’s harassed me since the day he got here and you’ve done  _ nothing  _ just because he’s a doctor.” 

“I know, Cassie, and I’m sorry that I let it escalate, but Rick’s methods aren’t civilized. He thinks we can just kill people and solve our problems. If we want this place to stay standing, we can’t kill someone every time they do something wrong.” 

Her stubborn disregard for the present day asservation of how the world worked baffled me. “The world isn’t what it used to be. We can’t keep pretending that things are going to go back to how they were just because we play by rules that don’t even exist anymore.”

“Playing by the rules,” she repeated irascibly, “is how I’ve kept everyone here alive and given them a life worth living.” To reset her mood, she closed her eyes and kept them shut for a minute. “Rick cannot kill him and we cannot exile him; for the good of the community. That’s just the way it is.” she settled, quiet and calm once more. 

“Yeah, well,” I pushed my chair into the table, ready to leave, and caused the floral centerpiece to shake from the impact, “maybe your way of doing things needs to change.” 

 

With my bandaged hand, I handed Olivia the worn, discolored green notebook like the passing of a ceremonial torch. She seemed delighted to have it in her possession and I wondered how long she had been pining to spend everyday locked in a small room counting the dwindling amount of food that we had. It was depressing, if you asked me. 

“Just make sure to mark what people take and if we start getting low on the essentials let Aiden, or Deanna know.” A forlorn sigh interjected the end of my instructions. “Oh, and make sure the door to the armory’s locked when you leave at night.” 

She clutched the journal to her chest and smiled happily in my direction. “Thanks, Cassie,” her eyes swept across her newfound kingdom. “This is gonna be so much nicer than sitting out in the sun watching the gate all day.” 

“Glad to hear it,” as if to showcase how excited she was, she started shifting things on the shelf like a game of tetris, her lips motioning numbers as she counted. “Thanks for taking things over for me. If you need anything let me know.” 

“‘kay, thanks,” I took her disinterest in my words as my cue to leave. I turned to find Rick was still waiting for me, his hands buried into the pockets of his coat. An iota of a smile played on his lips when he opened the door to the blinding sunlight that my eyes struggled to take in. 

“I’m sorry I stirred things up between you and your mom.” His smooth drawl was drowned out by two young kids racing past us, chasing one another with shrill screams of laughter. I glanced up at him to smile and roll my eyes at the apology. 

“Things haven’t been settled between us for a while. That ship sailed and ran aground a long time ago.” I felt the tips of his fingers drift down my arm as he searched for my hand. “I appreciate you trying to get through to her though.” I stammered tacitly. His confidence shone through as he interlocked our hands. Then again, he had no reason  _ not _ to be self assured with his actions; not after last night.

“What do you think she’s going to do about Pete?” His thumb brushed warm circles over my wrist to expel his agitation. 

“Honestly? I don’t know. Pete’s the only doctor we have and I doubt she’ll kick him out.” I tried to distract myself from the fact that I was willingly holding another man’s hand. It felt like I had thrown myself into a scandal as we walked side by side, hand in hand, down the road. I had cursed my husband’s name for less. His iniquity had only lasted a night; mine had been drawn out over a week, it seemed. But he was gone. This was different. Still, part of me was still a nervous wreck; shaken by the idea that he would find out someone else had seen what belonged to him and that he’d feel a pain that would clutch at his heart and make it hard to breathe. That’s how I had felt and I wouldn’t wish that upon him, even now. 

“You agree with her, keeping him here?” he wondered. 

I shook my head. “If he wasn’t a drunk and if he had ever actually saved someone’s life, I might, but he’s done more harm than good.” For a moment, I worried that Olivia would be subjected to the same treatment if my mother didn’t take Rick’s suggestion to heart. “I’d rest easier if he was gone.” 

He squared his shoulders at the challenge. “If he tries anything again, he will be.”

 

I didn’t know how long I had been sitting there in the midnight dewed grass with my knees pulled to my chest as I stared vacantly into the small, man made lake that was carved into the side of town. The lake was as dead as the rest of the world. There was nothing in it to create peaceful ripples and I had yet to see a single feathered creature take a dip in the dark water. 

Once the clock ticked past one in the morning, I shrugged on the plaid button up - the emblem of my reluctance, a memento of another time, the hallmark of wishful thinking- and headed outside to sit on the edge of the murky pond. The saturninity that settled over the water helped me think; and I had forgotten how quiet my thoughts used to be. 

Footsteps crushed the grass behind me. “You making up stories to get me kicked out now? Is that what you’re doing?” 

Startled, I sprung onto my feet and stared at the man behind me with trepidation taking over the tranquility that had barely begun to set in. 

“The hell are you talking about, Pete?” As he trudged towards me, I took a step back. Even in the faint sliver of light from the night sky, I could see the igneous rage in his dull eyes. 

“She said that you told her I attacked you and that she’d have to exile me if I did it again.” he laughed faintly. “You really think you can do that?!” he shouted this time and my feet moved me away from him and closer to the water. I could feel the gravel slipping beneath the soles of my worn out shoes and the ebbing flow licking at my heels. It was cold. 

“Just leave me alone, Pete! You think what you’re doing now is going to keep you here?!” My only choice was to stand up to him and hope that my raised voice would carry and cause enough commotion for someone to step out of their home and investigate. If anything, I hoped Rick would hear. “Go home and get the hell out of my face before I get you thrown out on your ass and left for the walkers.” My words were expelled in a snarl that managed to eclipse my bone chilling fear. 

“You think you can threaten me, Cassie? You actually think you have a say in anything?!” He advanced towards me again and in my thoughtless action of defense, I lost my footing and fell into the abrupt depth of the lake. Before the water overtook me, I managed to get out one last shouted plea for help. When I tried to break the surface, he held me under. The sharp pain of water filling my nose and burning an erroneous path down my throat flooded my thoughts. My body acting on its own accord, forced me to cough, which only forced more water into my system. I could hear him shouting still over my struggled splashing. 

The pressing weight of his hand left my body and, in the same fleeting moment, I was pulled back into the air that I couldn’t breathe. Warm water sputtered out of my mouth and nose and my vision was blurred like a rain stained window. 

“Cassie! You okay?” his voice was harsh and grating, like being drug over gravel on a hot summer day. 

“Rick?” I coughed again to rid my lungs of the last of the unneeded moisture. He was in jeans and a white t-shirt, pulling me into his arms and burying my head against his neck like he didn’t want me to see the fact that Pete was laid out on the ground; on the execution line.

He didn’t say anything. I couldn’t see what he was doing, but I could feel the acrimonious rage burning off him and searing my cold skin. His hand pressed me tighter against him while he raised his other arm; steady as the rising sun. 

I heard him pull the trigger. I felt the percussion of the bullet leaving the gun and the recoil reverberating through his body. I could smell the gunpowder drifting through the air and mingling with the metallic blood from a gaping, inoperable wound. 

After that, I couldn’t hear anything but the sound of him telling me I was okay and my heart leaving fearful bruises in my chest. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys, once again, for all the kudos and comments. Ya'll are the best.
> 
> And for the Negan fans (me!) I am bringing him in next chapter because it's driving me insane not to have him in the story. 
> 
> Have a great weekend all!


	8. Ain't No Sunshine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys like the chapter. I had fun writing it.
> 
> And day-umm did Rick and Negan look fine on the premiere. (Except old Rick. Old Rick made me cringe. I mean, he looks like comic Rick but no, just no. Speaking of comics, I am SO happy they are sticking with the comics, it makes my geeky heart happy)
> 
> I apologize for any mistakes I may have missed.

The dark, inexorable fires of hell were going to make him pay for the things he’d done; that much he knew -very fucking well- and he intended on putting that visit off for as long as possible. 

He sighed, his breath icing over into a puff of fog as soon as it left his mouth. His sigh was that of a tired, perpetually vexed man who was too stubborn to steer himself off the collision course that had morphed into a one way ticket to his ultimate self destruction.

He was outside, staring down the barrel of another sleepless night. This time, he was at one of his smaller outposts, which was better than lying in an empty bed, blanketed in regret. The glow of headlights from the trucks flooded around him and pervaded every dark space within a fifty foot radius.

He stared at the foreign vehicle that had been found outside the outpost and scratched at his cheek with his hand that wore the glove - the glove that hid his wedding band out of his own sight. He sure as fuck couldn't take it off, but he couldn't bear to look at the damn thing either. Everytime he did, he was reminded of how her hand had felt against his cheek when she slapped him hard across the face. Again, he sighed; bitterly, this time. 

“Got 'em rounded up for ya, boss man.” Simon stole his attention away from the past. He had met Simon while chasing after his runaway bride up the East coast. Simon didn't know shit about his past and he preferred to keep it that way. He had committed his fair share of sins; swearing, killing, stealing, but his one act of drunken adultery had to take the fucking cake. Losing her was the worst punishment he could've received.

“Fan-fucking-tastic,” he grinned brightly. He didn't know if he cracked smiles as much as he cracked skulls for everyone else or for himself. Maybe he made everything into a comical perversion so that he could cope or ignore the pain that sat restlessly in the back of his mind. He didn’t know, though; didn’t care to do a fucking psychological evaluation on himself to figure it out. “How many?” he asked as he situated his foreboding bat on his shoulder. He loved seeing the confused, helpless fear in people’s eyes when they saw it; like they thought it was a joke, even though jokes were hard to come by nowadays. 

“Five.” Simon answered with the promptness of a right hand man. 

“Oh, goodie.” he wasn’t nearly as excited as his choice of words may have made him sound. He wasn’t in the mood to deal with a group of asinine fuckwits who thought they could’ve gotten away with stealing his shit. He understood that times were tough and resources were hard to come by, but he wasn’t about to start giving shit away. If people wanted to drink from his well of exorbitant supplies, they were going to have to work for it. If not? Well...they were going to have to pay a hefty, painful, bloody fine. 

They walked over to where the five unsuspecting men had their knees burrowed into the gravel. One of them, with sweat dampened, brown hair was shaking with the ghost of a sob wreaking havoc in his chest. All of his men from the outpost were out to watch with guns in their hands and expectant looks painted on their faces. 

He drew out a chuckle, “Which one of you sorry shits thought it’d be a good fucking idea to sneak into my place and steal my shit?” As he spoke, he could almost hear the sound of how much force they all used to not look at him. He swung the handle of the bat around in his hand as he walked down the line of soon to be dead men. He was gunning for the man on the end, the one who would be easiest to break, but he stopped short when the cocky, black haired son of a bitch in the middle glanced up to meet his malevolent gaze. 

“Well, ho-ly shit. Look who it is,” he crouched down, resting his elbows on his knees. He couldn’t stand the man in front of him, but the busted lip the guy sported did make him feel a little better. “Don’t be rude, asshole. Say hello,” he chuckled darkly.

“Negan,” Aiden spat his greeting to his brother in law as coarsely as he could. 

“It’s good to see you, too.” he wiped the cousin of a smile off his face. As much as he didn’t want to admit it, Negan  _ was _ happy to see him. If Aiden was around, maybe she was too. “Where is she?” he skipped the pleasantries. Aiden glared but didn’t offer up a reply. Negan exhaled sharply. He could feel his temper quickly slipping between his fingers like hot sand. “Where is she?” he repeated with a growl fighting to break through his words. 

“She’s dead, asshole.” Aiden snapped with little remorse. “She’s gone.” 

He remained impassive while his brain rinsed and repeated those two words over and over again, like he didn’t understand what they meant. They weren’t true. She couldn’t be gone. Not the one thing he’d been doing unspeakable things to stay alive for. Not her. Not his wife. 

He stood up once more, stricken with a silent despair. “How?” 

“Why do you care?” Aiden challenged, as if he knew he was on death’s doorstep and had no inhibitions in front of the reaper. “You didn’t give a shit about her then so why start now?!”

“Watch your fucking mouth.” Negan snarled, pointing his weapon of choice at him, his dark brown eyes laced with malice. “I fucking loved her.” He was fighting against the strong tide of his emotions and he wanted nothing more than to swing the wire studded bat against Aiden’s head. 

“She deserved so much better than you. She deserved someone who wasn’t an ignorant, stuck up, asshole, who only gave a shit about himself. You--”

Aiden's insults fell short when a bone exposing, bloodied gash was gifted to him by a baseball bat being malevolently slammed into the side of his head. The man who delivered the blow could let a fair deal of misgivings slide by without so much as a hint of irritation, but accusing him of not loving the one person that he cherished more than anything was enough to trigger his homicidal tendencies. 

Aiden fell to the ground, unconscious and bleeding, but Negan didn't rein his anger back in until his wife's brother was an indiscernible mess of dark pooled blood and shattered bone that had become partially beaten into the soaked dirt. He'd like to say that he'd lost sight of his temper and acted without thinking, but between finding out she was gone from his world for good and hearing his own spiteful words spoken back to him by someone else, he wanted him dead by his own hand. 

“Well, shit,” Negan stood back, his bat dripping a cascade of red as it moved. “I wasn't planning on killing you all but it looks like things have changed.” He wiped the blood off his brow and looked to his men then to the wide eyed, pale faced man on the end. “Keep him alive,” he pointed, “kill the rest.” 

He had grown accustomed to the panicked pleas that always rebounded off his commands. The four men were reduced to helpless crying children as they stared at the mutilation that took place in front of them but their waking nightmare ended as quickly as it had started. 

The gunshots weren't in the perfect unison he envisioned but three snaps of lead leaving a chamber filled the air and did the trick all the same. All but the red eyed, trembling, sniffling man fell face first into the unforgiving ground and he sighed a smile at the survivor. 

“You,” Negan curled his index finger, beckoning the man forward. When he didn't move, one of his saviors urged him up on his feet with a kick to the back. His feet stumbled beneath him as he made his way front and center. Negan towered above him, just as he did with everyone. Often enough, his height would intimidate most people but the inclusion of a black jacket and a bloodied bat never hurt. 

“Please don't kill me.” Before Negan could get a single word of his speech started, the man started to sputter and choke on his apprehension. “I promise, we didn't know you were here. We would never steal from someone.” As he continued to desperately bargain for his life, Negan raised his brow in boredom and amusement. “We have supplies! You can have some! Just please don't kill me!” 

“Shut up,” Negan exasperated. “What’s your name, shithead?” 

“Nicholas,” he stammered.

“Look, Nicholas, I believe you.” he leaned down in the slightest and rested his gloved hand on Nicholas's shoulder. “Now, I want you to go back to wherever the fuck it is you came from and tell your people what happened here.” His voice was as sharp as the barbed wire on his bat. “And if I ever see you or any of your people again,” he continued, “I will do that,” he jabbed a stiff finger to the body that was still oozing blood into the ground, “to each and every one of you.” Finally, he smiled to feign an ease of tension in his words. “Understand?” 

Nicholas nodded like a bobblehead. “Y-yes.” 

“Good!” he exulted. “Now get the fuck out of here before I change my fucking mind,” he paused on a lingering thought, “and leave me all the shit you got in that car of yours. It's mine now.”

Like a child elated to be excused from the dinner table, Nicholas ran to the car and began throwing everything out in a last ditch effort to appease the temporary god that had him on a string, dangling between life and death. Meanwhile, Negan made his way over to Simon.

“Follow him for me, will ya? I wanna know where this prick lives and how much shit they have.” 

Simon smiled in understanding, his well maintained moustache moving in synch, “Can do.” Negan nodded gruffly and went to leave but Simon had more to say. “I take it you had a history with that guy?” Negan knew that 'the guy’ he was referring to was his now very dead brother in law.

He chuckled, but it wasn't as jovial as usual. It was more like a final puff of smoke being exhaled from a dying fire, “Something like that.”

“You wanna talk about it?” Simon was anything but serious. 

“Fuck no and fuck you.” Simon huffed a laugh in reply to his leader’s words and they parted ways. The man in black stole into the empty truck he had arrived in to sort out every distorted emotion that was threatening to demolish his daunting, nonchalant facade that had somehow became his trademark. Through the rubble of his anguish and lamentation, he had built an empire upon a foundation of self loathing and regret. In the course of searching for her, he found himself leading a group to survival with a ferocity that either would have made her proud or chased her away; again. 

But it didn’t matter now, did it? She was gone and he would’ve given up every memory of every happy moment just to replace the image that had been scarred into his mind of her baby blue eyes, red with tears that made him wish he was six feet under rather than six feet above the ground. Now he had to struggle with the thought of her out there, alone, forgotten and somewhere where he’d never find her. He had no one to blame but himself; which he did, every fucking day. 

That blame had followed him everywhere he went, like a dark shadow that clung to his every thought and made every spoken word seem acidulous and baleful. He wasn’t himself without her. He had managed to hold onto his charismatic nature that she had endeared, but now he was always angry; angry at himself, the world, the people around him…

He smothered his grim chuckle as he smoothed the tides of his raging emotions by rubbing his hand over his cheek to rid himself of the blood that had splattered onto his face. He’d let that anger run rampant and kill his wife’s brother for God’s sake. If she hadn’t hated him already, she sure as fuck would have now. 

Staring into the night, after the glowing red, fading taillights of Nicholas’s car, he started up the truck and shook his head at himself, “Fuck me.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay, Negan! He will be popping up later still but I had to bring him into the story in some way. I was going to die otherwise. 
> 
> You guys are the best with all the Kudos and Bookmarks and comments and being wonderful additions to the human race. Keep doing what you're doing!


	9. Dead and Gone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!
> 
> I am SO sorry for the ridiculous delay. My midterms stretched out over two weeks and I've been trying to get a promotion at work (spoiler alert, it's not working) and then my writer's block brought everything to a standstill. I've been wracking my brain for the past few weeks figuring out what I want to do and I think I have it nailed down for the time being, so hopefully the next chapter won't take me so long.
> 
> I know it's a little short but I hope it's not completely awful. Thank you guys so much for all the kind words since the last chapter. I'm glad I was able to surprise a few people (for worse or for better) and thanks for your patience (for those who are still around!). I am sorry if it's not my best work. Like I said, I was working through some MAJOR writer's block and ya know, sometimes you gotta get a crappy chapter out to get to the good shit so bear with me!

He must have just taken a shower. 

His skin was damp from the warm air escaping from my nose that was still buried into his neck. Every breath I took, I could smell the soap he had used; crisp, light, like sandalwood that had been basking in the sun on a summer morning. I tried to focus on that, on the way my lashes brushed against his skin as I struggled to keep them closed to the storm raging on behind me. There were palliative words were drifting from his lips but they were lost to me in the sound of an echoing gunshot. 

His fingertips tangled their way into my cold, wet hair and the hand that held his revolver wrapped around my waist. I didn’t know if I wanted to let the salty tears welling up in my red, sore eyes spill over, or if I wanted to slip beneath a warm blanket and find solace in Rick’s rough hands and his kiss that would be enough to melt the icy fear in my heart. “It’s okay, Cassie, you’re okay.” He kept saying it like a quiet lullaby or a broken record. 

“Dad?!” Carl’s voice joined the fray. “What happened?” I tried to pull away from Rick, my curiosity eating me up, but every move I made against his hands was met with persistent protectiveness. 

“Everything's fine, Carl.” Rick's voice was tense like he knew killing Pete was the least of his issues. As soon as my family, namely my mother, found out that Rick had outwardly gone against her one request and had killed Pete at the first chance he got, I didn't know how the next twenty four hours would go. 

“What’s going on?” The second voice was that of a sweet, older woman that I had only heard among groups of conversation from the gossip mongering ladies that occupied the corner every afternoon like clockwork. 

“Carol,” Rick called to her, reminding me of her name, “can you take her and get her some dry clothes?” He gave me a chaste kiss on the top of my head before attempting to hand me off to Carol. 

“It's okay,” I echoed back to him through chattering teeth, “I'm fine.” 

“You're gonna get sick standing out here in the cold.” She tried to coax my sanity back in place with a soft voice that contrasted Rick's gaze which was tensed with heated concern. 

“No, I'm fine,” my voice was unexpectedly sharp and defiant. He seemed put off by my tone and they both gave me the space I silently requested.

I'd lost track of how many times I'd heard that word slip between my teeth like thread through a needle. Every time it had been a lie. I was beginning to feel like the serpent of Eden with all the deception I dealt out on a daily basis by telling everyone that I was fine. 

I was fine when the life I loved was ripped away from me by the cold clutches of time’s demise. I was fine when I saw people dying in ways that I would never be able to forget. I said I was fine in the mornings when I had spent the night crying until my eyes were as dry and barren as a wind carved desert. Even now, as I stood above Pete's lifeless body and stared at the caliber of Rick’s cold ruthlessness, I heard myself force out the word, “fine”. Moments ago, Pete was a living breathing torment, a plague almost. Now, the bullet hole carved into the majority of his shattered skull was a blessing and a relief. It should’ve sicked me to be wordlessly singing praises over a man’s sudden death, but I couldn’t find an ounce of disgust anywhere in my body. 

The truth of the matter was, all of my cards on the table, I wasn’t fine; I hadn’t been for a while. I kept it buried; smothered under happy memories that I clung to with an unmatched vitality, but I was resentful, indignant, and embittered. 

My husband cheated on me after spending damn near fifteen years swearing up and down that he would never do anything to hurt me. He’d done worse than that. He’d taken my trust, my love, my heart, everything that I had ever given him, and gotten them hooked on his every touch, smile, kiss, and heartbeat. Waking up alone every morning was torture. Every day without him was my rehabilitation but my memories were the drug that kept me from reaching recovery.

Then, there was my mother.

“What the hell is going on?! Cassie?!” Her voice was shrill and it chafed against my stripped temper like a wire brush scratching into a chalkboard. She stumbled upon quite the sight, no doubt. The doctor was dead at our feet, my clothes were drenched and sticking to every bone in my body, and Rick held a gun in his hand when it should’ve been locked up in the armory. I turned to her and I could feel it; the pressure that was forcing splinters into my fortitude and my point of breaking reaching its most fragile state yet. 

“Your lack of leadership is what’s going on.” It was as if my lips and tongue were acting on their own accord while my mind was incessantly pleading for me to tread carefully. 

“What are you talking about, Cassie?” Even in the dark, her eyes trailed away from my shivering frame to the lifeless one among the grass. I stepped towards her, hoping this time she would hear me.

“You did this! You didn’t kick Pete out when you should have and he almost fucking killed me! You chose  _ him _ over me just because you didn’t want to have his blood on your hands!” This wasn’t me, this was my emotions running wild after being held captive for three years without seeing the sun. For the first time in my life, she was speechless

“Cassie, come on, let’s get you inside.” Rick put his hands on my shoulders as if he was reprimanding me rather than trying to seep some comfort into my tensed muscles. 

“You just don’t get it, do you? You know what you have to do but you don’t do it! You keep pretending that everything’s gonna work out just because you say it will but it doesn’t work like that! Your way of doing things is going to destroy this place!” I fought Rick’s grip, no longer feeling the harsh cold wind whipping against me. I went to hit the last nail on the metaphorical coffin but was silenced by the sound of a car horn repetitively blaring on the outside of the gates.

“Let me in! Please!” Nicholas's voice carried into the community and he continued to honk the horn, drawing attention to whoever and whatever was out there.

“Cassie, get inside,” Rick's tone was nothing but authoritative. 

“But my brother-” Aiden should have been back from their supply run earlier today and the fact that Nicholas was the one pleading for help didn't give me much hope that I would be hearing good news anytime soon. 

“Inside,  _ now _ , Cassie,” he knew as well as I did that something was wrong. The strong command he gave to me left no room for argument. I nodded and let Carol walk me back to his house while him, Carl and Glenn- who had joined the group of people that was watching my sanity unfold- ran to the gates. I stared after him, knowing my night wasn’t over yet; not even close. 

 

“What do you mean he's dead? What the hell happened out there?!”

I wanted to cry, I should have been crying, my oldest brother was dead and gone, but as I sat across from Nicholas, all I could do was stare at him in incredulity at his cowardice. He left my brother out in the woods for the dead to claim just because he was afraid. 

“I told you!” He was shaking and his eyes were red and puffy with tears. “We were looking for supplies and I told Aiden we shouldn't have gone in there but he wouldn't listen to me!” He tightened his grip on the sofa pillow that was clutched to his chest. My family was joined by Rick, Glenn and Michonne in my living room. 

“Hey, just slow down and tell us what happened.” Spencer was sitting beside my mother who was inconsolable. He was keeping his emotions intact while trying to keep her lamenting at bay. As soon as she had heard that Aiden, her beloved son, was dead, her tears were the only reaction we could get from her. 

“The building we checked out...a group was living there. We didn't know. We wouldn't have stolen from someone but we got caught and the leader…” his eyes were wide with horror as he replayed the consequences of their actions in his head. He started to shake once more. “Oh, God, it was awful, he killed him with a baseball bat, right there in front of us and then they shot everyone but me.” 

At the mention of my brother's brutal demise, my mother began to wail into my father's embrace. Killing someone with a bat seemed like an unconventional, but mostly brutal, method. I cringed at the thought. I assumed there were dark and twisted people out there but this surpassed my preconceived notions. 

“Did they say who they were? What they wanted?” Spencer questioned. Nicholas pulled himself together and shook his head. 

“No, at least not that I remember.”

Rick had been impatiently waiting to intervene. “Were you followed?” He was seeing beyond the singular incident because he knew what people were like on the outside. 

“I-I don't think so,” he sniffed, realizing that the thought had never crossed his mind until now. Rick stood straight and shared a nod with Glenn. It was as if they were gearing up for war without any consideration for the death that had taken place tonight. 

“We need someone watching the gate, there might be more of them.” Standing in the middle of my living room, center of attention in the grieving circle, Rick was giving orders once more. “I don’t want anyone else leaving until we know it’s safe.” 

“I’ll take first watch and get Sasha in the tower.” Michonne assured Rick that she would take care of things while he figured out how best to mitigate the possible threat. It amazed me how little Rick and his people needed to communicate. They had been out there so long, surviving together, that they had almost developed their own language. Meanwhile the rest of us were the naive, innocent, lost sheep being hunted by the wolves. I knew Rick cared for me to some extent, and I for him just the same, but when I saw him like this, the land that separated us was significantly more noticeable. 

I felt his gaze, those steely blue eyes that had become the highlight of my days, burning like embers into my fresh, dry clothes as I sat on the couch with my head down and my hands folded in between my legs. I glanced up at him and he gave me a nod to walk with him to the front door. The dim lit room was thick with somber thoughts and it felt like I was following him through webs of objectified grievances as my bare feet shuffled over the carpet and onto the hardwood of the foyer. 

“Are you okay?” The solicitude flooded back into his voice and softened it to a cloying refrain. I nodded with my face rested in his hands. 

“Yeah, all things considered.” I licked my lips apprehensively. I didn’t know what I was feeling. My mind was still out at the lake, sinking slowly to the bottom and suffocating in the darkness. “Thanks for what you did back there. I’m sorry you had to.” I mumbled despondently. 

“I’m not,” he gave me a kiss before relinquishing his hold on me, “I’m sorry I didn’t take care of it sooner, and I promise I’m not gonna let anything else happen to you, but you have to promise me you’ll stay inside until I get this taken care of.” 

“I promise.” My heart was starting its sporadic rhythm again. “Do you really think they followed him back here?” 

He glanced out the window through the parted curtains just to check before he gave me an answer, “I don’t know, but I do know that people outside these walls can’t be trusted and that’s  _ all _ I need to know.” 

“Rick?” We turned to see my mother standing at the mouth of the living room. It was the first time she had spoken since finding Pete’s body by the lake. Her voice was cracked like a vase on the verge of shattering into a hundred unrecognizable pieces; I had never heard her sound so defeated. 

“Deanna, I’m sorry about Aiden,” Rick replied as sympathetically as he could. 

The next words out of her mouth took us both by surprise. “If you go out there, I want you to find who did this and I want you to kill them.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How'd I do? Meh? Eh? Boo? (I'd rate it a Meh)  
> I'm planning on the next chapter having a little more action to it so we don't all fall asleep at the keyboards while reading so hopefully I've still got some people who are interested in my delusional creativity.   
> I've got a TEN DAY VACATION FROM WORK coming up so hopefully that will give me more time to relax and write :) 
> 
> Peace be to you all, have a great day/week/weekend!


	10. Blood is Thicker than Water

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whew, got this one out a helluva lot sooner! I was very excited for this chapter so I hope you guys enjoy!

Over the next few days, I watched the place that I had called “home” for the past three years become wrought with fear and anxiety. The town's mentality had been thrust out into the thundering clouds of realization and soaked in the rains of mortality; no longer sheltered by the false protection that kept it warm and dry. For so long, no one had seen death and they'd forgotten that we were living in a world ruled by the dead.

Nicholas was almost like the herald of the end. Once his story had spread to every doorstep, people were on edge. They needed reassurance but found none in the leader they had entrusted their safety to. My mother spent most of her days in a locked room, fawning over memories of Aiden. My father wasn't much for conversation and Spencer was just angry. Their despondency only pushed me away and into Rick's infallible, steady arms.

He was resilient, to say the least. Nothing seemed to move or distress him; the misfortune only made him more determined. Amidst the abstract bedlam, he managed to dutifully watch my precarious emotions waver somewhere between a breakdown and a mental fortification. Meanwhile, I watched him, listened to him, delegate and keep the peace and wished I could be more like him and less like the rest of them.

He stayed close to me until he couldn’t. I could see it in the way he walked with his hands constantly balling into a fist and then flexing his fingers to shake away whatever dark thought was settling in his mind. When he spoke to me, he struggled to hide the primal edge of vigilant savagery that was as sharp as the knife he forced into my possession as we said our temporary goodbyes at the gate.

He had to go out and finish what Aiden had inadvertently started. He had to be out there. He had to keep his family safe. He had to survive because he'd been doing it for so long that he had forgotten how to live.

“Are you sure about all this? There hasn’t been any sign of anyone out there. Maybe no one’s coming.” I questioned him as I stared down at the knife in my hands. It was useless without him; just a polished piece of metal in an unexperienced grip.

“I’m not gonna wait for them to hit first. It’s smarter to just end it now.” His hand wrapped around my upper arm as he tried to convince me that he wasn’t going on a suicide mission.

“Do you really think that more killing is the answer?” The way I saw it, there were two forms of violence; defensive and senseless. What happened to Aiden was the product of what I assumed was his smart ass remarks up against a primitive personality that was bred out of this new savage world. His death was something that could have been avoided, just like Rick’s potential reaction. Maybe it was because I hadn’t seen it myself, but I couldn’t imagine how adding more bloodshed would resolve anything.

The nonchalance of his shrug was cold and made my spine twinge. “Better them than us.”

I reached my hand across my chest to grip my other arm and dig my thumb into my muscle to ease the uneasiness. “Right,” I breathed.

“Hey,” he murmured, “everything’s gonna be fine, Cassie.” The way he adjusted the strap of his rifle on his shoulder gave me little consolation. He was wearing a brown coat, faintly lined with dusty white fleece. The machete was back on his hip, so was the stubble that would soon become a beard if he didn’t tend to it within the next few days. He was more himself than he had ever been in the past two weeks.

“I just don’t want anyone else to die. I don’t want _you_ to die, Rick.” I heard my voice get louder with distress.

“Nothing’s going to happen to anyone. I’ve got Daryl and Michonne to watch my back and Glenn and Carol will be here if anything happens while I’m gone.” he assured. A smidge of offense glinted in his winter blue eyes, as if my worry was the same thing as me doubting his promises. I nodded to placate him and he sighed, “Come here,” he wrapped his arms around me and pulled me in. I wanted to stay where I was. I wanted him to stay here. I didn’t want to be alone.

“Don’t keep me waiting.”

He chuckled and mussed my hair with a warm kiss. “I won’t.”

 

Rick had been gone for a few hours and the sun was resting nicely in the middle of the blue sky, occasionally losing its luminosity to the thick clouds passing by. I was walking back to my house with my hands stuffed in the pockets of my black jacket after talking to Olivia about the levels of provisions left in the pantry.

As I passed by the garage, I heard something heavy and metallic drop to the concrete floor, followed by Spencer swearing not so quietly under his breath.

I poked my head in the cracked open door, “You alright, Spence?” Spencer was, and always had been, the one stable blood relative I could rely on. With both of our parents gone AWOL, we were all we had left.

He jumped at the sound of my voice. “Hey, Cassie,” he graced me with the slightest glance over his shoulder before he went back to cleaning up his mess, “yeah, I’m alright.”

“What are you doing? Going somewhere?” I joked morosely as I stepped inside. He had a small pack on the craft table and a box of rifle bullets spilled across the wooden surface.

“Yeah, actually,” he huffed as if my mere thirty seconds of conversation was stonewalling his plans for the day. The closer I got, the more I realized that he was serious. He was packing enough food to last him until tomorrow night and enough ammunition to take down a small herd of the dead. My eyes narrowed on him and my lips pursed with agitation.

“Where? You gonna go find them too and get revenge? Spencer are you insane?” I snapped, sounding like my mother-God help me.

“No,” he corrected, “I’m gonna find Aiden and I’m gonna bury our brother.” He couldn’t hold back the anguish in his voice anymore. The flood of emotions had broken the dam of feigned strength and indifference.

I softened my rebuttal. “By yourself? Spencer, it’s not safe to be out there on your own.”

“Well, I’m not gonna leave him out there to rot!”

“And I’m not gonna let you go out there alone! You’re all I have left Spencer, I won’t have you dying over a burial ceremony!”

“Cassie, I’m sorry, I have to do this.” Turning has back to me, he slung the hunting rifle over his back and grabbed a small utility shovel. There was no stopping him. Nothing I could say would change his mind but if we had anything in common, it was that we were stubborn as hell.

He went for the door but I cut off his path with my five foot four inch height. “You’re not going alone,” I reinforced,  “I’m going with you.”  

 

There was something harmonious about being out here.

Everything was greener and somehow the air was easier to breathe. I saw the birds and the squirrels and every insect like creature that I used hate roam around as if nothing had ever happened. In a way, I was jealous of their mindless, habitual actions. They could still enjoy the warmth of the sun as it filtered through the canopies of the trees. They didn’t have to see the same house, walk the same street, hear the same thing, day after day after day. Everything out here was free and fearless.

I stayed a few steps behind Spencer as we disturbed the stillness of the forest in search for Aiden’s body; which may or may not still even be around. He hadn’t spoken so much as a few words to me since we left Alexandria. Maybe he was letting his thoughts circle the drain of observation. He held his rifle close in case something stepped out of the shadows but it seemed to be just us and the trees. I wanted to say something; it felt unnatural to keep words that needed to be spoken locked behind closed, unconfident lips. Sentiments of truth and comfort and worry layered my tongue until it felt heavy and foreign in my mouth, but I didn’t know how to speak them in ways that he would hear.

“Do you even know where we’re going?” I finally asked, avoiding all other conversation starters.

“Nicholas told me where, we’re going in the right direction.” He looked back at me. “You didn’t have to come, Cassie.”

I toyed with the knife in my hand, “I couldn’t let you go by yourself.”

“It’s just…” he stopped in his tracks to find himself in his mental haze, “I think if it were you or me, Aiden wouldn’t have left us. He would do this for us, or mom or dad.”

“Yeah, I know,” I smiled faintly, “Aiden was a dick,” I laughed quietly, “but he was a good man. He was proud of you Spencer, you know that right?”

“I should’ve been there, I should’ve gone with him.” His eyes were shut with regret.

“You might not be here now if you went with him.” I hated to say it, but it was true. Aiden was notorious for digging himself into holes and dragging people along with him. “We should keep going.” I nudged his shoulder to change the subject like changing stations on a radio.

“And where is it exactly that you’re going?”

Our heels turned sharply on the carpet of dead leaves to see a thin, scraggly man with short blonde hair and a denim jacket. He had a twisted smile on his dirty face but the most disturbing feature was the angry, red ‘w’ carved into his forehead.

My heart jumped up to my throat and the air I was breathing became deprived of oxygen and I was suffocating. Spencer pushed me behind himself to shield me from the stranger.

“We’re just scavenging,” Spencer lied.

“Doesn’t look you’re finding anything.” the blonde observed. I yelped when two hands grabbed me and pulled me away from my brother. The knife I was holding, my only defense, fell to my feet from the sudden movement. Spencer turned again to see a second man with longer, darker hair holding a blade to my throat. Spencer held his hands out as a white flag.

“Don't hurt her. You can take whatever you want, just please don't hurt her.” The overprotective, loving, caring brotherly nature spoke for him. His eyes were wide with apologetic apprehension. I stared into them, hoping they weren’t going to be the last thing I ever saw.

“You see,” my captor lowered the knife, “we're not the type of people to negotiate.” he informed cooly before plunging the blade into my side from behind my back. I screamed in pain and looked down to see the bloodied tip of the once silver metal poking through the front of my abdomen. When he pulled it out, I fell to my feet and gasped for air through the gut wrenching agony, my hand pressed to my side.

“Cassie!” Spencer called to me while they ripped his gun and bag away from him. With clenched teeth and a bleeding wound, I reached for my fallen knife before I was pulled up to my feet by my hair.

“We will be taking all your stuff though, including her.” The one who stabbed me laughed as if this was a casual afternoon activity. I fought to get away when I realized all too late what was about to happen.

I wanted to look away. I didn't want to remember him like that. Hot tears blurred my vision but it wasn't enough to spare me from the sight of Spencer getting his throat cut open by a man with a sadistic smile. Dark, thick, red blood spilled from his neck and onto the ground where it was soaked up like rain in a desert. I cried out to him as he fell to the ground, eyes open, staring up at the sky with an empty gaze. Just like that, he was gone.

It could have been the fact that I was losing a fair amount of blood through the gash in my side but I felt numb and my knees were shaking under the weight of my body. When the man tried to pull me away from the scene, my fight or flight reaction finally took over and I stabbed my knife into his leg and bought myself until time to pull out from under his hands and broke free towards anywhere that wasn’t here.

The young man howled in pain but replaced his baying with swearing when he saw that I was making a run for it. As I put as much distance between myself and them, I heard him snarl to his counterpart to chase after me and kill me.

I pushed through thickets of branches and thorny bushes that bit and pulled at every inch of exposed skin, adding trickles of blood that dripped from my body, along with the throbbing reminder that I was still alive; for now. I was running blindly towards my own death. I knew that without something to stop the bleeding, I would eventually exhaust my supply of adrenaline and succumb to the fatality of blood loss. Overexerting my body and oxygen like this wasn’t buying me any time, either. They’d catch up to me before too long and I hoped that they would be kind enough to end my suffering and keep me from turning into a mindless killer.

Time seemed to slow and my breathing became more labored with every step. I could feel the glacial tingling starting to crawl up my spine and give me the impression that the world was no longer standing still. My sense of direction was distorted by dizziness but I had to keep going.

I broke through the forest and found myself on a dirt road.

And in the company of yet another group of potential marauders.

My lungs were pleading for a single breath. I was swaying on my feet, sick to my stomach and wishing for my heart to stop beating against my chest as if it was trying to break through the bone. A man with grey hair and a slick smile approached me. It may have been the substantial blood loss, but I thought I saw a blip of concern in his eyes when he roughly grabbed my shoulders to keep me upright.

“Whoa there, missy, where’s the fire?” his tone was affable and buoyant.

“Please…” I choked, “please don’t.” My grip on reality was slipping through my fingers like water in a raging river. There was nothing to hold onto. He spoke to me again but it was as quiet as a mosquito buzzing in my ear. The sun behind him faded, obscured by black clouds in my eyes. There was a dull pressure from his hands on my arm but it was gone as soon as I hit the ground and let my blood and my body join the Earth.

 

\---

 

He stared blankly at the snarling, dead bodies on the other side of the fence. Most of them had ended up in their by his own hand. Their jaws snapped wildly at him as he stood just a few feet away. They seemed to be the only company he could foster in the past few days. Ever since he’d had a run in with Aiden, the dark brown tint in his eyes was almost black with anger and disquietude. No one dared approached him unless they wanted to come face to face with the reaper that occupied his body from time to time. Even among a sanctuary of people, for the first time in a long time, he felt alone. The slightest possibility of finding his wife alive and well kept him going day in and day out but now that was gone and there was nothing left.

Remembering he was in the middle of a conversation with the small group of men and women lingering behind him with an awkward patience, he faced them. “Just, send Simon over first, see if we can ‘good cop’ this thing and see how far we get.” He didn’t want to put that much thought into a solution at the moment. “Where the hell is Simon anyway?” His right hand man had left earlier today to check on the outpost that his brother-in-law had tried to steal from, but Simon had yet to return.

“Late to the party,” Laura chuckled, nodding to the two cars that were kicking up a flurry of dust and gravel as they drove up to the gate. He watched with an unamused smirk as someone pushed the iron fence open long enough for them to pull in and park in front of the large factory building. The doors flew open and Simon hopped out with his thumb hooked into the belt loop of his jeans.

“Gavin, go get Carson, chop, chop.” Simon’s request for medical assistance was unusually casual. Gavin made sure his gun was locked in place against his leg before running inside to get the Sanctuary’s doctor.

“The fuck took you so long?” Negan’s temper was running a bit shorter than usual. Simon didn’t seem offended by his leader’s caustic lilt.

“Found a girl on the way back. Poor thing was running from something and passed out right in front of me.” Simon shrugged, “Didn’t wanna leave her out there.”

“Well, aren’t you a benevolent fucking soul?” Negan miffed a laugh and started to walk towards the car to see for himself. One of the other men that Simon had taken with him took the liberty of opening the back passenger door and hauled her out of the car with little regard for the gaping wound that had turned her shirt into a red rag that was still dripping from the oversaturation of the threaded fabric. Her dark hair stuck to her face which was spattered with dried blood and dirt. The longer he stared at her, the shorter his stride became. He felt feverish, and it wasn’t because his jacket was trapping all the heat from the glaring sun.

The young kid was weak and struggled to hold her dead weight across his arms. When he lost his footing and accidentally let her slip from his hands and to the ground, Negan found his voice, the voice that put the fear of God into every man, woman and child left on this forsaken Earth, and shoved the man to the side.

“Get your fucking hands off of her!” he was on the verge of shouting as he looked down at her.

He had to have been losing his damn mind.

He picked her up and she fit right into the crook of his arm like a puzzle piece that he’d been missing to complete his picture of what made life worthwhile. Her head lolled against his chest and the sight of her face made his heartache like none other. She was right here, back in his arms after all this time, only to be hanging onto a slowly snapping limb of life.

By the time he had made it Carson’s office and laid her down the small bed, his white t shirt had become permanently discolored with his wife’s blood, but that was the least of his concern. For the first time since the world had gone to shit, his hands were shaking and he felt the kind of fear that he had witnessed everyone else endure when they lost someone that they valued more than their own life.

Carson wasn’t his favorite person, but he was damn good doctor and, right now, the only thing that stood between hearing Cassie’s sweet voice again and burying her in the ground.

The doctor shook his head when he peeled back her shirt to get a better understanding of the extent of her injury. “She’s lost a lot of blood, Negan.” he murmured quietly. He was afraid that his boss would take out his frustration on him, despite his lack of responsibility for any of it. “She’s unconscious and her blood pressure is dangerously low,” he slung the stethoscope back around his thin neck, “I can’t do anything without a transfusion and I don’t know her blood type.”

Negan was ripping his jacket off before the doctor could throw the towel in. “It’s the same as mine,” he couldn’t take his eyes off her. Even now, she was still the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen. “Get your fucking needle and get to work, doc!”

“How do you know?” Carson scrambled at the force of his leader’s command.

“Just fucking doing it, Carson, God dammit!” God help him if he had to watch his wife die on a makeshift operating table just because the old man wouldn’t take his word for it.

“Okay,” the man of medicine gave in without another word. He swiped some rubbing alcohol over his skin before piercing a needle into one of the prominent veins in his leader’s arm. Negan barely flinched. He was more focused on the faint rise and fall of her chest, afraid that at any given second there would be no exhale following an inhale.

For a split second, his thoughts flickered back to Aiden and his lip twitched in perverse joy. As he reveled in the sight of his wife, he had suddenly felt justified in killing him; that lying son of a bitch.

 

                                                                                      

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *I figured out how to put pictures in here and so I just had to do it because I got so excited*
> 
>  
> 
> Anywho, I am looking forward to the future of this story and I hope you guys are too! Not gonna lie, I've been waiting to reunite these two since chapter one so I'm glad I've made it this far. 
> 
> Thank you guys for your support and for being awesome! Hope I continue to not disappoint!


	11. Nothing Lasts Forever

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've read over this a dozen or so times but I always miss something so I apologize. (I always forget to type "me" for some reason.) And Sunday's episode is by far my favorite. So much JDM in one episode, this girl can die happy.

“Cassie!” His call for her fell short when it was muffled by the afternoon wind and the falling leaves.

“Keep your voice down, we ain’t the only ones out here.” The archer hushed him with a voice that had been perpetually roughened by one too many smokes and underage drinking of hard liquor.

“You see any tracks?”

“Yeah, they headed this way,” Daryl told him, his eyes seeing patterns in the monotonous leaves that no one else could recognize. Rick followed after him, squinting his blue eyes as the sun broke through the clouds. “Anyone see 'em leave?”

Rick shook his head;annoyed at the lack of observation from everyone. “No,” his gaze shot to the left at a snapping branch just to see a deer flee from their presence. “I told her not to leave.” He sounded angrier than he was. Truthfully, he was scared.

After he'd lost Lori, he barred off the possibility of letting someone get _that_ close to him. He buried his sense of self under miles of cold black earth just so he wouldn't have to ever feel the mind numbing sting of losing someone who made him feel human again. God knows he'd damn near lost his last few remaining shreds of sanity after his wife passed and hell only knew what would happen if he was put to the test again.

He didn't want to test those waters, couldn't trust what lurked beneath the surface, but when he met her he seemed to throw everything out the window and jumped in without a moment's hesitation.

It was in her smile. It was pure. It was innocent. It gave him hope that there was a future that didn't involve so much bloodshed and heartache. She didn't know about the things he'd done or how effortlessly each pull of the trigger was. He wasn't a monster, but he was a killer, yet she still thought of him as a good, well intentioned man.

More often than he should, he caught his thoughts sneaking back to the night that they shared. He knew she had been hurting, and maybe he took advantage of her empty heart, but he wasn't exactly the epitome of emotional well-being either. He wanted to protect her and he couldn't explain why. Hell, if he looked at it through a black and white color scheme, he just _wanted_ her; wanted to be near her, touch her, listen to her, kill for her if he had to and she hadn't denied him any of it.

He'd let her close, locked her inside his mind, only for the cruel hands of the world to take her away right from under him.

Daryl spoke once more and viciously pulled him out of his spiral, “I'm sure she's alright, seems like a smart girl. We’ll find her.” he assured.

Rick opened his tensed jaw to express the blame he was putting on himself for her absence but stopped short when something burrowed in the grass reflected the sun's rays. He pressed past Daryl to pick up a knife with a bloodied grip. It was the knife he had given to Cassie right before he left. There was blood everywhere but nothing to show for it.

“What is it?” Daryl put his crossbow down to get a better look.

“I gave this to her before I left,” Rick felt a flash of white, overprotective rage sift through him. Daryl hummed and studied the red tinted ground.

“Something happened, two more sets of prints over here.” his eyes followed a path that jutted off from the pattern. “Someone ran, mighta been her. Maybe she got away.” He pointed towards the specks of blood that had dried and become a breadcrumb trail. “See that? They’re bleedin’, couldn’t have made it far.”

There was a one in four chance that it was her blood and the former deputy wasn’t in favor of those odds. Angrily, he stuffed the blade under his belt for safekeeping. The two of them started towards the unkempt trees when they heard the familiar snarl and uncouth dragging of feet from behind them. Rick didn’t want to look. He’d been witness one too many times to the consecution of losing someone to an unfinished death.

He forced his feet to turn and was greeted by Cassie’s brother, Spencer. As twisted as it was for him to believe, he was almost relieved that it was Spencer who approached him with outstretched hands and a throat that was cut open from side to side. A gruesome sight but not the worst he had ever seen, and at least it wasn’t her that he would have to put down.

The movement of his arm, knife gripped tightly in his hand, was flawless as he drove the blade into Spencer’s skull. He let him drop without a shred of respect or dignity that the dead used to deserve. When he was a cop, he had only killed two people- out of self defense. The death of two criminals had gifted him nights of restless sleep and inexorable hours of recapitulating his actions, wondering if there was something he could have done to spare their lives. Now, he’d lost count of how many lights he had extinguished. He didn’t have to think about it anymore. It was as effortless as breathing.

“Maybe she got away,” Daryl echoed. Rick couldn’t help but get caught on the sharp edge of ‘maybe’. It pulled on his mind and cut into his newly rekindled sense of hope.

“Come on,” Rick directed tautly as he trudged through the trees to follow the crimson trail, “I wanna find her before dark.”

 

\---

 

It was a battle to open my eyes.

The faint movement made me groan in discomfort. Every blink made my skull throb and it felt like I had been dropped on my head a few times over. As the light forced its way into my mind, I took a deep breath to restart my system. My side surged with a fiery protest and I took shallower breaths to avoid the pain. I moved my hand to my forehead to search for a sign of impact that was causing me an alcohol absent hangover. A slight pressure followed my arm and the sheer shock of seeing an IV needle nestled in the vein of my hand and taped to my skin woke me up like a blaring alarm clock.

“The hell?” My fingers made quick work of pulling the tape off and, though I was shaking terribly, they went for the needle next.

“Oh, I would strongly advise against removing that.” A very southern and rather monotone voice spoke.

My head snapped up hard enough to give me whiplash. There was a portly man sitting in an antiquated wooden chair a few feet away from me. He had a thick book in his hands and seemed at ease in a button up and khaki shorts.

“Who the hell are you?” Like a slow, oncoming rainstorm, each new detail of my surroundings that dawned on me was a heavy drop of rain. I was resting on a twin sized bed that was just long enough to keep my feet from dangling off the end. There were two frosted windows carved into pale yellow walls that allowed me to discern the time of day. It was early evening and the sun was bleeding red and orange into the small room.

“I’m doctor Eugene Porter, I’m the Chief Engineer of this facility.” He informed pointedly. Judging by the mullet he was sporting, he didn’t seem like a threat. I had no idea where I was but I didn’t think it was somewhere I wanted to stay.

I was already searching for the door, “Where am I? How long have I been here?” The panic seared my tone.

“You’re at the Sanctuary, you’ve been occupying that bed for the last three days, but I can assure you that you are safe here.” Three days?! My head collapsed on the pillow in defeat. Everything in my mind was a violent whirlwind as it struggled to piece everything back together. “Can I get you some creature comforts?” Before I declined his innocuous offer, I stopped to think that it may be the only chance I would have to be alone.

“Yeah, some water would be nice.” I breathed, feigning a hoarse voice.

He nodded, “Can do. I'll be back quicker than a cat on a mouse.” He set his book down on his seat when he stood and headed out the open door. When I could no longer hear his footsteps, I took the needle out of my hand and winced at the sting it left behind.

I sat up too fast for my own good and immediately regretted it. The puncture from the knife in my stomach was still in the process of healing and began to force it's misery onto every nerve ending in my body. I laid back down, easing the pain out with every breath, my eyes closed to the mirage I was currently living in.

“Want some company?”

The word disoriented paled in comparison to how I felt at the sound of that voice. I had to have been dreaming or maybe I was dead. Perhaps the afterlife was a disillusioned wish come true that was only meant to put me through a torturous cycle of showing me things I'd never truly have again. I opened my eyes and they found the door and the man leaning against the frame, with a smile on his face that could break my heart and piece it back together without so much as a single scratch.

He chuckled, the sound of his laugh as warm to me as a fireplace in the dead of winter, “'Bout fucking time, I've been losing my damn mind waiting for you to wake up.” He pushed himself off the door and walked over to me. I stared at him, my blue eyes wide with disbelief, afraid that if I blinked, spoke a single word, or even breathed out of my monotonous pattern, he would disappear and haunt my every notion of existence.

The way he carried his six foot something self made the air catch in my chest. He looked different but in a way,everything about him was the same. He was all confidence, from the dark boots to the heavy, scuffed, black leather jacket and those dark brown eyes that could make me lose my train of thought with one single look. The dark scruff of a beard that was flecked with what had to have been stress induced greyness was atypical from his clean cut habits. It made his wolfish smile and overall appearance that more pleasant to drink in.

“You,” his deep voice sung, smooth and rich like aged whiskey, “left me on one hell of a cliffhanger, baby.” He pulled a chair up next to the bed and sat down with an overly satisfied sigh. My body felt like it was leaning off the edge of hyperventilating. All I could do was look at him with my lips trembling in hesitation of every lexeme and sentiment that had consumed my life for the past three years.

I didn’t know what to say. There were at least fifteen hundred questions I wanted to ask-not to mention the diminutive amount of residual anger that was melting away in the warmth of his gaze- but I couldn’t get a single sound out of my throat.

Crying seemed like a reasonable, melodramatic medium.

“What are you doing here?” I choked through the sobs that were making my chest feel tight with a lack of control, “I thought you were stuck in Philadelphia.” It was the largest city in the state and, from what I had heard, was hit the hardest by both the military and the dead. Hardly anyone made it out alive.

He let out a soothing hum and reached for my hand. The heat of his skin against mine only solidified the fact that I wasn’t hallucinating. “Did you really think I wouldn’t chase after you? Give me a little fucking credit, baby,” he laughed. “I’d go through hell and back a thousand times over to see those baby blues.” At the mention of my weeping blue eyes, he pressed his hand to my cheek and wiped the salty drops off my skin with his thumb.

He moved his arm back when he saw me forcing myself to sit up. I exhaled sharply once I was upright and the pain that twisted inside me was camouflaged by the tears that were traversing down the side of my face and getting lost in the fringes of my hair. I wanted to slap him across the face, pick up where we left off. I wanted to tell him that a part of me died when he told me what he’d done and that the reason for my happiness was dropped at the door when I had left.

“I missed you,” I whispered, “I missed you _so fucking much_.”

In the few seconds it took for me to blink my perception clear, he rested his forehead against my temple. The breath of his laughter against my ear made me shudder in defenseless abdication.

“Hmm,” he used the tips of his fingers to turn my head to the side until his lips hovered precariously over mine, “still got my dirty mouth, I see.” He closed the agonizingly sheer distance between us and captured my lips in his kiss.

It only took the slightest, ephemeral touch from him to remind me why I had missed him so much; why I refused to let him go. He was the sultry heat of summer and the ambrosial cool night that followed after. His touch was enough to tease the oxygen out of my body and I was pulling him closer to me by his jacket for a breath of air. He bit down on my lip when he broke away, the evidence of how his nature would stumble and sway between rugged cupidity and thoughtful devotion.

I kissed him one more time to savor the taste of his lips that reminded me of cinnamon, bittersweet chocolate and burnt caramel; the month of November when we got married, Sunday nights when we stayed up too late watching cheap movies because we didn’t want to go work the next day, and coming home to his smile when I’d had a long day.

“Not one goddamn day has gone by when I haven’t thought of you, Cass.” He grabbed my jaw with a ferocity that caught me off guard. “I know we got shit we need to work out but I promise I’m gonna make it up to you if you’ll let me.” It had been eating at him just as much as it had taken a toll on me. I could hear the regret and the nights with dreams of nothing but self loathing in the jagged edge of his voice.

I nodded, helplessly lost in my newfound paradise.

“One glass of ice cold hydrogen-oxygen bonds and some first class DIY fruit leather.” Eugene returned in an over elaborate fashion of words. Negan stood up and whirled around on his heels with a smirk pressed over his lips.

“Dr. Smarty-pants,” he drawled, “would you mind keeping my girl company for a few more hours?”

“Wait,” I whined, almost like a child as I pulled at the sleeve of his jacket. He gave me his full, undivided attention, “where are you going?” The thought of letting him walk away sounded worse than any form of torture my mind could conjure up.

“This fucking place ain’t gonna run itself.” he grinned with his typical cocky tune.

“You...you run this place?” I tried to hide the astonishment in my words. It wasn’t that he lacked the leadership skills, he could don the authority of a five star general, but he never seemed like the type to enjoy babysitting people.

He pulled the air into his lungs and laughed, rocking back on his heels. “There’s a lot we gotta catch up on, baby,” he bent down to tenderly kiss my forehead, “and we will. I just gotta take care of a few things and I’ll get Dr. Carson to give you a once over and make sure you’re good to go and be back in a few hours.” Part of me felt like he was playing on my chaotically puzzled mind but the rest of me didn’t give a damn.

“Yeah, okay,” I gave in breathlessly. He smiled again, that resolution breaking, make-me-fall-head-over-heels smile.

“Eugene’ll get you anything you need while I’m gone.” He glanced over at the man with the mullet, who was sheepishly staring down at his socked sandals. “Then it’s you and me, baby,” he winked. I blushed a shade of pink that had escaped me for some time. He chuckled and tapped his fingers to the color in my cheeks as if he had been expecting it and was pleased to be right. He gave me another kiss before showing himself to the door, the swing in his step more pronounced than when he had come in. My longing gaze lingered after him.

“You consider yourself a fan of the tangy or the sweet variety?” Eugene asked out of context. I knitted my brows and looked to him.

“What?” He was an odd one, linguistically speaking.

“Fruit leather,” he clarified, “green apple or raspberry?”

“Uh, raspberry, I guess.” An awkward trace of a smile brightened his otherwise impassive expression. My attempt to return the favor was in vain but he seemed to appreciate the effort regardless.

“Good choice, sister.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Few things, in my walking dead world, I wanted Eugene to be a part of the Saviors already because for some reason, I've just really enjoyed his character a lot more since he's been at the Sanctuary. My hopes are for him to become a good friend to Cassie but we'll see. 
> 
> The next chapter I'll dive in a bit more into the Sanctuary and some of Negan's darker habits and I don't know, maybe do a bit of Cassie/Negan action but we will see which way the winds blow.
> 
> I don't know how in the holy hell I am gonna pick between Rick and Negan because they are damn near perfection in my eyes. 
> 
> Hope ya'll enjoyed it, I'm looking forward to spring boarding from here! Thank you guys for the warm comments and kudos. You make my heart happy!


	12. Familiar Taste of Poison

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back! With a chapter! Thanks for your patience! Work and school have been crazy but that's not new. Good news though, I finally got the promotion I've been working my ass off for! 
> 
> I kinda like this chapter so hopefully, it's not a total boring filler chapter but I swear I have exciting plans! 
> 
> I hope we have all been recovering from the heart-wrenching move that AMC has hurt us with. Though I kinda enjoyed watching Rick and Negan fight because I'm perverse.

For the love of all that is good and holy, give the man what he wants and let him be naked!

Anyway...story....

 

\---------------------------------------------------

It gnawed at me; slowly, compulsively. It wasn’t a good feeling. It wasn’t a quick revelation or a searing tear at my conscious. It ebbed through my body with fingers that decayed my confidence with the slightest touch, like a disease that was trying to warn me rather than kill me.

There was something...off about him and as much I didn’t want that demon whispering and magnifying my doubt on my shoulder, I couldn’t shake it off. There was an earnestness in his voice that could have tortured me with ignorance but the way he talked, the way he walked- like he was a god among men- made me uneasy. I married a confident man but this was something else.

A couple of hours had passed, the doctor had come and gone and given me the all clear yet I stayed in the bed, listening to Eugene drone on about something that I had lost my understanding in a few sentences after he started talking. His monotone voice was a nice form of white noise and I welcomed it with the occasional nod and hum of feigned surprise and interest.

“Of course, I’d be remiss if I didn’t say that, at times, activities at the HGP were as organized as a flea circus, but,” he was talking about the human genome project; still.

“Eugene,” I interrupted with an abrupt rudeness that he seemed to dismiss as if he was used to it, “what’s...what’s Negan like?” For reasons beyond my comprehension, I felt at ease enough with the awkward man sitting in the room with me to ask him the question that had been weighing on my mind.

I seemed to catch him off guard, “I have no intention of offense, but I do believe you would be more acquainted with him than I am.”

My lips twitched in a smile. Yes, naturally, a decade and a half with someone would yield that impression. “No, I mean as a leader,” I paused thoughtfully, “and plus, people change.”

The look on his otherwise impassive face showed that he was choosing words from his expansive vocabulary with careful precision.

“Well,” he cleared his throat uneasily, “I'd classify his form of leadership as systematic.”

“Systematic?”

He nodded, firmly supporting himself, “He’s well informed on the know how's of survival. He runs a tight ship, not to say he's not a reasonable man, but…” his words drifted off as if they were being willingly carried away with an ocean tide.

“But?” I pressed. His description so far was fitting enough. As a coach and a gym teacher, he was strict but the kids respected him. He got a plethora of phone calls from parents complaining that their child came home crying after baseball practice but he always brushed it off with a chuckle that would send a disgruntled mother into a fit of rage.

“It would be sufficient to say that it's in everyone's best interest to not stoke the fire.” he rushed the words out of his mouth before falling silent. My brows knitted together in confusion at his cryptic warning, but my further inquisition was halted by a heated shift in the air that I knew all too well.

I fixed my gaze to the figure at the open door. He had a stern, somewhat irritated look on his face, embodying whatever baleful thoughts were occupying his mind. His jacket was gone, revealing the individual tattoos on his arms. When his dark cognac eyes met mine, his heavenly smile took the place of his scowl and I couldn't stop myself from smiling back. It was a knee jerk reaction that would be forever ingrained into me.

“Hey,” I greeted quietly.

“Miss me?” he wondered affably. He'd always say that when he came home from work. I rolled my eyes and smirked for the sake of tradition. “Eugene, why don’t you take the night off and go do whatever the fuck it is you do for fun?” Negan cut the air with his expressive hand motions as he walked towards me.

“Can do. I’ve got a predetermined evening planned with a book I’ve been itching to read.” he stood and looked between us, smiling smugly. “Spoiler alert, it’s contents are regarding the history and extinction of some underrated but very badass sea creatures. It’s a real page turner, I guarantee you.” The bond of our matrimony reared its head when we gave him the same blank expression of incuriousness and confusion. “Cassandra, it has been both an honor and a enjoyable duty to be your company for these past seventy two hours and I do hope I can gain a better insight on what could be a platonic friendship, taking your situation with our fearless leader into consideration.” Without even waiting for a reply, he gave a nod to Negan and strode out the door, his posture stiff and awkward.

Negan chuckled and helped me up into a sitting position, “I think he likes you,” he mused, “but what’s not like?”

“You were gone a while,” I swept his comment under the proverbial rug and he let out a crestfallen sigh.

“Angry with me already? Baby, we haven’t even gotten started,” he pursed his lips facetiously, cocky as ever.

“I’ve _been_ angry with you for a long fucking while,” I corrected dourly as I hopped off the bed and onto the floor. I wanted to stretch but feared I might pull at the stitches in my side by doing so. “You are still in a serious hole.”

“I know, Cass, you can tear into me all you want later and I’ll take every hit you wanna throw at me, but I wanna talk about you first.” Even with my arms crossed and my back as straight as I could make it, I only stood tall enough to meet his shoulder. He tipped my chin up with his finger to make sure I was paying attention. “What the fuck happened to you?” he lowered his voice. “And I wanna know who almost killed my wife so that I can fucking kill them myself.” The force and animosity in his hushed words was tangible. I would’ve been able to taste it on his lips, bitterly metallic, like he was already envisioning spilling someone’s blood over the earth.  

I felt a twinge that made my jaw tight and the salty sting in my eyes, “I’ve had a long week,” I supplied.

“Like hell you did,” his vocabulary was never known for being sympathetic or appeasing. It was _how_ he spoke. He could give the same sentence a hundred different meanings depending on the harshness or tenderness of his voice. “Cass, you disappear for three goddamn years and then when I see you again you’re bleeding out from a fucking stab wound.” He used his other hand to gather my dark hair to one side so he could get a better look at the pale bruise along my right eye.

I didn’t want to relive it but I knew he wasn’t going to let the matter drop. I sighed with reluctance, “Spencer and I were out in the woods and then these two guys,” I shuddered at the gory scene that replayed at my words, “they stabbed me and... killed him right in front of me. I was able to get away and then I just left him there. I left my brother to die in the woods alone.” I was tired of crying but my eyes had other aspirations. He contained my sorrows to his chest when he tried to comfort me with his arms wrapped around my weak frame.

He was warm, as if he had been working out in the hot Virginia sun all day. It made my heart suffer in the aftermath of how much I had longed for his embrace. “Holy hell, Cass,” he combed his fingers through my hair while I listened to the quiet thrum of his deep voice and steady heartbeat, “what the fuck were you two doing out there?”

Heaven help me, he was really testing my emotional stability today. “Someone killed Aiden last week and Spencer wanted to bury him...I didn’t want him to go alone.”

His chest shifted with a long breath of disconcertment. “I’m sorry, baby, I truly am. I know your family and I didn't exactly get along, but I am sorry.” All I could do was nod and burrow my face into the soft white fabric of his shirt. I didn't need sympathy, I just wanted normalcy. In the back of my mind, even though I was in the one place I had been dreaming about for nights on end, I had the feeling a happy ending was out of reach.

When I stuck to the shadows of silence, he placed an amative kiss that became lost in my hair. With my eyes closed in false serenity, I could have easily been fooled into thinking that everything was alright.

“I’m glad you’re alive, Cassie. Losing you would’ve pushed me over the fucking edge.” I looked up at him and he smiled just enough to bring a fleck of lightheartedness to his eyes. “Even if you still want to kill me,” he challenged.

“There’s still some room for redemption,” I muttered, choosing to hide my puffy, red eyes in his chest rather than look at his flawlessly charming grin; the one where he’d have his brow raised and his tongue caught provocatively between his teeth.

“You’ll see, Cass, you’re gonna wanna marry me all over again.”

I pushed him away from me and wiped the droplets from beneath my lashes. “Don’t get too ahead of yourself, asshole.” I slapped him with a callow insult to disguise the fact the corner of my mouth was lifting into a smile.

He laughed with earnest amusement. If anything, he enjoyed a harmonious banter from time to time to keep things interesting between us. “That’s more like it!” With a sweet sigh, he pulled me into his side and kept me there with his arm around my shoulder. “Let’s get you settled in. You hungry?”

I shook my head, too disrupted by the lingering knot in my stomach to have an appetite, “Not really.”

“Bullshit,” he shot me down before I could fire my gun of reasoning, “you haven’t eaten in three fucking days. I’m not gonna let you fucking starve to death.” He knitted his brows as if the idea was blasphemy. “C’mon,” he forced me to walk with him to the ominously cold and quiet hallway, “I’ll make you spaghetti.”

  


The trek to the room where he laid his head every night seemed to stretch on forever, as if every step we took only made the journey longer. If there wasn’t incommodious unfinished business between the two of us before, there was now. Without the distraction of a bittersweet reunion to keep our thoughts away from the precarious situation we had left each other on so long ago, the silence between us had never felt so perverse. Our quiet breathing met and tangled in the cool hallway, trying to reconcile and get back to the secluded paradise we used to find in one another.

I was anticipating my imminent eruption of pent up feelings of molten betrayal and effusive, unyielding adoration that would eventually destroy our temporary peace in a fiery demise. He was awaiting the aftermath. The muffled apologies and pleas for reconciliation exchanged through desperate, wet kisses, ragged breathing, the refusal to let the light between us, and his lips leaving his signature concealed in the valley of my collarbone.

It didn’t take me long to learn that he found immense pleasure in pushing my buttons simply for the reaction he could illicit from me when we’d argue. Each and every time his honeyed words would coat his crimes and make them as sweet as forbidden fruit.

I told myself I would lead my habitual feet down a different path this time.

“How'd you end up here anyway?” I asked with his hand hovering over the small of my back. He was trapped between keeping his distance and proving his admiration.

He glanced down at me and I kept my gaze forward, “Probably the same damn thing that happened to you. Got stuck in this shit hole state when shit hit the fan while I was looking for you.” In his reverie, he settled his hand onto my hip and kept me close, “The group I was with was barely holding it together. The leader was a fucking heartless bastard in charge of a loose confederation of assholes. Shit was screwed up.” He shook his head with a scoff, “So, I took over, brought everything together, helped these fine people survive and built this place up.”

“You’ve been busy,” I stated the obvious. My husband had spent his spare time building a civilization while I gardened. Go figure.

“Don’t mean shit without you, Cass.” My steps were halted by his hand gripping my arm to spin me on my heel to face him. His eyes were liquid sincerity and my iron will was being twisted by the ethereal lure of his voice. Having no other choice, I looked down to my feet before my lips could offer him sanctuary from his sins.

He sighed gruffly, frustrated with his lack of progress.

“Well, well, well, look who’s standing on her own two feet,” the new voice spoke in a tune and Negan all but closed his eyes in annoyance at the interruption. Standing in front of us was the man whom I vaguely recalled passing out in front of. He looked like he should have been starring in a western movie as the bad guy who rides into town to take over the local saloon in a flurry of bullets and inconsiderate laughter. “I don’t think we’ve been properly introduced. Name’s Simon,” he smiled broadly.

“Simon’s my right hand man,” Negan added.

I nodded slowly, “Cassie,” I accepted Simon’s handshake only to have my arm vigorously rattled with enthusiasm. “Thanks for...not letting me bleed out on the side of the road.”

“Pleasure’s all mine, couldn’t let a pretty lady such as yourself be subjected to the harsh elements of the world’s current state. Especially not the boss man’s wife.”

“Was there something of fucking importance you needed to share with me, Simon? I’m kinda in the middle of something,” my husband’s tone was rigid, sharp and unwelcoming.

“Yes, actually,” Simon nodded with a smirk, “just a quick chat, won’t take long.”

The heat of Negan’s hand drifted down to my own to give it a squeeze, “I’ll be right back,” he lingered until I managed to give him some form of consent.

“Yeah, yeah,” I gestured for him to go about his business with a tilt of my head. Simon gifted me with an overly friendly wink as he walked around the corner with Negan. I stared after them with a tight lipped smile. Once silence took his place by my side, it guided my steps down a connecting hallway. The cement floor was spotless and the few open rooms I passed were nicely furnished. It wasn’t an overpriced housing development, but it seemed he had done well for himself. As I continued on my way, the sound of a woman crying blending with a second soothing voice drifted from one of the rooms up ahead, but I heard my name being called before I could investigate.

“Cass!” he almost sounded panicked. When I quickly made my way back to where he had left me, Simon was standing beside him, amused at his leader’s concern. “The fuck did you go?” his words were crass but his voice conversational.

I shrugged, unbothered by his typical vernacular, “Just looking around.”

“Well, I’ll leave you two kids be,” Simon announced. “I hope to see you around, Cassie. If you ever need anything you just let me know, sweetheart.”

“Uh, yeah, sure, thanks,” I mumbled.

Negan pushed me in front of himself to get me out of the scene, “Goodnight, Simon.” Curtly, he parted ways with his lieutenant and walked us towards a small set of stairs at the end of the hall. I could feel the heat from the inferno in his chest as he trailed after me and it made me anxious to the point where I had to ball my hands into fists to keep them from shaking.

We reached what I assumed was his bedroom and he opened the door for me while his eyes followed me into the dark. Apprehension kept me from walking too far ahead, afraid I would step into something. He shut the door behind him and maneuvered around my frozen frame to turn on a small lamp so I could see.

“Can’t fucking take you anywhere without someone making a fucking pass at you,” he joked bitterly.

“Right, because you’re the only one who can get attention from other people.” Standing in the middle of his surprisingly ornate room, I glared daggers at him, feeling the upwelling of suppressed emotions that had taken a hiatus for a few years.

He locked the door, ready to settle everything. “I never meant to hurt you, Cass. I fucked up, I’m not denying that.”

“Your intentions don’t mean shit!” I hissed. “I spent damn near half my life with you and you threw it all away for a one night stand with some college girl with fucking daddy issues! What the fuck were you thinking?!” He opened his mouth to speak but I answered for him. “Oh, wait, you weren’t, because you don’t give a shit about anyone but yourself!” I couldn’t stop myself from spewing all the venomous thoughts that had been festering for so long. Even in the dim light I could see his eyes narrow and darken in offense and irritation.

In a few long strides, he was towering over me but I stood my ground. “Don’t you think for one fucking second that I don’t care about you, Cassie,” he growled, “you’re the only thing I’ve ever given a shit about.”

“Then why did you do it?” Like a rainstorm in the middle of the night, the tears began to fall.

He pinched the bridge of his nose and dragged his hand over the facial hair I was still getting used to seeing on him, “I don't know, Cassie. I wasn't thinking and I fucked up. I hated myself in the morning and I still fucking do, believe me. But there was never anyone else before or after that. I just want you back, Cass, you and me.” I felt his hands wrap around my arms like a vice and I tried to pull away but every effort was futile. “I fucking love the shit out of you.”

My head was telling me that I didn’t need him, that I was fine on my own, that he broke his promise and didn’t deserve my forgiveness but the oxygen depriving tightening in my chest threatened to pull the trigger if I didn’t give in.

“Don’t--just let me go,” I sputtered, my voice breaking into asperous fragments.

“I know you’re fucking pissed, Cass, and I’m not letting you go until I am damn good and ready, so let me have it. I wanna hear you call me every fucking goddamn name under the sun. Hell, you can even hit me if you want, but we are having ourselves a little therapy session so we can fix this shit.” The twisted smile in his voice was the key to the cage holding my temper in and he knew it like the back of his hand.

“I’m not playing your games, Negan. You’re a cocky, selfish, asshole and I--”

“C’mon, baby, you’re just pointing out the fucking obvious, you can do better than that.”

I gritted my teeth at his interruption and the fact that I was getting inevitably caught in his riptide. “I hate what you did to me. I hate that you can act like fourteen fucking years meant nothing to you!”

“Watch it,” he warned lowly, drawing invisible lines in the sand that I couldn’t cross. My arms broke free of his hold and I shoved him away from me. He stumbled in his boots until his back hit the door.

“I hate that I still give a shit about you after what you did! You fucking broke my heart and now you think we can just pick up where we left off? No. Fuck that. Fuck you!”

“That what you think? That our marriage means nothing to me?” his blood was boiling and he spoke the with heat of a glowing red, hot iron. His fingers found my jaw and the tip of his nose met mine, “You listen to me, Cass, you are the only thing that has ever mattered to me and I’d kill every last fucking living thing on this goddamn forsaken earth for you. I loved you from the moment I saw you and nothing could ever change that, you understand me?”

If looks could kill, he'd be dead and brought back to life just so I could do it all over again. “Prove it.”

As if on command, he crashed his lips against mine and I had to wrap my arms around his neck to keep from being knocked over by the force of his actions. His kiss was far from gentle, yet it left me savoring every moment.

“What else you hate about me?” he mumbled against my mouth, struggling to keep his voice even as his fingers tangled in my hair and he kissed down my neck.

“Your stupid smile. The way you laugh.” And the fact that his ability to prove me wrong was as easy to him as breathing. “You're an asshole,” I gasped when he left a possessive bruise on my heated skin.

He chuckled quietly and his beard scratched against my flushed cheeks as he pressed his lips to my ear, “Can you give your asshole husband another chance?”

I knew what the correct answer to that question was. He was toxic to my sanity, a golden path to paradise that was paved with bad intentions, but I needed him like a bad habit that I couldn’t kick, even if it killed me.

“You know I will,” I whispered weakly, cut by the sound of my shameful truth.

I couldn't say no to him and it made me wish I was anywhere but here. I wished I was with my southern cop, his gun metal blue eyes and his rare, wholesome smile.

I wished I was with Rick.

 

   

He's like...so attractive that I want to die. Is that a thing? 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter: Rick! The Iron! Sneakiness! And maybe wives? 
> 
> If I do include wives I'm going to do a modified version of them because a) I feel like Negan has fucked up enough as is and b) I want him to be making an actual effort to be loyal to Cassie. 
> 
> Anywho, we will see. Thanks again for the kindness as usual and I hope you all have a splendid holiday season and that you get all you ever wanted! Sadly, I do not think Andrew Lincoln or JDM will be under my Christmas tree so I'll just have to settle for my cats.


	13. New Fears

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "All he wants to do his party with his pretty baby"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy New Years (kinda)!  
> Sorry this took me so damn long. I kept starting it, hating it, erasing it and rewriting it until it made me happy (and I got a VR system for my PS4 and admittedly got lost in Skyrim for the what is it now, the fifth time? and kinda lost track of writing...but Brynolf in VR? Mmm yeah.) Thank you guys for the kudos while waiting for the next update. It keeps me going every day! 
> 
> Hope this chapter pleases. I'm ramping up towards the face to face of the two men in Cassie's life (in like two more chapters?), which is gonna be fantastic and probably aggressive (but in a way that appeals to their inordinate attractiveness). 
> 
> And, okay, so get this: I went to Walker Stalker in Portland because JDM (my love) was going to be there in my town and I was hella excited to get this guy's autograph (I was gonna have him sign my laptop that I write all this shit on) and I get there and he's off doing photo ops; whatever, I wait. The people tell me he'll be back at 3:30 for autographs. I wait for 4 FUCKING HOURS and when 3:30 rolls around, they say, oh all the VIP people get to go first; fine, whatever, they paid a crazy amount of money for those tix. She says, come back at 4. I come back at 4, the VIP people are STILL in line. The place closes at 6. I wait and NOTHING. NADA. All the VIP people got his autograph and I didn't. I was SO sad and slightly depressed for the remainder of the week. The only cool part is that I got to see him from afar (like 13 feet?) and lawd have mercy on my soul, he is so fucking gorgeous like I'm talking sculpted by the gods gorgeous, better than his best angle on the show. He was so tall and handsome and he had his glasses on AND HIS SMILE LIKE HOLY FUCK, I damn near passed out from the sight of it and I wanted to cry over the fact that I didn't get to meet him. 
> 
> My poor husband went with me though and bless him for putting up with my crazy fangirl ass fawning over a man twice my age.
> 
> Moral of the story. I'm bucking up and buying a fucking photo op next time he's in town because fuck anything else. 
> 
> Thanks for letting me rant, I've had no one who would remotely understand. 
> 
> Enjoy!

“Rise and shine, baby, it’s a brand new fucking day!”

Waking up from what I thought was a very heated dream, my eyes fluttered open to a familiar figure throwing open the curtains and letting the crisp light of morning blind me in realization and bathe me in the shameful fact that I had fallen victim yet again to my husband's notorious charm.

“Since when are you a morning person?” I sat up and gave myself a once over. His white t-shirt that I had put on at some point during the night brushed against the stitches that were skillfully threaded into my side. Had I not been in his presence, I would have found a reflective surface to glare disdainfully at myself in

“Since sleeping in meant getting my face bitten off by a fucking walker.” he laughed to mock the darkness of his words. “Come on, I made you breakfast.” he had the energy of a child on Christmas morning as he set a tray of food on my lap. Though he was already managing to exhaust me further than he already had, my interest and hunger was piqued at the mention of him making breakfast; it was his culinary specialty. On the plate was a bit of fresh fruit, a fluffed batch of eggs and a pancake with an awkward yet endearing smiling face made of blueberries. It was so...so not him.

“Who are you and what have you done with my husband?” My brows knitted together and a smirk toyed on my lips.

“What?” the mattress dipped down as he sat on the edge beside me. “I made you breakfast all the time.”

“Yeah, but, it usually didn’t smile at me.” to prove my point, I plucked one of the eyes off the crisped dough and popped it in my mouth. He sighed and took the other one.

“I told ya, Cass, I want to start over, make things right between us.” his finger hooked onto the loose fabric of the shirt-his shirt- I was wearing and he winked at me, the tip of his tongue moving across his bottom lip. “We can call last night a clean slate.”

My cheeks burned and a chuckle hummed in his chest at the sight. I didn’t consider myself a prude, but I had been apart from his crass behavior for so long, I had to readjust to it again.

“Well,” I cleared my throat and the color from my cheeks, “thanks for breakfast.”

“Of course, baby,” his lips painted a gentle kiss on my forehead, “I’ll get you some new clothes, too, and whatever the fuck else you want.”

“You talk as if you have the world at your fingertips.” I commented as I cracked the silence that followed after with the bite of an apple slice. _Today,_ I thought to myself as I admired the way the soft light of the sun reflected a shade of cognac out of his expressive eyes, _today I was getting some goddamn answers._

“Oh, but, I do,” he grinned. His agreement led me to take a long look at the room I was inhabiting. Ornate was the only word surfacing in my mind, but it wasn’t the right word for him; none of this was like him. The leather couches, the decorative vases, and the subtle yet smooth manner in which every eclectic piece managed to tie into one elegant theme were all the things that used to earn a derisive snort of contempt from him but now he was happily living in it. He had thrown me through ten too many loops of confusion for my liking.

“How’s that?” I pried.

He answered quicker than a heartbeat, “Trade. My people give communities protection from the dead and whatever else is out there and in exchange I get half their shit.”

“How many communities are you protecting? I didn’t think there was anyone around.” Call it my lack of situational awareness, but I had surrendered to the impression that Alexandria was one of the last large groups of people alive. Aiden had never run across anyone on his runs, well, until his last run that is. I wondered if Negan would know who killed my eldest brother.

“Six or seven, only two of ‘em are what I’d call communities, the rest are smaller.” his hand reached forward to brush back the hair that had fallen over my eyes. “You’re so fucking beautiful, Cass.  I’m the luckiest man alive to call you mine.” the sound of his rough whisper melted over me like a flame melts a candle. Just like that, I was wide eyed and in love and it wasn’t until there was a knock on the door that I realized he had used his profession to abruptly change the subject away from my catechism.

He hopped to his feet to answer the door, grabbing his jacket that was lying over the back of a chair and slipping it on.

A small woman with long blonde hair and a voice as gentle and wavering as a summer finch was revealed when the door swung open. She was beautiful, so much so that I felt horrendously self conscious as I sat in a bed with mussed hair and a worn t shirt. I suddenly didn’t want to eat the rest of the food on my plate as I continued my comparisons.

“Here’s the clothes you asked for,” she looked down at the black flats she was wearing as if any sort of eye contact was forbidden.

It seemed he was oblivious to my blatant existence as he leaned his forearm on the doorframe with a supercilious air that proved just how insolent his leadership had made him. “Thank you, darling,” he breathed. A heavy weight knitted my brows together as I looked at the two of them with irritation flaring in my eyes. Darling? He _never_ called me that, but apparently, he threw the word around like it was his trademark when it came to everyone else besides me. He took the clothes from her and she started to head off but he stopped her. “How’s Mark doing?” his smile was vindictive yet sweet and I couldn’t decide if I wanted to slap him or slam the door on her delicate face.

“He’s fine…” her answer was wary.

“Hmm,” his teeth gnawed on his bottom lip for a minute while he thought, “can you tell him to meet me in my office? I’d like to have a word with him.”

The color faded from her face as if the blush in her cheeks was watercolor paint on a wet canvas. “Why?”

All the kindness that had made him seem so appealing only moments ago was gone. “Ain’t nothing you need to worry about.”

Her spine reappeared and she stood tall, “No, please, you don't understand!” he chuckled and sealed the door shut on her rebuttal. His eyes found mine and I quickly averted my gaze to the untouched plate on my lap.

“Here ya go, baby,” he smiled like what just happened was a figment of my imagination, “they should fit you like a glove.”

With a limp grasp, I accepted the textiles. “Who the hell was that?” Jealousy snapped at what should have been an innocent question and he clicked his tongue at my tone.

“That was Amber,” he introduced, “she’s my,” his hand waved at the air in hopes that the appropriate word would fall into his cunning grasp, “assistant.” he settled.

“Assistant?” I parroted. Why in the holy hell did he need an assistant? Better yet, why was his _assistant_ a comely young girl? Did he need something nice to look at while he was mourning my theoretical passing?

“Cass, come on, I know what you’re thinking and you’ve got the wrong fucking idea. I told you, there hasn’t been anyone else. She's just working off some medical supplies her husband needed.” he sighed like he had had this conversation with me at least a hundred times. “Now, would you please eat?”

“You haven’t told me shit.” I defiantly set the plate on the small nightstand beside me and shoved the covers away from my legs in disobedience. “Every time I try to figure out what the hell you’ve been up to these past three years, you try sweet talking your way out of it.” Judging by the stonewalled expression he was sporting, I dared say that I was annoying him. “What do you mean she's working for you?”

“It’s an economy,” he shrugged, “people work for points and spend ‘em on food and supplies. Some shit costs more than others. Amber’s husband needed medicine, which costs a fuck ton because it's so fucking hard to find, and they couldn't afford it. She's helping me out to pay back what they owe.”

“Why do you even have a system like that? Have everyone contribute and everyone gets their share.” As I tossed out my suggestions, I rushed to remove the white tee and replace it with a new grey v-neck so that I wouldn't have to see the marks he'd possessively made on my flushed skin. If he knew that I had willingly let another soul trace the path of my body in ways he’d never done, he’d be furious. He was overprotective over the things he’d attached his last name to and that was before savagery and lawlessness took place of rationality and proper justice. I had every intention of keeping my newfound relationships to myself unless I wanted to witness a hurricane of unwarranted emotions.

With the flick of a switch, I wondered if Rick was distraught over my absence. Part of me hoped that he hadn’t attached any strings to connect his heart to mine and was able to shrug my disappearance off as another lost soul in his travels. At the same time, the idea of him moving on with his life as if I never existed cut me deeper than the knife that had almost been the death of me. With my husband standing alive and well a few feet in front of me, that cut stung with obscure vow splintering shame. How could I have feelings for another man when the man I promised to have and to hold until death did us part had miraculously come to repair the damage caused by my broken heart?

“It can’t work like that, Cass, you know that. People need direction, they need rules. I wish I could have it where people could just take only what they need but there’s always someone who has to fucking ruin it for everyone else.”

“You and your rules,” I muttered under my breath. He was a great teacher and an even better coach. I could watch him turn the most unlikely, unathletic, unwilling child into a star player by the end of a season. He was strict as hell but he got the job done and did so by carving discipline into every malleable mind. Personally, between my mother and him, I was getting a bit chafed by all the rules I kept running into.

He contested my comment in his threateningly authoritative sing-song of voice, “The rules are what keep people alive. How the hell do you think I've kept everyone here in one piece? No one's starving or dying.”

Glaring at him from under my lashes, I tugged a dark pair of jeans over my bare legs. “You don't have to have forced labor to keep people civilized.” Somehow I knew he wasn’t used to having to argue his methods or explain his reasoning nowadays but the corner of his mouth twitched in a warm smile.

“You’re too damn good for me, Cass. You’re too fucking good for how the world is now.” his soothingly rough hands rubbed over my arms before delicately finding my desperation stricken face. “Look, baby, I got some shit I got to take care of but I promise you when I’m done, you can ask me about whatever you want.” There was something about the way I had to tip my head up to meet his ever towering gaze, and how I could feel the heat radiating from him without the slightest touch, that made me wish I could leave with him and go somewhere he didn’t have the weight of responsibility on his shoulders; somewhere we could truly start over.

“You’re leaving me again?” I exasperated with a twinge of sadness.

“I’m not gonna be far and I won’t be long.” he gave me a kiss that didn’t last long enough. “I’ll have Eugene show you around.” his boots led him to the door but he halted before escaping to the hall. “And stay away from Simon, I don’t trust that fucker around a beautiful woman.”

 

In the thirty minutes he had left me to attend to his other business, I had quickly fallen into a state of mind that had gone into remission a few years ago. I tidied up his room, straightened the smallest ornaments of decoration and folded his shirts that he had carelessly stored in the dresser. After there was nothing left to clean, that’s when I began to rummage through his bookshelves, the nightstand, under his bed, anywhere that might be hiding the answers to my questions.

It was a wasted effort, however. Rather than finding any evidence of his past, I only came across nostalgic remnants of our marriage that made my chest flutter with fondness. It was hard to tell, because of who he was as a person, but he did care a great deal. He held onto a few of my old shirts that I never thought I’d see again. There was the necklace he’d given to me for our first anniversary; the chain had broken years ago but that was meaningless as it rested in the drawer of his nightstand. The most damning piece I found was the well-creased, slightly faded wedding picture hiding in between the cushions of the couch he had set his jacket on last night. When I realized it had fallen out of his pocket and he had been carrying it around in his jacket, I was overwhelmed with guilt about throwing the once framed picture at him in a fit of rage before I left.

Another round of knocks shook the wooden door and I crammed the picture in my back pocket before answering it.

The strands of black hair framing my face whipped back with the breeze I created when I opened the door, “Oh, hi, Eugene.”

He nodded without smiling. I wondered how he managed to appear so amicable while giving no expression of emotion. “Cassie,” he greeted. “Negan has instructed me to give you a proper tour of the facilities so that you may accustom yourself with the whereabouts of important locales.”

“Right,” it was a struggle to bring my mindset back to the here and now. “I'll follow you, I suppose.” My feet carried me to the hallway and I sealed the room of misleading ideas behind me.

“Where would you like to start?” he wondered as if I would be able to procure an answer for him. I shrugged, not in the mood for the placation tactics my doting husband was using to keep my nose out of his business.

“What does the chief engineer do all day for fun?”

It hurt my heart that he seemed genuinely surprised that someone was asking about his interests. “Oh, I don't think it's anything you would find of intrigue or entertainment.” he brushed the suggestion off like a piece of lint on his shirt.

The unintentional hint of a scowl threatened to surface, “Try me.”

 

As I sat in an oversized, plush, sage green sofa chair, I watched heavily pixelated images flit and skirt on the television screen in front of me.

I scratched the back of my head before running my fingers through my hair to push it away from my face. I was trying to find the point of the archaic video game he was showing me but I giving up quick. “No offense, Eugene, but isn't this game…” I didn't want to be blunt but that seemed like the only option, “old?”

He was unbothered, as usual, “It is indeed, which by default makes this digitized piece a fail-proof classic.” his gaze was trained on the screen as his wrist snapped the one controller piece left or right.

“Okay, sure, but what's the point of it? You're just moving that triangle thing around.” This was far from my idea of fun, but it was nice to be in Eugene’s company. He was neutral on all playing fields. He just did what he was told and stayed out of everyone's way. His room was full of encyclopedia-sized books and was more of a nerd’s bachelor pad than anything. It gave my worries a rest and I felt at ease for the first time in a while.

“That is where you're wrong, sister,” finally, some inflection seeped into his voice, “that is Yar and his mission is to destroy the wall to defeat the Qotile.”

“Ah, of course, makes perfect sense,” I lied. It was just blocks of colors and annoying noises to me.

He paused it. “Normally, I don't make this offer, but given your status of First Lady of the Sanctuary, I can make an exception: would you like to give Yar’s Revenge a whirl? It's quite the hoot.”

“I guess,” I gingerly took the controller from him, afraid it would break judging by the high manner in which he regarded it. “What do I do?”

“Strategically shoot through the wall without taking any damage upon yourself from the hostile projectiles.” Obviously.

Ten minutes ticked by and I had somehow created a small dent in the so-called rainbow shaded wall. He seemed marginally impressed. Then my Yar died a tragic death.

“Don't be too hard on yourself. It takes many a skilled trial run to conquer and bring down the Qotile.” he assured. I had time to kill and didn't feel like getting up, though.

“Let me try again,” I muttered gruffly. He was more than willing to share his hobby with me and let me try again.

After the seventh time, a trill of monotone beeps and flashes of color took over the screen to symbolize my victory.

“Fuck yeah!” I rejoiced, letting my husband's vulgar influence slip out. “Did...did I win?”

“I wouldn't classify it as a win, but you did conquer the first level in an impressive time frame for your first playthrough.” He sat upright in his stiff chair. My face fell instantaneously.

“How many levels are there?” I snapped, distraught as a child who didn't want to put the work forth for the reward.

“Twenty.”

With a limp hand, I dropped the remote onto the floor and rose to my feet. “I'm gonna get some air.”

“We can play something else,” he offered to raise my spirits. “Warlords? Tetris?”

“Maybe later, I'll be back in a minute.” With that, I walked out on him and Yar, petulant irritation fueling my steps through the hallway. My mental map was nonexistent and I was aimlessly wandering across the floor. When I passed an open room, my gaze naturally drifted to the change of scenery. Two girls dressed far too ostentatiously for the dying world patted and soothed a crying blonde; Amber. I scarcely registered the fact that I had stopped walking and was staring at them, my fingernails digging into my palm as my hands made a fist.

She must have felt the weight of my glowering because she looked up at me, her eyes wide with a cocktail of fear and desperation. Deciding I didn't need to waste my energy on a girl I didn't even know, I continued on.

“Wait!” she shouted after me, tears cracking her voice. I stopped and slowly turned back. “You...you're Negan’s wife, right?”

“Mmhmm,” I was being petty and overtly curt, but I couldn't be bothered to give a damn. It wasn't her fault that she was gorgeous and I was as plain as a sun-dried grass field in a flyover state.

“Please,” she clutched my forearm, “please, you have to talk to him for me. He doesn’t understand! My husband, Mark, he needed those meds. He only stole what he needed. He can work it all off once he’s better!”

I didn’t know this girl from Eve, much less what she was talking about. What did she think I was gonna do about it? “What the hell are you talking about? Why don’t you talk to him? You’re his assistant aren’t you?” I hissed. Judging by the fact that the other two girls, who hung back in the room, were dressed the same as her, I was guessing he had a few more ‘assistants’ he wasn’t willing to talk about.

“You don’t understand. He’s going to-to,” tears spilled over her almond-shaped eyes and cut her words clean off.

“He’s going to what?” I ripped my arm out of her hand.

“The iron, Mark’s going to get the iron.” she managed to sputter a coherent sentence out between her rattled sobs.

“Am I supposed to know what that means?” The wall of defense and malice I built was crumbling in front of a complete stranger. Her inexplicable fear, the way she refused to look me in the eye like there was a twisted lie she was guarding me against, only solidified my concern. There were things he wasn't telling me, and while I was keeping the key to my box of secrets behind sealed lips, his misgivings were too afflicted to be remedied.

She ignored my question, along with the faint murmurs of people down the hall, the banging of a hammer against a sheet of plywood outside, the abrupt loss of vibrancy from my cheeks.  “Please, you're the only one who can stop him,” she begged.

This was miles outside of my comfort zone so I returned to the safe haven of lying and feigning comfort. “I'll talk to him, okay? You know where he is?”

“I don't know,” her arms swaddled her ribcage, “he might be in his office. It's down the hall, to the right.”

“Thanks,” I muttered. It bothered me that she knew where he was while I was kept in the dark with Eugene as my babysitter. I still had not the slightest idea what this ‘iron’ was or why it was the worst possible outcome for the girl's husband.

“Thank you,” she sniffed, eyes red and puffy, marring her flawless features.

While searching for his office, I heard his booming voice carry through the vents. It was hard to make out what he was saying but it made my skin twinge with a crawling discomfort. I followed the sound, hoping that the man on the other end wasn't going to make me wish I had never found him.

Reluctantly, I wound up quietly stepping onto the metal grates of a catwalk that overlooked a vacant work floor. I could tell that it once housed a myriad of machinery but it had all been removed, save for a hellfire furnace tucked securely in the corner of the room. A smattering of people shared the same expression as they looked pitifully upon a man with ash blonde hair tied to a rickety wooden chair. I felt as quiet and small as a mouse who was trying to evade the black sauntering cat among the crowd; the cat who knew my smell, the sound of my racing heart.

“You broke the rules, Mark,” Negan touted, “and I wish I could ignore the rules this one time and move on, but you know I can’t do that.” he sighed, smoothing over his dark facial hair and covering a smile. “Why?” he left Mark and made his way to the furnace to grab what looked like a classic clothes iron. It hit me like a hammer hits a nail and the meaning of Amber’s words struck sense into me. The iron had been nestled in the flames until it was a red, glowing figure of punishment and Mark had stolen medicine to keep himself alive, but it just might have been the death of him.

“The rules keep us alive,” the somber crowd muttered, off tune and out of step with each other. My husband suddenly appeared to be a cult leader, complete with a cowardly crowd willing to go along with him to keep the peace.

“Please, please don’t do this,” Amber’s other half begged with sweat drenching his forehead and fear lining his words. No one noticed me as I stepped further out along the railing. Every pair of eyes was for my husband and his next move. Even when he slipped a heavy glove over his arm to take hold of the iron, I still believed that I had to have been imagining it. Maybe I was still lying in the bed, having a terrible dream; maybe I’d wake up and hear the sound of my brothers arguing downstairs and quickly forget about the fowl images the dark recesses of my mind conjured up as a sick joke.

Negan chuckled at the fact that he had reduced a man to tears. “Sorry, Mark, but rules are rules.”

The breath in my lungs chilled over in disbelief and choked me with abhorrent panic when Mark’s howl of a scream filled the empty space and echoed against the walls to create a repeated track of his suffering as Negan pressed the iron to his cheek. People looked away but some stared onward in empathy. What was more frightening than watching the scene unfold, was the smile on my husband's face. It was as if he was perfecting a hobby and was immensely proud of his handiwork as Mark’s flesh followed the iron as it left his skin.

I should have turned and found the first exit, found my way home or died trying, but my hands gripped the railing and there was nothing else I could convince myself to look at. Then, like a spotlight sweeping across the perimeter in search for extrinsic reactions, his dark brown eyes halted as soon as he saw my shaken form occupying the otherwise empty upper level. All evidence of joy and humor slipped from his posture and I could see it from here; he knew he fucked up.

“Cass,” he called my name and I took off in the direction that I came. “Cass! Fuck!” A metallic echo of the iron clattering to the concrete floor proceeded his harsh stride. I felt trapped in my own body and didn’t know where to go. I knew that no matter where I went, he would be able to find me. The least I could do was surround myself with good company.

Before he was able to catch up to me, I hurriedly retraced my steps back to Eugene’s room, where he was still sitting in front of the old television screen, oblivious to the horror unfolding a few rooms away. Either that or he sought shelter in his games so he could at least pretend to be blissfully unaware.

My breathless entrance didn’t phase him. He glanced up at me as I rested my back against the door as if I was barricading it shut from what was lurking on the other side. There was no hiding the shaking of my hands or my thousand yard stare.

“While you were freshening your respiration I was racking my cerebrum for a game that would be appropriate for your novice skill level and found one that I think you might enjoy.”

“Yeah,” I replied out of reflex rather than agreeance, “sounds great, Eugene.”

“Cass! Open the door!” My body shook as a fist pounded against the door. “Cass, please.” My eyes squeezed shut so that I wouldn’t have to cry in front of a lonely man who was trying to enjoy his day.

“Just….just leave me alone.” It was the only thing I could ask of him.

I didn’t have to see him to know he was pinching the bridge of his nose. “Cassie, open the door. Now.”

The portentous rumble of his voice filled Eugene with the same fear that stung at my eyes. He wanted to leave but there was only one way out and I was refusing to grant him access. The door lurched as my husband tried the handle. When he felt the pushback from my weight leaning against it, he sighed.

“Move, Cassie,” he requested sharply. He outweighed me two times over and I knew I would be pushed over like a blade of grass in the wind the second he forced his way through. Once the door creaked open, I stumbled away from it and guarded myself behind the chair that Eugene was on. The feeling was foreign, but I was afraid of the man I married and the last place I wanted to be was trapped in a room with him.

His dark ensemble of leather and stern words made him seem taller and more threatening. He looked to Eugene when he stepped inside, “Get out.”

The only witness I had was gone before I could stop him and my heart stuttered when I heard the tumble of the door being locked.

“Cass, baby, it’s not what it looks like.” The tenderness in his voice wasn’t enough to trick me. He stepped towards me but I recovered the distance between us as I moved away from him.

“Stay away from me,” I never thought I’d hear myself say that to the man I’d been dreaming of every night for months on end. His jaw tensed I could feel his anger ebbing over every empty space in the room until it met my skin with a chilling touch.

“Cassie, I’m not going to hurt you,” he was purposefully cornering me between the kitchenette and a bookcase. His hand was outstretched, ready to catch me as soon I tried to run. “Baby, come on.”

I took what little chance I had and skirted around his frame but he grabbed me by the loose fabric of my shirt and drug me back to him. “Let me go!” I cried, my feet skating across the carpet. “Get off me, you sick fuck!”

The patience he had for my hands ruthlessly beating at him was short lived. He was able to cuff both of my wrists in one hand and use my momentum to pin me against the wall. Trying to breathe with him on top of me was next to impossible. There was a fire raging in my lungs and crawling up my throat. The heat burned hotter than any flame and I knew it was fear that was searing every inch of my skin and leaving my veins deprived of blood.

Tears were wetting my cheeks but I refused to look at him. “Why are you crying, darling? I’m not gonna hurt you.” the man who spoke to me wasn’t my husband. I dared to open my eyes to find him looking down at me, eyes wandering my vulnerability like a forsaken bad habit that had come to lure him back to the dark gratification that he tried to conceal from me.

“Please, let me go, I wanna go home, I don’t wanna be here.” I whimpered. My heart and mind were tearing away at each other and breaking me down until there was nothing left.

“You don’t have to be afraid of me, baby,” he smoothed the tousled flyaways on my head and pressed his thumb against my cheekbone. “I’m sorry I scared you,” he tightened his grip on my wrists when I jerked away from his touch. “Just let me explain.”

“I don’t wanna fucking hear it, I’m leaving!” His temper snapped at my distraught, divorced decision and he pulled my body away from the wall only to slam me back against it. Every inch of my spine throbbed from the impact but it couldn’t hold a candle to the feeling of my soul being put through the excruciating tribulations of discovering the side of him that had been buried so deep it was never meant to see the light of day.

“You are not fucking leaving,” he growled, “I spent three fucking years looking for you and I’ll be damned if I let you step five feet outside that front gate. You wanna hate me for the rest of your life, go ahead, but just know that everything I do is to keep you alive.” The blood under my skin was pooling beneath his fingertips and every pulse in my vein contributed to the bruise that he would leave on my wrists.

“I didn’t ask you,” I inhaled sharply and salty tears dripped into my mouth, “to kill anyone for me.” What he did was beyond a simple homicidal action. It was torture. It was sadistic, twisted and psychopathic.

“Of course you didn’t, you’re my perfect fucking angel,” he cooed with a tune that was feathered in darkness, “everything I’ve done, all the awful, horrific shit, kept me alive so that I could keep you safe when I found you.” He had a perpetually smooth way of talking. It was always with a smile, a smile that could make any word out of his cunning mouth achingly pleasant, like a calescent shower or a shot of 120 proof bourbon. “Now,” he didn’t wait for my crying to subside before he continued, “you can walk every square inch of this building and memorize what every single god damn tree looks like from inside the fence, but you are _not_ leaving, not unless you’re with me, you understand?” Paralyzed, I nodded. His sigh concluded his lecture. “I’ll leave you alone, just come to bed tonight.” he kissed my cheek, released my hands back to me and did just that; left me alone without another word.

I gasped for air and my legs gave out from beneath me. Weakly, I collapsed under the weight of my grief and pulled my knees to my chest and cried; cried for the man I used to love and cried for the man he’d become.

Does he love his wife? Is he a psycho killer who can't change? Who knows! Is he hot as fuck? You betcha!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so I know last chapter I said Rick was going to be in this chapter, but I lied and its the next chapter he's going to reappear, I promise. This chapter just took a little longer than I anticipated and I wanted to give more thought into the whole Rick part before I threw him back into the mix. 
> 
> Anywho, thank you again SO much for all who ever glance at this, ya'll know I appreciate it. 
> 
> And also, I started a new story (that's a Negan/ofc because I just can't seem to stop myself) so if you're interested, go to my profile and check it out :)
> 
> Have a lovely, fantastic, stress free day all!


	14. Sedation of a God (Part One)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loving you is hard, being here is harder.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I come to you, with my head held low in shame, and with hopes that I can be forgiven for my absence and presentation of this short ass chapter. (Like, I'm talking short) But, I have been crazy busy with work and school (oh, and my fucking hedgehog went up and died on me, so that was fucking upsetting) and I will be studying for finals all this week so I won't have time to write until Spring Break (yay) so I figured I would come out with a short, placating, part 1 now, and then come out with part 2 during spring break!
> 
> So, yeah, enjoy your two minutes of reading.

Every tick of the thin, red hand on the clock in the desolate hallway made me jump. To my troubled mind, it was as loud as a gunshot and hit me like a galvanizing shock to my drugged system, waking me up from an overdrawn nightmare. The past few days had been agonizing and a strange part of me wished I hadn’t been found in the woods by Simon and his men. I would have preferred a slow, eternal death compared to the mess I was in now. 

He was a detrimental magnet that I tried to stay away from as much as I could. I’d spend all day roaming around the Sanctuary by myself or following in Eugene’s solitary footsteps. At night, I would make the mistake of going to sleep on the opposite side of the bed, only to wake up with my head on his chest and his arms locked around me. I knew I needed to leave, but I didn’t know how. 

We hardly spoke, and I knew it irritated him, but he took what one-word conversations that he could and left it at that. I’d spoken more with Eugene than anyone, trying to figure out a way to leave without anyone noticing. However, the longer I stayed here, the more I came to realize just how difficult that would be. 

You'd think he was constantly living on the edge of an attack with how he kept the place guarded. There were walkers chained to fences and poles in the front, men with guns along the railings of the buildings and unbeknownst to me, he somehow knew how I'd spent my day even if I kept the details to myself. 

Over the past few days, I'd had every request fulfilled by anyone under my husband's watchful eye: Laura had given me a bag big enough to fit some clothes and supplies in, Simon enthusiastically gifted me with a new knife, some guy named Gavin showed me on a map where the hell I was in regards to where I wanted to be, and Eugene innocently informed me on the daily routines of the building. 

 Now, all I needed was help from Dr. Carson.

I had been waiting for an hour or so in the cold hallway outside of his office. My eyes inadvertently flickered to the clock every time it ticked. I was afraid that Negan would round the corner and wonder what I was doing. I could lie, but he would know; we had spent far too much time together for him not to notice. 

Footsteps, light, and quiet, not my husband's, approached and I steeled my final request.

“Dr. Carson,” I greeted as the old, rail of a man made his way to his office. He looked up, startled, from his paperwork and forced a smile. He was a confusing individual. He seemed to be complacent and comfortably numb with his life but every emotion he offered was feigned. 

“Oh, hello, Cassandra,” he replied, his steps slowing to a halt. “Everything alright?”

I loathed being called by my full name but I ignored it and nodded, “Yeah, I'm alright, I was just wondering if you had anything to help me sleep at night? I think I'm still a bit overwhelmed to get any sleep.”

“Understandably so, you've had quite the shock,” he let out a retired sigh, “come in, I'm sure I've got something.”

“Thanks,” I smiled as he held the door to his office open for me. 

“So, tell me, how have you been liking it here?” he made casual conversation with me over the noise of him shuffling through the medicine cabinet. I hadn’t been in here since I woke up to a side of the new world I didn’t know existed.

“It’s different, very...organized,” I pulled at my fingers and waited by the door, far from wanting small talk. 

Carson chuckled, “Yes, your husband’s a very smart man. He’s saved a lot of people with this place.” he paused. “I must admit, I was surprised to find out he was married.” He pulled a bottle off the shelf to take a closer look at it. 

“Oh, yeah?” 

“I just never pictured him having a soft side,” he shrugged innocently, “ah, here we go.” He handed me a small container. “Triazolam, it’s the only one I have but it should do the trick. It’s very strong so I wouldn’t recommend taking more than one and don’t take it with alcohol.” 

I only dropped a couple pills in my hand before handing the glass back to him. “Thanks, Dr. Carson, I appreciate it.” 

“Of course,” he looked me over as if he was briefly examining my mental state. Sure, I was showing signs of stress and agitation, but I was ready to blame it on my false issue of insomnia. “Well, I hope they help, and in a few more days I can take your stitches out.”

I smiled briefly, too focused on leaving to acknowledge my future medical needs, “Sounds great, I’ll see you then.” 

 

There was only one light on in the room, just bright enough to see a few feet in front of you. I sat idly in his opulent leather chair and waited for him to come back from his day. It was 8 or 9 at night, late enough for the stars to be out and for people to be few and far between. 

The door cracked open and my heart lurched. His tired sigh preceded him but the memorable sight of him coming home after a long day sparked a smile on my face; then it twisted my heart with a hot knife.

“Hey,” softly, I welcomed him in. 

His lips pursed in surprise, “Hey, Cas, I thought you'd be in bed.” he closed the door and stripped his jacket. “You feeling alright?” he wondered, walking over to somewhat jokingly press his hand over my forehead. 

“Yeah, I'm fine, I just thought we could talk.” I looked up at him, keeping my voice quiet so it wouldn't break. 

“‘'Course, baby, what's on your mind?” his smile reached his amber eyes. Undoubtedly, he was happy I was talking to him. 

“Um, you wanna drink?” I stood up when he sat down. 

“I'd love one, baby, thanks,” he closed his eyes and rubbed his hand over his temple, the dark band of his wedding ring catching the light. He loved a glass of scotch at the end of his work week and he had maintained his indulgence with a stocked liquor cabinet in his room. 

“How was your day?” I asked, my back to him as I poured a glass for each of us. 

He groaned in annoyance, “Same shit, different day. I swear dealing with these people is worse than getting a fat kid to run a mile.” I muffled a laugh and handed him his share. He took it from me and wrapped his fingers around my hand. “I’m just happy as hell that I get to see that beautiful smile of yours everyday now.” I opened my mouth to speak and he let my hand go. “I know,” he breathed, “I know we got shit to work on.” 

“That’s what I wanted to talk about,” composedly, I settled into the couch opposite of him.

He took a sip, his perfidious smile peeking over the glass, “Don’t tell me you’re giving me divorce papers.” 

I swirled the liquid and rolled my eyes, “No, I wanted to apologize for how I reacted the other day.” His smile faltered in the slightest. “I know you got a system, and you know what you're doing, and I know that the world isn't how it used to be, so I'm sorry if I made you feel that I don't trust you because I know you'd never hurt me.” 

He leaned forward, the tattoos on his arm showing from under his shirt. “Cas, you don't have to apologize,” his glass was empty when he set it on the coffee table between us, “I'm sorry I keep fucking up. I never wanted you to see that shit and I would never hurt you. I'd die before I hurt you.”

He took a deep breath to collect himself, “Cas, I-I wanna start over and make things right, but you,” he paused again, longer this time, “you gotta-shit,” his hand reached blindly out to the table, “Cas, what was in that?” Somehow, he stood up, but his tall frame was unstable. “Cas, Cas what the fuck did you do to me?

I flinched as he crashed to the ground in front of me. If it wasn’t for the rise and fall of his chest, I would have thought I’d gone too far, but it was just enough, just enough for me to leave. 

 

Gah, he makes me want to die, but in a really fulfilling, peaceful way, ya feel me?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise the second part will be much longer and better and blah, blah, blah empty promises.
> 
> But, I swear on the grave of my hedgehog, I will get the next part out before the end of the month!


	15. Sedation of a God (Part Two)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The beauty of this mess is that it brings me close to you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***I posted this earlier today but the site was having issues so I deleted it and reposted it to see if it would help***
> 
> Okay, so I'm a few days late, but I did it and I only deleted everything in anger a few times. I hope those of you who had a spring break had a good one. Personally, I watched Supernatural for 20 something hours and I loved every damn minute of it. 
> 
> Anyway...I have mixed feelings about this chapter because, for me, it was sort of a filler chapter. I am really excited about the next one though because shit's finally gonna start hitting the fan, which is what I have been waiting for this entire time. That being said, I hope you enjoy!

The chain link rattled viciously back at me as I tossed my bag over and threaded my shaking fingers through the small, uniform openings. I pulled myself up enough to wedge the toe of my shoe into the metal and started to climb. The steel felt like it was digging into my bones and, fleetingly, I wondered how I was able to do this so often as a kid. I swung my leg over the top and endured the gripping pain for a few more moments before I dropped to my feet.

I pressed the tips of my fingers to the fence to quiet its metallic echo. The sudden silence was deafening. The wind laced through the distant trees and carried the halcyon sound of rustling leaves to me before bleeding into faded, perpetual moans from the front gates. Shivering under the thin, light green jacket I had swiped, I bent down to grab my bag and dig through the contents until my fingers found the knife and a flashlight.

It wasn’t until I was blundering with the weapon in my hands and trying to figure out the best way to hold it when I realized that I was nothing more than an abandoned fawn lost in the woods, surrounded by wolves. In the sliver of crisp moonlight, my chest tightened, my fingers grew cold and what little I could see became blurred with panicked, heated distress.

What the hell was I doing?

I just drugged my husband for the sole purpose of getting away from him. I willingly and heedlessly was about to walk through what could be my valley of death with nothing but a knife, a light, a map, and no one. I didn’t know how to protect myself. I didn’t know how to kill anyone or anything. I didn’t even know how I was going to get home.

All I knew was that I couldn’t go back.

I stopped myself from spiraling out of control, took a deep breath, and struggled to solidify the picture in my head of Rick showing me how to hold a knife in case I needed to use it. Instead, I remembered the youthful, proud smirk he flaunted that made me bite my lip and breathe a laugh when he placated my fruitless attempts with a drawled, ‘you’re getting the hang of it’. That was only a little over a week ago, up in the guardpost, when the only thing I was afraid of was losing him.

That thought still serrated my wellbeing and was gasoline to my raging wildfire of impetuosity. I needed him in my life. He’d become my sense of balance in a world where instability was my only constant. I was drawn to his undiluted austerity only because his darkness turned to burnished endearment when his hand touched mine. Whatever was between us wasn’t love; it was refuge, hope, or maybe just exhilarating gratification, but I wasn’t willing to let it go.

I had to keep going, even if it killed me.

Long, bristled fingers scraped at my cheeks and tugged at my jacket as I pushed through the trees and brush. I could feel twigs and leaves nesting in the thick of my hair, but my hands were too busy holding a knife and flashlight to pick them out. My jaw ached from how hard I had been grinding my teeth together to keep them from chattering in the cold. For the past hour, I’d been playing a dangerous game between keeping quiet and moving quickly. Strangely enough, I hadn’t run into any trouble, save for my own shadow.

While my feet went in one direction, my mind went another. I didn't know what I was going to tell Rick or my parents when I made it home.

If I make it home, I reminded my hopes dourly.

No matter which way I spun the truth, it wouldn't weave a pleasant tapestry. If Rick found out I'd found my husband, after wordlessly igniting something between us, he would wonder why I ran and I still didn't know how to explain who the man I had vowed my life to had become. If my parents knew, the tension among us would become destructive and there didn't seem to be any more room left in my troubled mind for dealing with rocky relationships.

As I used what little imagination I had to craft a somewhat plausible tale, I heard the ominous snapping of a single branch. My spine stiffened faster than a bullet leaving a gun. Though I had thoroughly played through a multitude of life threatening scenarios in my head, I knew my imagination would be of little help.

I clicked my light off and turned my back to whatever was in front of me. My eyes strained to see anything through the woods, and all I saw was the breath leaving my parted lips. Swallowing my raging heart back where it belonged, I forced myself to keep going. If it was a walker, there'd be a chance of me getting through unscathed, but if it was a person, or one of Negan's men, then I'd already lost. Either way, I wasn’t going to get where I needed by becoming cemented in my apprehensions.

A strained sigh forced my shoulders to relax but the tension only traveled to the hand that was gripping the knife. The instincts I had become quickly reliant upon were telling me that something, or someone, was watching me. Every step felt like a mistake, like I was walking blindly into a trap.

When the rustling of leaves and branches became too loud to blame on the wind, I fled to hide behind the nearest tree. Once I was out of sight, the footsteps braved an appearance and they were too steady and cautious to belong to a dead man. That feeling of dread that I was becoming all too familiar with washed over me in a way that almost made me nauseous.

A dark figure loomed quietly behind me, silent as a ghost. Something, some inane naive part of me, told me to swing my knife, that if I didn’t kill them first, they’d kill me.

My reflexes were quick, but the man who stepped into my field of view was faster. By the time I cut the blade through the distance between us, he stepped back quick enough to escape with a slice to the arm.

“Shit! What the hell!?”

I knew that voice. I didn’t hear it often, but it was oddly distinct and southern, like sandpaper on a polished wood table.

“Daryl?!” I kept my voice to a whisper, despite my shock.

“Who the hell’s askin’?” he snapped back, grunting at the pain of an exposed wound.

“What happened? You okay?” another voice, dripping with perpetually genuine concern pervaded my forest of tranquil mistakes.

“Aaron?”

“Cassie?” Aaron found me still hiding behind the old, overgrown tree. “Oh, my God, thank God you’re alright.” Without warning, he pulled me into a hug.

“What are you two doing out here?” I was in too much of a daze to reciprocate the gesture.

He took a step back, “Daryl and I left Alexandria a few days ago to see if we could find any more people to bring back.” he turned his own flashlight on, it was smaller and more discreet than my own and pointed it to Daryl’s arm. A bright sheen of crimson dripping through his fingers and down his skin made me wince.

“Daryl, I’m so sorry, I thought you were-” I stopped myself from saying too much, “someone else.” When Rick and his people first arrived to Alexandria, Rick himself had intimidated me but he was quick to prove me wrong with his soft smiles and quiet, intermittent laughs. Daryl, on the other hand, still had me worried that if I got on his bad side, he would make me regret it.

“Don’t worry ‘bout it, ‘had worse,” he kept his words to the bare minimum, which wasn’t enough for me to tell if he was angry or not.

“Cassie, what happened to you? Where were you?” Aaron budded back in. I gnawed my agitation out on the inside of my cheek until I was stopped by the taste of iron wine filling my mouth.

“It’s a long story, Aaron, and I’d rather tell it on the way home than standing here in the middle of the woods.” I dodged the bullet for the time being.

“Right, of course, the car's not far from here and we're a couple hours drive from home.” he rested a comforting hand on my shoulder but it wasn't anywhere near enough solace to bring me even a modicum of peace. The fact remained that my husband would eventually wake up to find me gone and I knew he wouldn't let me slip through his fingers so easily; not this time.

I only hoped that he wouldn't be able to find me.

My eyes remained locked on the swinging pendulum of a sun-washed air freshener hanging from the rearview mirror for the whole drive. The thought of staring out the window filled me with an inexplicable sense of dread and my mind was too busy lying to myself to tell the truth to the people in the front seat. At last, when we pulled up to gates, it was hard to believe that anyone was alive in there. It was as dark as a moonless night and quieter than a graveyard. It didn’t look like the same place that I left, the place that I had forced myself to call home.

Blinded by the flashing of the headlights against the metal gate, I skirted my gaze to my lap and heard the squealing wheel of the gate being pushed aside so that Aaron could drive the car in. I wondered who was out watching the gate this late as no one ever seemed to watch it past ten. Maybe after everything happened, my mom finally deemed it necessary to keep it guarded against the inevitable more often than not. He pulled the car in to park alongside the fence and turned the engine off. It wasn’t until I heard the sound of the gate being locked when I felt safe enough to take a deep breath of air.

Daryl left without speaking so much as a single coherent word to us and I assumed he was heading off to take care of the gash I left on his arm. Aaron turned in his seat to face me and I appreciated his unyielding warmth.

“You okay?”

“Yeah, ‘m’just a little tired,” I supplied with the understatement of the century. “Thanks, for...everything.”

“Of course, Cassie, you’re family, I’m just glad you’re safe.” With that, he gave me one last smile and got out of the car. Too tired to care, I left what little belongings I brought with me in the backseat and followed after him.

“What are you two doing back so soon? Something happen?” his voice hit me as soon as I slammed my door shut and I stopped dead in my tracks when I saw him.

The ambient light was faint, but it was enough for my mind to be playing tricks on me. His beard was back, staggering between managed scruff and restless capitulation, his worn boots were hidden under dark, black jeans, held to his waist with a thick leather belt and a revolver dangling from his hip. His white tee was one that I had grown accustomed to in the last week and for a moment, he was the spitting image of what I thought I was running away from. My brows were knitted in confusion until I heard my name being called.

“Cassie?!” the roughened drawl of his call made me smile.

“Hey,” relief drowned out whatever comical greeting I was attempting. Before I knew it, his arms were around me, unforgivingly tight around my bruised rib cage, one hand digging into my side, his other brushing through the back of my hair and tucking my head into the crook of his neck. His beard scratched against my flushed cheeks, but the sensation only made me feel safer. I closed my eyes to the prickling tears and managed to pull myself closer to him. I heard Aaron say something about finding my parents, but it was drowned out by the strong, steady rhythm of Rick’s heartbeat telling me I was back home where I belonged.

“C’mere,” he tilted my head back just enough to press his lips to mine. A weak sigh softened my rigid posture but he took the weight of my stress and worry and kept me upright with his arm around my waist. I kissed him back without any consideration for the world around me. Neither of us wanted to part but we did. “I thought I lost you,” he broke away first, his words catching on his staggered breathing. I let my chest and my head play catch up and gave him a shake of my head in reply. “I shoulda been here, I-”

“No, Rick, no, please, this isn’t on you,” I pleaded for him to free himself from a guilt that he didn't deserve.

“I looked for you every day. When I found your brother and all the blood…” he tapered off and let me go as if he didn't want me to sense his stress, “What the hell happened, Cassie? Why did you leave? I told you...I told you to stay here.” There was no mistaking the stern domineering edge that ebbed in and out of his tone, but he kept it under control with a deep, steady breath. “I woulda gone with you if you had waited.”

“I know,” I had learned my lesson and then some, “Spencer wanted to go find Aiden, to bury him, and I just couldn’t let him go alone. I tried to get him to stay but nothing was going to stop him.” Unwillingly, the bloodied midday scene played over in my head. “The guys that killed him, they had W’s carved into their foreheads. It must have been the same group that killed Aiden. These people were sick, it was like they enjoyed killing him.”

“I know, I came across a few of ‘em when I was looking for you.” I gave him a tense stare. “I took care of ‘em, Cassie, and if there’s any more, I’ll do it again.” pointedly, he rested a hand on his gun, the other on his hip. I knew what he meant and it only brought me guilt.

“You shouldn’t have to kill people for me, or my family, that’s not fair to you, Rick.” It was the heaviest weight to rest upon someone’s shoulders. How many people had he killed already? Did he keep track? Had he done it so much that he didn’t even have to think about it?

“I do it to keep my family, to keep, you, safe. That’s just the way it is now. Sometimes people don’t give you a choice.” He pulled me back to his chest and smoothed his hand over my hair, kissing my temple, “No more leaving, okay?” I nodded, more than happy to spend the rest of my days surrounded by these walls. His sigh drew him back so I could walk. “Come on, let’s get you home.”

There was no sense of closure in telling someone how their son had died. There was no clear, censored truth that I could give them to make it sound less gruesome. I felt for my parents. I felt their devastated confusion. It'd barely been a week since they sat in this living room and listened to Nicholas tell them that Aiden was dead. Now, here I was, bearing more bad news.

I'd sat on this couch for years, but now it felt uncomfortable and foreign. Rick sat next to me, across from what was left of my heartbroken family. The tension between them has dissipated as if the onslaught of brutality finally made them see things Rick’s way.

“We're just glad you're alive, Cassie. When Rick went to look for you,” my dad looked to the man of the hour, “and came back empty handed, we feared the worst.” he paused, not wanting to continue, but needing to know. “Were you out there alone this whole time?”

“No,” I wavered, “I...found a small group, they helped me get back on my feet.” It was the slightest pause, a fraction of hesitation, but as soon as the smallest crack in my story showed itself, Rick looked at me with a narrowed gaze. I was unsure if it was the cop or the survivalist in him that caught the fall in my words but all I could hope was that he wouldn't look into it too much. “I’m just sorry I couldn’t stop Spencer.”

My mother, her eyes red and shining in the light, spoke up, “There’s nothing you could’ve said to stop him, Cassie, you know that. You know how stubborn he was, they both were.” I nodded in solemn agreeance. My brothers were hot-headed. Aiden spoke through words and Spencer through actions. They were both reckless when their temper took the wheel and the only place it drove them to was their grave. “Things are gonna change around here. I’m not gonna let anything like this happen again. Rick’s going to help me lead this place in the right direction.”

There wasn’t anything worthwhile for me to say. I was impressed that she had seen the error of her ways but I wished it had taken less than losing two of her own. All I could do was fake a tired smile and nod in aberrant appreciation.

“We should let you get some rest,” my father cleared his throat, signaling that the middle of the night wasn’t the time for the resurrection of the pursuit of happiness. “I’m sure we’ll have plenty of time to talk about this in the morning.” He rose to his feet and prompted me for an embrace. I stood and hugged his thin frame before giving the same attention to the woman who once seemed to strong yet had become so fragile under the weight of her grief. I mumbled something along a, “goodnight,” and, “see you in the morning”, to them and watched my dad trail behind my mother up the stairs, his hand on her back as if he was worried about her falling. When they were gone, I looked down to Rick and he motioned for me to fit into the puzzle piece like space by his side.

I collapsed next to him and pulled my feet up onto the couch so I could rest my head in his lap. “Rick,” I looked up at him, “do you think you could stay here tonight? I don’t really wanna be alone with my thoughts.” Or alone, for that matter. He nodded, a smile of sorts softening his otherwise impassive, contemplative facade. 

“Of course,” his palm rested against my cheek and his thumb traced a repetitive line beneath my eye, “Cassie, are you sure you’re okay? You can tell me if you’re not.”

I nodded a little too quickly, “Yeah, I mean, no, but I will be.” Sighing, I placed my hand on top of his and pulled it over my lips so I could kiss his palm. “Having you here helps,” at that, I nestled further into his lap and felt my eyes close under the warm blanket of silence that seemed to cover the room.

“Well, I’m not going anywhere,” he assured me with a low, husky voice. I wanted to smile, to drink in his heartfelt statement, but there was something scratching at my wall of peace that I was trying to build up in my head. 

It wasn’t a promise anyone could keep, not anymore, not even him.

* * *

 

Oh and okay

So I was rewatching old episodes (as I will do until I die) when i noticed Ricktator's outfit

Kinda looks like

this mother fucker's outfit and I was all, "damn, I got write something about that in this shit story" 

so I did and I felt the need to share it with you lovely individuals who I'm sure are making the world a better place. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah, so peaceful, so loving, so Rick...  
> ...Until next chapter when that moment we've all been waiting for finally happens!


	16. Follow You Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lover come hold me.  
> Could you forget?  
> I've got a secret digging a ditch.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys! I missed you!  
> Thanks, yet again, for your perpetual patience. I spent at least 2 weeks figuring out what I wanted to do for the beginning of the chapter, but I've been looking forward to getting to this place for quite some time so I'm quite excited to be posting it!  
> I feel like, despite it all, Cassie and Rick's romance is starting to pick up (finally) so we shall see what that means for them in the future (hint hint, wink wink, kick you in the shin (I'm not actually hinting at anything in specific so, ya know, let your imagination run wild. (I mean don't get me wrong, I would really love to just slip some Cassie/Rick smut in here but I'm just, what's the word, not good at it))).  
> But, speaking of Rick, I was extremely offended by his audacity to cut my beautiful man Negan's neck. I mean, I was expecting it, thanks for the comics, but still, I screamed like a small child whose favorite toy broke. At least JDM will still be around so I guess life still has meaning. 
> 
> Anywho, read away!

He feathered kisses along my exposed shoulder and my shuddered breath was warm as it passed through my lips when he made his way up my neck until his affection was lost in my mussed hair. He took my shiver as an awaited cue to pull me closer, his arm securing me to his chest beneath the covers of a bed that hadn’t offered comfort until now. 

Somehow, between saying goodnight and his wealth of effervescent concern, we’d stumbled into the guest room downstairs. It was far too easy for me to get lost in the quiet ocean waves of his eyes and before I knew it, I’d become hopelessly devoted to the rush of mesmerizing heat that pumped through my veins when he touched me. My head was a mess and my heart was an indiscernible wreck of debris but kissing him felt like clarity. 

Time had slipped away from me and all I knew was that it was too late for me to regret anything yet too early for me to forget the things I’d done to get here. I stared at the edge of my false serenity, my eyes adjusted to the lack of light just enough to make out the shapes of furniture that sat across the room. I felt his arms shift in the slightest as his fingertips brushed my cheek to turn my face towards him so he could convey his thoughts with a kiss. 

He used his body to move me onto my back and propped himself up on his side by his arm so he could look down at me. I smiled in the dark and scratched my thumb against his unshaven scruff before running my fingers through his hair. This is what I had wanted, what I had been missing. I wanted his rugged southern drawl, his dusky hair that had the tendency to curl at the nape of his neck, the silvery tint in his beard, the scars on his chest, the way his eyes lit up like the morning sky when he was genuinely happy; all of it. 

“I missed you,” he braved the potential minefield of mislead emotions first with coarse, reticent confidence. 

“I was afraid you’d forget about me,” I was wary of speaking louder than a whisper. He shook his head against my hand and pressed his lips to my forehead.

“I like you, Cassie, I wanna see where this goes; try to have a normal life again.” 

I laughed under my breath, not in mockery of his words, but because it sounded too good to be true. “That’s a tall order, Grimes.” 

“Yeah, I know,” his hand moved beneath the blanket and I jumped when I felt his hand on my hip, his thumb burnishing his unspoken captivation over my sensitive skin, “but we could do it.” It was hard not to hang on his word and put my faith in him but I knew that wishful thinking wasn't going to make my problems vanish into the desolate parts of my memories. I was only digging my own grave by not telling him the truth. The fear of losing him to the unforeseeable future kept my lips sealed and made my eyes sting. “Hey, what's wrong?” he whispered keenly, leaning protectively over me.

I sighed a sore smile and let my hand drift back down to his cheek before mindlessly following the valleys of muscles in his arms with the tips of my fingers. “Rick, I…” the truth rang out in my mind as clear as a church bell in a quiet city but still I heard myself say, “I don’t want to lose what we have, whatever it is. I know it’s only been a few weeks but I really do like you.” His eyes watched me while patiently crafting his own reply as I spoke. “It’d been a long time since I smiled before you came along.” It was the earnest truth, just not the one I should have said. I justified my cowardice, however, with the fact that telling him that I’d found my husband while sharing a bed with nothing but body heat between us, was not the most felicitous time. 

I’d tell him, but not tonight.

“We’re not going to, we don’t have to,” he slipped his arm under my back and I rested comfortably on his support, “and things don’t have to be like they were before.”

“We get to start over,” I echoed his words back to him from when he had been wrapping my hand on his bathroom counter when he gave me the key to lock my past up and put it behind me; if only it had stayed there.

“Both of us,” he found the sole frustrated tear on my cheek and seemed to take every pang and throe I was harboring upon himself with the brush of his thumb, “together.” There was something ethereal about the way he acted when we were alone. He was no longer the cop, the leader. The epitome of responsibility and discipline melted into a man who threw away his inhibitions just to feel something pure and peaceful. 

He placed a warm kiss on my temple before resting his forehead against mine. I looked up at him, suddenly feeling overwhelmed with a fevered, wholesome joy yet intimidated by everything that he was. The comfort of a quiet kiss, the heated anxiety from the imperceptible distance, and the pleasant, fluttering nervousness of a touch that never seemed to fade was what I had been missing from before the world stopped. There was only one other person that could replicate that feeling, but now, I wasn’t sure if I’d ever share it with him again. 

With the slightest tilt of his head, my lips were willingly captured between his and I didn’t have to think twice about pulling him against me. We both shared a faint sigh of deliverance when he explored the heat of my mouth as he shifted himself back above me. I had to bite my tongue when his fervent lips found my neck and his beard tickled at my skin. The sensation made me laugh with innocence.

“Sorry,” the hint of a genuine apology was smothered by his own lighthearted laugh, “I need to shave.” At that, he propped himself back up and ran his hand over his cheek to survey the damage done by a few days without a razor. I bit down on my smile and shadowed his movement.

“I kinda like it,” I admitted. 

“Oh, yeah?” His sunny banter was as sweet and addictive as warm honey. 

“Yeah,” I mused, letting my hand comb through his hair with ease, “it’s very rustic-cowboy.”

“A cowboy? That what you think of me?” His voice flucuated to make room for feigned incredulity. 

“A little,” my smile bubbled through what had been a somber night. 

“What kinda cowboys you been reading about?” he chuckled quietly.

I pressed my hand over his chest and could feel his heart beating. “The sweet, handsome, southern ones.” I was being cheeky but he more than able to take it in stride. Even in the dark, I could see his grin meet the undying vibrancy in his eyes; a sense of security in the unknown. 

He sighed and pecked my lips once more before rolling back onto his side. “Mmm, not a lot of those left.” Sleepily, he wrapped the strength of his arm around me. I nestled into the curves of his embrace as if his body heat was the only thing keeping the brisk chill of reality at bay. “This is good,” he breathed with content, “this is starting over.” 

* * *

He’d been hungover before, sure, but the throbbing bruise making a cacophony of wincing pain wasn’t from a couple shots of liquor. 

He rolled over onto his back and groaned as the morning light was the only thing there to greet him. His hand covered his eyes for a moment until they adjusted. “Fucking son of...god fucking dammit.” His voice was grating from a dry, sore throat and a bruised lip. He wanted to call her name in hopes that his recollection of last night was a poorly jumbled memory but he knew damn well that the only thing that would answer was a splitting headache. 

The weight of realization wasn’t enough to keep him pinned to the unforgiving ground that he’d fallen on. After giving a cold, dark, stare at the ceiling, he pushed himself up into a sitting position. 

His aching sigh was his only company, “Goddammit, baby,” for the first time, he cursed her name, her delicate nature, her innocence, the soft smile she gave him when he walked in the room, the clouds of conflict in summer sky eyes that refused to clear no matter what he said or did. The empty crystal glass on the table in front of him reflected the light of the sun and he was suddenly met with a sense of betrayal that made his lips twitch in a wry smile. 

He wanted to be mad at her, damn it all to hell did he want to. She’d drugged him and ran off with nothing but a full, wasted glass of scotch to prove she was there. No letter saying why she left or where she was planning on trying to forget about him or her wedding ring lying on the table in some sappy symbolic goodbye; not that he would expect her to do any of those things, that wasn’t her, that wasn’t something his baby would do.

But he couldn’t be mad at her. He knew why she’d left. He knew why she was on the verge of tears every time her eyes met his like she was looking at a shell of the man she married. She was broken-hearted and every time he tried to piece her back together he would somehow manage to cut her with her own briery grief. It wasn’t that he was planning on keeping everything a secret from her, but filling her head with beautiful lies that he was still the same person seemed a hell of a lot easier than laying his cards on the table and telling her how many people he’d killed and the things that made the darkest parts of him smile. 

He hauled himself up onto unstable feet, stumbling a bit and needing to grab onto the back of the chair he’d been sitting in last night as the blood rushed to his head. “Fuck,” it was the only word on his lips and it somehow summarized all the thoughts racing through his mind. 

He couldn’t just let her go. She was scared. She wasn’t thinking straight. He could make her understand. He could make it up to her. He just needed her to listen. Things could go back to the way they were. They could start over. 

No, he was gonna find her.

And he knew exactly where she’d be. 

* * *

I’d hoped the morning sun would be able to chase away the ice that had settled in my veins and was slowly taking my body over with every breath, beat of my heart and tick of the clock. There were times in my life when I’d woken up in the morning to find my worries and fears from the night before had run away with dreams that I’d never remember, but this morning wasn’t one of those times. 

I had felt sick since the moment I woke up, fraught with an emotional imbalance that was dead set on ruining what was left of my common sense. I tried to distract myself with the menial task of hanging wet clothes on the clothesline outside. It wasn’t enough to keep my mind busy, though. It was too quiet and I was deafened by what could happen between now and when I laid my head down to go to sleep tonight. 

As crass as he could be, my husband wasn’t easy to deceive or dissuade. I knew, deep down, that it wasn’t a matter of  _ if _ he would find me, but  _ when _ . He’d be calm, collected and cocky with eyes as dark as the smolder of fire that just brought the world to its knees. There’d be no explaining to him why I’d left because he would already know. 

I could feel it in my bones; he was out there and I was trapped in these walls with nowhere else to run to.

“Good morning,” a rough voice and two arms wrapped around my waist and I jumped in his grasp and yelped. 

“You scared the shit out of me,” I exhaled sharply, my nerves shot as I tried to shake out a laugh. 

“Sorry,” Rick kissed below my ear, “thought you heard me.” I smiled despite the fact that, for a moment, I thought my fears had materialized. “What are you doing out here? You should be resting, not doing laundry.” 

He turned me around in his embrace until I was facing him. “I can’t just sit around all day. I figured laundry was a boring enough task to keep me out of trouble.” Realizing I hadn’t seen him in the light of day since I’d left, I took a few extra seconds to notice how he rolled up the sleeves on his grey button up, a few of the buttons undone to reveal the bare chest I had rested my head on a few hours ago. He had his gun, his hatchet, and his belt to hold it all; far too overdressed to help me with hanging bed sheets and towels. “You going out, cowboy?” I surmised.

He knew why I had asked and gently shook his head with a chuckle, “No, I told you I’m not going anywhere.” he smiled and pressed his hand to my cheek in a way that made him seem proud. “This is just in case anything happens.” 

_ I need to tell him.  _

He continued on before I could damper his morning with less than pleasant news. “I’m sorry I left so early this morning. Carl had been taking care of Judith for a while and I wanted to check on them. I was gonna wake you up but I figured you needed the rest.” 

“Oh, no, it’s fine, I just appreciate you staying the night and everything.” We both were skirting around the blatant meaning of our words. He was more successful than I, what with my pink cheeks and shy downward glances. 

“Maybe  _ you _ can stay the night tonight?” The sky was no match for the bright blue hue in his eyes when he looked down at me.

“Yeah?”

“I meant what I said last night, Cassie,” the grip of his gun dug into my side as he pulled me close for a kiss. It would’ve been easier to give into the amenity of his increasingly forward displays of affection than to speak the ever burning truth that was scaring my conscience but I couldn’t spend another night with him and the burden of a secret between us. 

I had to stop my hand from going any further than his chest, where I rested my palm, “Rick,” I spoke his name to the space between our lips. 

In the distance, the shattering of glass resounded through Alexandria and drew his attention away from me in a sharp change of posture. 

“What was that?” It almost sounded like someone throwing a jar against the walls. It could have been any number of things but the innocuous possibilities were quelled by the more daunting ones. 

“I’m sure it’s nothing,” he assuaged the fears he knew were there, “I’ll go check it out. Stay here,” he pecked my cheek and squeezed my arm before turning away and left me suffocating on what was left unsaid. 

“Rick, wait!” 

“I’ll be right back, I promise,” he called back to me as he walked towards the  source. A terse breath of frustration scratched at my throat and I wanted to chase after him but the last time I went against his word, I nearly died. 

I mumbled comforting nonsense to myself and tried to focus on hanging up the last few pieces of laundry. With every minute that passed without Rick’s return, I only grew more paranoid. When I reached the bottom of the laundry basket, I was torn between waiting for him and looking for him. 

Going against his word, yet again, I abandoned the billowing bed sheets and plaid shirts that twisted my stomach into knots and started making my way to the center of the community. Through the trees of the backyard, I saw someone run down the road, followed by a pair of dark-clothed shadows. As soon as I narrowed my gaze and took a few steps forward, I heard the shrill scream of a woman that was cut off with hollow abruptness. 

I ran up to the fence that guarded the yard to see one of the middle-aged women from a couple houses down getting carelessly hacked with a machete by a heavy-set man with dirt and blood smeared across his face.

“Jesus fucking Christ,” I covered my mouth in horror and stumbled backward when the man looked up from the mess he created and for his next victim. Before he could see me, I took off running towards the house. I couldn’t stay out here alone and defenseless and the house would offer a place to hide at the least. 

When I reached the back door, I opened it as quietly as my shaking hands would allow. I stepped inside and closed it behind me, trying to hear if there was anyone in the house. I thought I heard someone pacing in the living room but it was quickly muffled by the sound of a loud rumbling of a truck outside the gate. I hoped that it wasn’t more people coming, but I was quickly learning that hoping and praying wasn’t worth much these days because as much as I was wishing for Rick to come find me, I knew I was on my own. 

“Mom? Dad?” I put enough voice in my whisper to make it audible from a distance. I waited for a few heartbeats for a reply but nothing came. Regardless of who, or what might have been inside these walls with me, I needed a gun or a knife. 

On light feet, I inched towards the kitchen. Light from the open windows flooded the room and made it seem far too calm and welcoming. I began to search the drawers for a knife that was sharp enough to use but all I could find were papers, pens, and other forgotten utensils. 

My eyes shot up at the sound of a creaking floorboard but there was no one to see. With a deep breath, I returned to my search but was grabbed by the hair at the nape of my neck and was thrown against the cupboard by a woman draped in dirty clothes and a “W” painted on her forehead. 

I braced myself against the counter and kicked her feet out from under her when she lunged towards me and gave myself enough time to escape the kitchen and make a break for the front door on the other side of the house. I could hear her chasing after me like a wolf after a deer but I was able to slam the door on her before she could catch me. 

My throat was dry, unlike the streets that laid in front of me. There were rivers of blood making their way into the storm drains and bodies littered the streets, some without arms or legs. It was as if I’d walked through gates of hell, the garden of Eden nothing but a fond memory. 

The doorknob rattled behind me and I didn’t know what to do besides run. Gunshots were coming from all around me and I didn’t know who was shooting. The screaming continued and my frantic heartbeat wasn’t making it any easier to make a decision. 

That’s when the man from the street, whom I’d spotted from the safety of my backyard, saw me; vulnerable and lost. 

He started making a beeline for me and I ran down the length of the porch and hopped over the railing to stay as far out of his grasp as I could. My feet struggled to get me upright when I landed and I had to crawl for a few steps before I could stand up and run again. 

One minute I was pushing through to my freedom and the next I was crashing into the ground. He had closed the distance between us and tackled me to the asphalt. My head bounced against the road and it filled my world with white noise. He rolled me onto my back and pinned me down with the weight of his body. My hands flew out to stop his knife and he grunted in frustration. 

“Get the fuck off me!” I screamed at him, tears washing away the blood on my cheeks. My arms were shaking from holding his knife away from my throat and the exposed skin on my back was getting torn apart by the cement below. Desperately, I pooled together what was left of my strength and overcame the gravity of his desire to kill me and pushed his hands away. Wrought by impatience, he recovered and turned the knife so that the tip could be plunged into my chest. 

His blade was kicked out of his hand as it careened towards me and the man stood up to face whoever had intervened. I took the opportunity to scramble back from the scene with my hands and feet. 

My savior grabbed the man by his collar, his grip like a vice, and pulled out a knife of his own. It gleamed in the morning sun and was twice as menacing as the one that had been held to my throat.

“Don’t touch my wife,” he requested angrily. I could see the tension in his jaw that ultimately drove the knife through the man’s neck, in one side and out the other. I heard myself gasp as he pulled the knife back out and let the man collapse in a pool of his own blood. 

Negan looked down at my shaking form with dark fires of adoration in his eyes and smiled, “Honey, I’m home.” 

He's gotten so buff over the seasons. I just love his hands and his arms and his face and his everything and he should just not wear clothes for season 9. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And HA! You thought you were done with Negan, but I'm not!  
> But now the chaos begins and I couldn't be more excited.
> 
> Thanks for reading! Have a great day/week/weekend/whatever!


	17. Calamity

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Your hands are scarred from murder, yet I trust them completely."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey y'all I am SO sorry this took me so damn long. I had a rough few weeks near the end of this month so it took me a little longer than anticipated to finish.  
> But, if anyone is interested in knowing this, I'll be leaving my shit job at the end of the month so I'll have a little more time to do what I love--write!  
> As usual, thank you all SO SO much for your kind comments and support. I really enjoy writing this story and I know it's far from wonderful but even if it brings amusement to one person, I'm happy. 
> 
>    
> If there's any errors or discontinuity, let me know. I read it over a few times but I'm always bound to miss something. 
> 
> Enjoy!

He shoved the dead weight of a lifeless body off him and wiped the blood from his mouth with his empty hand. The man choked on his pleas for air and mercy as the blood drained out of his body from the gaping wound in his neck. Rick pushed himself off his back and put the soles of his boots on the pavement. He gripped the man’s knife and drove it into his skull to keep him from coming back before tossing it onto the body as a tribute; as a warning.

Crimson heat ran rivers of conviction down his forearms, collecting at the tips of his fingers before it fell as a gentle rain to the ground beneath. It painted his face, stained his shirt, turned his eyes an arctic, icy blue that couldn’t soothe the unforgettable fire in his veins that refused to die out.

He’d been waiting for this to happen.

For people to find their way in.

To try and take what he had.

It had happened like clockwork; the screaming, the bloodshed, the calamity. He was a part of it, he always was. Confrontation wasn’t an issue for him, not anymore. The few men that he’d killed were just added to his ever-growing list of old world sins.

Less than thirty minutes had ticked by since he’d left Cassie, calling his name like she knew he wouldn’t come back to her. He knew most of the people living here were weak and naive and they were probably dead because of it. Cassie was different, but she was alone and there was too much blood to spill between where he stood and where she was.

Footsteps ran to him and the sudden shift of his gaze was as sharp as the edge of his hatchet.

“Rick, Rick,” Nicholas, breathless and frenetic as ever, caught his attention in an urgent voice, “it’s him”.

“Who?” His mind was elsewhere.

“The...the guy who killed Aiden.” Nicholas sputtered, his eyes growing wide with alarm when Rick stared at him with malicious blame. “I swear, I didn’t know they followed me, this isn’t my fault!”

“Where is he?” His demand was gruff.

“I, uh, saw him by Deanna’s house.” Nicholas was reluctant to say anything else and left it at that.

“Get inside and if you find anyone who’s alive take them with you and don’t come out until this is done.” Rick only had time to say it once before he took off to Cassie’s house. He prayed to a merciless, callous god that she was okay and that he wouldn’t be digging a grave at the end of the day.

 

He found her at an intersection a short distance from where he'd left her and had told her to stay. She was in one living, breathing, shaken piece, standing there on her feet.

But she wasn't alone.

He could’ve sworn he could hear her heart racing from where he stood. She stared up at a dark clothed man who was tall enough to keep her shadowed from the sun. He had a hand wrapped possessively around her arm, his lips a few inches from hers as they moved around stern words.

The sheer sight of someone being close to her had his rough, heated hand reaching for his gun. His breathing evened out as he planned his next move.

She was his to protect and one more dead body wouldn’t have made a difference.

 

* * *

 

 

The light of humility was eclipsed by his leather-clad frame when he took a few languid steps to place his boots on either side of me; trapping me.

“Baby, baby, baby,” he sang, charmingly vindictive as he slid the blood tarnished knife into the case on his hip. “Now, I _know_ we got issues but slipping me pills and running off in the middle of the goddamn night? C’mon, baby, that ain’t you.”

The neighborhood had fallen eerily silent as if his sheer presence chased away the monsters. He held his hand out to me to help me up but I woefully ignored it, keeping my rigid gaze to the side as my teeth anxiously carved a fearful notch in my lip. I knew I’d dug my own grave and I was about to be buried alive.

“Cass, come on, get off the ground,” he sighed, shaking his hand at me. When I gave him a petulant treatment of silence, I could hear his teeth grinding against one another in frustration.

I heard snarling, but it wasn’t from him. The man he had viciously impaled begin to seize with soulless life and Negan seemed almost annoyed at the dead man’s ill timing. His flat smile twitched in frustration and before I could make a move, he turned and drove the heel of his boot into the man’s head to kill him a second time. Blood splattered over his boot, the pavement, his pants, my shirt...everywhere. He crassly removed his foot from the messy indentation he created and my eyes were wide in disbelief; disbelief that the man I’d shared a bed with for nearly ten years could create such a violent mess without batting an eye.

He gave me one last chance to listen, “Take my hand, Cassie.” his voice was dark and low, nothing that I was used to. I gave him what he wanted and he pulled me onto my feet so fast the blood rushed to my head and made me dizzy. “Look at me, baby.”

Cautiously, I met his eyes.

Seated deep beneath the charcoal chagrin and antagonistic vehemence of what used to be radiant mahogany was ashy dejection and penitence. There wasn’t the slightest symptom of his former jovial self left behind. The man he used to be was in a war of attrition with who he was now and my act of abandonment was the final blow.

His tongue ran across his bottom lip, ready to speak his mind with loud, brutal honesty. I wasn't proud of what I did, but I'd defend my actions without a second thought.

I winced when he squeezed my wrist. “You're hurting me,” I whispered clearly enough to silently ask for him to let me go. It was enough to break him out of his coercive trance and he let me go only to move his fingertips beneath my chin.

“I’m sorry, baby, I didn’t mean to,” he sighed. “Seeing someone almost kill my wife doesn’t exactly put me in the best fucking mood.” Then he frowned, “You running off on me doesn’t help either.”

“Can you blame me?” I pushed his hand away from my face in exasperation. “What the hell was that?!”

Whether he could have his hands on me or not, he left little space between us, “He was gonna fucking kill you!” he snapped back. “You’re welcome, by the way.”

I briefly let my eyes close in response to his impudence. “I appreciate what you did, I do, but your tactics leave a lot to be desired.” I could tell I was only exacerbating his irritated tolerance for my lack of understanding.

His hand covered his mouth as if he was trying to keep himself from saying something he’d regret. “Cass, I get that you’ve been safe and sound in fucking la la land here for the past three years but this is what the world looks like now. It’s bloody, it’s brutal and violent as shit. It’s fucking fucked up out there, baby, what the fuck do you want me to say?”

“I’m not oblivious, Negan, I know it’s no walk in the park out there--”

“I never said you were, Cass, don’t put words in my mouth,” he interrupted.

I shot him a glare, “I know it’s not easy out there but I’ve met people who were out there just as long as you and they’re not burning people’s faces or playing dictator!” I hissed.

“Call me whatever the hell you want, baby, I keep people alive. I’ve done some awful shit to keep myself alive so that I can protect you because that is the only fucking thing I want to do. That’s what I did here today. I showed up with my people and took out every sad, sorry fuck who was tearing this place up.” He had me by the arm again, leaning down to meet my eye, his nose pressed to mine. “What do I have to do to get this through your head? You are the only thing that matters to me and I want to have my wife back.” His fingers dug into my sunburnt skin as his mind fell back into the trodden path of anger. “But I can’t fix things between us if you keep running off. Do you understand? You have to talk to me, Cassie.”

I clenched my teeth to keep them from chattering against one another. “What do you want me to say?”

“Say you’re coming back with me so we can work things out,” he suggested gruffly.

Warily, I told him, “I’m not going back with you, Negan. I can’t. I have a life here.” Or at least what could be.

“The fuck are you talking about, Cass, your life is with me.” The magnitude of his correction had me shaking my head. “What, you think you’re safe here? After what just fucking happened? What I just had to do?”

I didn’t have an answer for him. It was clear by what happened that this place wasn’t immune to those who wanted what we had. Rick could keep me safe, but he couldn’t be with me all the time. I wouldn’t admit to it, but if he hadn’t had shown up when he did, I would’ve been as dead as the man on the ground.

“You know I’m right,” he put his lips to my ear, “I’m the only thing that can keep you safe, baby,” he pulled back just enough to kiss my temple as gently as he could to prove he was still the man I knew, though it didn't give me the devoted feeling that it used to, “because everyone else is afraid of me.”

Then, the barrel of a Python was pressed to the side of his head and cold recognition overtook me. Negan inched back, brows perked in feigned surprise and his mouth pulled into a crooked smile that was anything but cheerful.

“Let her go,” Rick pulled the hammer of his gun back with a bloodied thumb. My eyes willingly wandered over to him to find him doused in someone else's vitality. It was all over his face, clinging to his beard and staining the skin on his neck until it matched the cherry red color of his shirt. His eyes were narrowed, his body tense, his voice a vendetta. He wouldn't hesitate to pull the trigger.

I felt the inexplicable need to reach out to him and ensure he was okay, to wipe the blood, the death, that clung to his lips and to ease his pain the way he’d done for me; but I didn’t. I couldn’t. Not now. I was playing with fire and dripping with gasoline.

“And who the fuck are you to tell me what to do?” Negan conspicuously began to reach for his knife and I had to stop him with the arm that wasn't held in a vice grip.

“Negan, stop!” I demanded shakily.

“You know this guy?” Rick inquired sharply, gun still in the air.

“Of course she fucking knows me, I'm her goddamn husband.” Negan spat and pulled me closer to him. I put my hand on his chest to stop the scene he was trying to create. “Ain't that right, baby?”

“What?” Rick was incredulous, to say the least. He lowered his gun but only to a less fatal point of entry.

“Oh, I know what you're thinking,” Negan smiled, “How does a guy like me get a girl like her?” he chuckled and looked at me. “Boy, I'll tell ya, I'm the luckiest fucking sonnuva bitch to have this perfect angel.” What could have been endearing words were shadowed by ire and I winced when I let his thumb sweep the comingling of dirt and blood off my cheekbone.

Rick could see my discomfort from a mile away. “Did you do this? Your people?”

Negan laughed and tapped my chin before letting Rick’s presence take precedence over his attention for me. “No,” he kept his sigh buoyant, “no, my people are the ones who came in and saved the fucking day.”

I held my breath as they appraised one another. I was dangling precariously over what would be a fulminant reaction if Rick didn’t play his cards right and mistakenly exposed what was transpiring between us. Finally, Negan let his disappointment shine through, “Yet here you are pointing a gun at me.”

Rick tilted his head in a stiff shrug, “You don’t exactly look like the friendly type.”

Aloof, my other half smiled, his tongue running over his lip, “What do I look like, then?”

“Someone who shouldn’t be here,” Rick answered with cutting promptness.

Another chuckle introduced his tenebrous shift in attitude towards Rick. “You're right,” unctuous as he could be, he agreed, “I guess I’ll just be taking her back with me and then be on my merry fucking way.” He gripped my shoulder and turned me away from Rick’s viciously protective eyes and I tried to dig my heels in against Negan’s intentions.

“Cassie’s staying,” Rick wasn't asking, he was making the decision right then and there. “And you and your people are leaving.”

I could feel his entire body stiffen behind mine as Rick continued to provoke him. I wanted to say something to prevent the damage before it happened, but I didn’t know how.

He turned to face Rick and assert himself with domineering vehemence.“You really think you can tell me what to do? With my wife?” He stared at him with a calm violence in his eyes. His chest moved steadily with his breathing and when he opened his mouth to speak, his words were stringent, caustic and fatal. “Who the hell do you think you are?”

Rick didn’t falter or back down and his lip twitched in a snarl. “The guy who decides whether you live or die.”

I watched their exchange from the sidelines with wide eyes. I scarcely recognized either of them. They were no longer two men trying to hold onto their humanity, whose names were tarnished by bloodshed and heinous acts of survival, they were two wolves ready to rip each other’s throats out.

I blinked and caught the piercing sight of Negan swinging his fist into the side of Rick’s head. I gasped as Rick fell to his hands and knees, his gun skittering over the pavement away from him. I lunged forward and placed my body between Rick and my out-of-his-mind husband. He stared at me, confounded by my sudden intrepidity.

“Stop!” I shouted at him before bending down to see if the damage was as bad as it looked. Rick spit the blood from his mouth and I gingerly pressed my hand to the dark bruise that formed beneath his skin. “Oh my God, Rick,” I whispered, feeling the pain that he was ignoring. He looked up at me and gave a glimpse of a nod as his boots scuffed against the pavement and stood up. “Are you okay?”

“I’m okay,” he assured with his hand on my arm, “I’m fine.”

“Cass, if you don’t get your ass in my truck in the next five minutes--”

Rick wiped the fresh blood that dripped from the side of his mouth with the back of his hand. “You wanna tell her or should I?”

I looked from Rick to Negan with apprehensive confusion pulling at my brow. Negan scowled back at Rick, either for his question or for the fact that Rick’s hand was wavering in front of me to keep me from leaving his shielding side. “Tell her what?”

Rick took his shot, “That you’re the one who killed her brother.”

“What?!” I had to have misheard him but the way his words emptied my lungs of air and filled them with shrapnel told me the truth was clear as rain. Negan’s stone wall facade cracked under the sudden pressure and I could see the excuses and the lies piecing themselves back together behind his eyes. He’d been dodging the bullet all this time, only to get hit by a man with perfect aim.

“The fuck are you talking about?” He recovered after a moment’s silence.

Rick scoffed; victoriously, almost, “Nicholas told me.” Pointedly, he revealed his source. “You followed him back, right? That’s how you found Cassie?”

“It was you?” I couldn’t bear to hear myself say it was him. Even through it all, I thought he couldn’t have lost himself; not completely, but if he had killed my brother, he had killed who he was along with him. “I...why would you...after everything…”

He stepped towards me but Rick kept his boots rooted to the ground. “Cass, please, come on.”

“Get out,” I begged in a broken, quiet voice. This week, I’d been torn apart until I was skin and bones and had become numb to the idea of losing the one person I didn’t think I could live without. Rick stumbled out of the way when I forcefully met Negan halfway just to push him back. “Get out!” I put my hands on his chest and shoved him, blinded by the betrayal. “Get! Out!” He held his arms out away from me in surrender. “Just go!” Tears sharpened my tone until it was shrill.

“Cass, baby, come on, you really believe this guy?” he tried to gain control of my outburst but there was not a single word in the world that could’ve made me see the sense in his actions.

“Right now, I don’t believe a single word of your fucking mouth so get the fuck out of here and don’t come back.” I didn’t give him the option of replying as I turned my back to him and started in the other direction. His hand gripped my wrist and I spun around on my heel and balled my hand into a fist and hit him as hard I could against the side of his face. He held his jaw, clearly shocked but not bruised. “Don’t. Touch me,” I ripped myself out of his grasp. “Just go, Negan, I mean it.” I continued on my way, needing to be alone and needing to remove myself from the place where the culmination of my marital problems was unfolding in the most destructive way imaginable.

“Cassie!” his call for me was like thunder across the ever-growing space between. “Cassie! Goddammit, don’t fucking walk away from me!” I flinched with every boom and crack of his harsh tone. It was hard not to react, in any way, but I couldn’t let myself turn back around.

There wasn't anything to turn back to.

 

* * *

 

 

He couldn’t see straight. He was staring down the road but he wasn’t looking at anything. He wanted to turn around and drive back to her and let her have it; every pent-up frustration that he collected and cultivated with alacrity over the years. He wanted to go back to the Sanctuary and blindside the first person to look at him wrong the way with the side of his bat. The air in his lungs was thick, like ash, and his purpose and reasoning burned around him the longer he let himself sit in the fire.   

The tires skidded across the gravel as he pulled off the side of the road. He stared at his hands as they wrapped around the steering wheel until he became irate about the silence that filled the cab of the truck with mocking truths.

“Fuck!” he slammed his hand against the wheel, “mother fucking son of a fucking bitch fucking fucker!” his elusive temper was gone. All he could see was someone else with their hands on her.

And the way that prick _looked_ at her: like he was seeing her for the first time and finding a hundred things to love about her, like he had to protect her from every shadow and dark thought, like he'd touched her bare skin and discovered newfound happiness along with it. He wanted to break his jaw and let him choke on his teeth just to show her that his capacity for violence wasn’t above acting out on petty jealousies. Without her, he was a dead man walking with nothing to lose and nothing to hold him back.

Because Negan knew that look. He knew it well. It was the same one he’d held for her for all these years.

“Fuck me,” he let out a short, grim chuckle, “God damn asshole’s screwing my wife.” he accepted the truth gracelessly, unwillingly, and angrily; but he accepted it.

That sure as fuck didn't mean he was okay with it.

The thought of her waking up with someone other than him on her mind flooded his chest with heat. The fact that she was finding comfort in someone else’s arms was a stab in the back with a dull serrated knife. It spread through him like a virus. It made him sick, made his body ache with self-reproach. Finally, he understood why the light had left her eyes on that morning when his life took a turn for the worst; when he’d told her that he’d mistakenly given a piece of himself to a desperate stranger for a few hours.  

It hit him harder than hearing Aiden say his wife was dead. Part of him would rather her belong to the serenity of death than to someone else.  

He was well aware how possessive and avaricious he was when it came to her, but if he couldn't have her, he couldn't bear the idea of her with anyone else.

She _belonged_ to him.

And if fear drove her away, he’d let fear bring her back to him.

He'd destroy everything she knew until he was the only thing she had left.

 

* * *

 

 

The community was as quiet as ever. I couldn’t even hear the sounds of the leaves rustling in the wind or the chirping of crickets. It was a ghost town and I was the only soul lost enough to be wandering the streets at night.

I'd found myself at rock bottom with a bottle of whiskey and my injurious thoughts in front of the lake where Pete had been killed. It seemed I had become a magnet for destruction and being alone sounded better than having to dig another grave.

“Cassie! I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” Rick splintered my drunken solitude in a harsh call. “Where have you been?” He walked up from behind me until the toe of his battered boots entered my peripheral. I was resting carelessly in the damp grass without any regard for how broken and dejected I must have appeared.

“Here;” I kept my reply short, “drinking.” I took another sip and he sighed and crouched down in front of me. He pushed my hair back and I could see there was still blood under his nails and embedded in the creases of his hand. The flushed, purple hue that formed a crescent moon around his eye and the rush of guilt I felt made it hard to look at him.

“You shouldn’t be out here, Cassie. It’s one in the morning.” His gentle smile was one of concern, not pity.

I shook my head and the motion made me slightly nauseous. “I can’t drink at home because my parents don’t even want to look at me for being married to the guy who killed their son and everyone else wants nothing to do with me because my husband is apparently the local murderer.” Having said it out loud, my tears acted on their own accord and spilled over without my permission. He opened his mouth to comfort me but my drunken mouth was a leaky faucet. “It’s all my fault, Rick.”

“What are you talking about? Cassie, none of this is on you.” He took the bottle from my hands and sloshed around what little amber liquid was left. “How much have you had to drink?”

“Not enough to forget everything,” I shrugged listlessly and circumvented his question. “I lied to you,” I admitted, but he didn’t seem to believe me as the tips of his fingers traced a careful path beneath my eye, collecting my tears along the way. The air stuttered through my lips as I tried to keep myself from falling apart. “When I was out there, I was with him and...I should’ve told you, I just-I didn’t know how. I didn’t want--want to lose you.”

He sighed in acceptance as if he'd been waiting for me to speak up. “Yeah,” he drawled looked down to the ground as he composed himself, “I figured it was something like that.”

“How do you mean?” The words didn’t come out right but he knew what I meant.

“That night when you were telling your parents what happened, you...hesitated.” His vibrant gaze found mine once more. “I guessed you were hiding something but I didn’t wanna ask. I wanted to give you your space.”

For some reason, I smiled. “I bet you were a great cop.”

He smirked and rested himself beside me, his knees bent so his forearms could drape over them. “Look, you shoulda told me,” he agreed affably, “but it wouldn’t’ve made a difference. It wouldn’t have changed the way I feel about you.” He was quiet, too quiet for the world to hear him staking his claim on my dependency. “Now, I don’t wanna put you in something you don’t wanna be in, but if that’s not what you want,” he retraced his thoughts, “if _he’s_ not what you want, I’m all yours, for as long as you want me.”

My eyes never left his as he continued, “I’m not gonna lie to you or hide things from you. I’ve killed _a lot_ of people, Cassie, I don’t even know how many by now, in ways I’m not proud of,” he professed his sins with heart-wrenching honesty and with such gentleness that I almost couldn’t believe him. “I wish I could say I won’t ever have to kill anyone again but I will and I’m never gonna hesitate if it’ll keep my family safe.” I nodded, overwhelmed by his slow, steady breathing taming my sorrow. “But, Cassie, I would _never_ do anything to hurt you in any way, I promise you that.”

The last man who made that promise seemed to have his fingers crossed behind his back. Instead, it was as if he’d hurt me in _every_ way imaginable. Yet, it was hard to find a shred of doubt in Rick’s words.

He moved close enough to taste the hesitance that lingered on my lips. “You don’t have to decide right now, but just know--”

Maybe it was the liquid courage, but I answered without a moment of thought. “I want you, Rick,” I interrupted him and his brows knitted together as he studied me as if he was waiting for me to tack on a preclusion, “just...just you,” I emphasized with a whisper. I couldn’t spend the rest of my life trying to fix something that wasn’t there anymore.

My eternal heartache was a wave that I couldn’t stand up against and I rested my head on his shoulder. I adamantly believed that the man I loved was still there, lost in a world of blood and violence and desperation, but he seemed too content to leave, and admitting that there wasn’t anything left for me to hold onto was nearly as lamentable as him being dead.

Part of me wondered if he wouldn’t have lost who he was if I hadn’t had left. But, even if his effervescent, caring warmth was gone, his blood still ran hot. He’d always had a temper and it was alive and well and keeping him going. “Rick, he’s not gonna let this go,” I mumbled once the silence between us lingered in the air.

“I don’t expect him to,” he seemed so nonchalant about it like we were discussing the weather, and that worried me. “If or when he comes back, I’ll handle it.”

No amount of liquor could give me the same confidence he had. My husband wasn’t just another man using any means necessary to put food in his hands or a roof over his head so he could survive another day. He wasn’t concerned about stealing something that didn’t belong to him. He was hellbent on taking back the only thing he had; the only thing that helped him sleep at night after he’d built his bed on selfish brutality.

“He killed my brother,” it pained me to say it aloud. “He was...torturing people. I don’t know what he’s gonna do. What if he kills someone else? What if he hurts you?” I tried to convey that there wasn't much I wouldn’t put past him.

“Shh, shh, shh,” despite my hysterics, he remained unphased, “Cassie, look at me, I’m not going to let anything happen to you or anyone else.” his first instinct was to pull me close as if I was his mess to own and protect. “I know it’s not gonna be easy but nothing is anymore, and I haven’t come across anything I couldn’t handle.”

I didn’t know what Rick had been through out there, he was never overwhelmed with the urge to divulge what he’d seen, but I knew that what he was diving into was the deepest, darkest part of the ocean. Surely, Negan wouldn’t hurt me, but he wouldn’t think twice about giving that pain to someone else. “Yeah, but Rick, this isn't the same thing. You don't know--” 

“Cassie, it’s late,” not impatiently, he cut me off so he could lend a voice of reason, “you’ve had a little bit to drink and you're overthinking everything,” he couldn’t help but let a smile slip into his reprimanding. “Why don’t you come to bed with me and in the morning, we can figure things out.”

With heavy eyes, I watched him push himself up on his feet. “Are you sure? I’m not exactly the ideal house guest right now.”

He smirked at the thought of one man giving a community the wrong impression of me, “Of course I am.” Without asking, he took a step to my side and bent down to scoop me up into his arms. The ability to argue his opinion was stolen away from me as he started walking back to his house. He looked down and gave me a halcyon smile, “Besides, I sleep better when you’re next to me anyway.”

 

 

 

Ay, it's Mr. Steal Your Girl

 

I'll always love you Andrew Lincoln, even though you're LEAVING ME YOU SO BEAUTIFUL, HEARTLESS, SON OF A BITCH! 

No, it's okay, I'm fine, I only cried when he told the world at Comic-Con that's leaving.

My walking dead life just won't be the same ever again. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First and foremost, I apologize if this chapter was a let down in any way. As I said, I had a rough month so this chapter was hard for me to write but I wanted to get it done so I could get back in the swing of things.
> 
> Anyway...
> 
> Despite the grievous news about Mr. Lincoln leaving, I am looking forward to season 9. The trailer looked great and I think it's got some potential. My secret hope is that Negan sorta takes a bit of a lead because I'll watch JDM do anything, even if all he does it sit in a prison cell. 
> 
> What do you guys think about season 9? Yay? Nay? All hope is lost? 
> 
> Regardless, I can promise you that Rick won't be leaving MY walking dead story so there's that, I guess.


	18. Obsessive Compulsive Destructive

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This time is different.  
> It's not like the time before.  
> I cross my heart, that I won't kill no more.
> 
> But you better bless these wicked hands,  
> 'Cause they got a mind of their own.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah, friends (we're friends, right?) thank you yet again for your effervescent patience and kindness. Every comment and word of encouragement keeps me going and puts a smile on my face. I hope y'all have been well and had a good summer but I can say everyone's support has made my summer wonderful! 
> 
> As far as my rambling updates on life, I finished my degree and snapped and quit my job so I've been living the life of a broke housewife for the past month but fingers crossed that by the next chapter I will have a job!
> 
> Anywho, I hope you guys enjoy this addition. I finally broke through my writer's block and have a stable direction (for now) of where this is going (because I ain't gonna lie, I wing it every time). 
> 
> Carry on, my wayward readers!

There was justification.

And there was brutality. 

The line between them was thick, dark, and rugged but when the line had been washed away, drowned in crimson outrage, he no longer paid attention to the fading horizon of humanity.

He was resolute, he had been since the moment she forced him to turn his back on her. There was nothing left to stop him. God himself couldn’t have steered him clear of the path of destruction he had laid out in his head on the way back to the Sanctuary. He was too lost among his emotional debris to accept the blame for pushing his better half away--and into another man’s arms. 

There was, however, the unfinished business with the person who gave her the chance to recklessly escape his overprotective hold. 

His knuckles rapped against the door. Once, twice, before it opened. 

The doctor stood in the entryway, shrinking into his white coat of medicine when he saw his temerarious leader, tall and rigid with hellfire in his eyes. 

“Oh, hello, sir, is there something I can help you with?” Carson said his lines with dutiful, phobic respect. He had been witness to the consequences of one wrong word or one fleeting mistake. It was the kind of things he couldn’t mend, but, he had learned over time, that he was never meant to fix them. 

“I’m hoping so,” Negan allowed himself in, shouldering past the thin man. Aside from his routine glower, his demeanor was lacking his thick leather jacket and the single black glove he often wore. His white shirt was an ominous palette that made the doctor all the more uneasy. When he shut the door behind him, Carson cleared his throat to create a separation in the silence. 

“Is everything alright? How’s your wife feeling?” It was obvious that Carson was stalling, though he didn’t know what or why. 

Negan chuckled bitterly, the sound of another individual asking about his wife abrading his virulence. “Oh, she’s fine,” his feigned smile fell, “thanks to you.” Not a single notion of gratitude could be found in his words as it was veiled behind the slow, concentrated flexing of his hand. 

“Well, I’m glad I was able to help.” Carson knew that something wasn’t right but there was no other option than to face to the ever-growing wall of fire that was about to incinerate his snowball’s chance in hell in getting out unscathed. His office was small, but it felt even smaller with a looming black cloud of misfortune lingering about. 

Negan rubbed his hand across his tensed jaw to silently display his dissent. “Here’s the thing, doc, you really didn’t. In fact, you kinda fucked everything up.” He paused, his voice slipping into a darkness that could only exist in the forsaken confines of a tormented mind. “And, I’m a little pissed off about that.” 

The color in Carson’s face was chased away by the accusation. “I...what...I don’t understand, I didn’t do anything.” The words fell out of his mouth in a fevered attempt to keep the thin ice that his life depended on from cracking. 

His smile was a trap honed to deceive, “Did my lovely, angel of a wife pay you a visit a few days ago?” Negan took a step towards the shaking man, cornering him. 

“Yes, yes, she said she was having trouble sleeping so I gave her something to help her.” He held his hands out defensively while keeping his gaze glued to the shrinking distance between their feet. “Sir, I don’t understand.”

Negan smirked, longingly, as he admired Cassie’s abuse of the naive doctor to run off in the middle of the night. “Let me clear things up for you. Whatever you gave her, she used to drug me, knock me out, so that she could sneak out.” Carson tried to have his say but Negan shouted over his hapless attempt. “And now, some prick is screwing  _ my wife _ !” The ground fell out beneath the doctor and he collapsed beneath the weight of his leader’s temper but cowering wasn’t an option. Negan reached down and grabbed him by his white coat and dragged him back onto his feet, shaking Carson like a ragdoll.

“I didn’t know! I never would’ve given them to her if I did! I swear! I would’ve told you!” His voice wavered and shuddered with a despair that made Negan’s lips twitch in a perverse smile. He was addicted to the high of another’s vulnerability and having someone beg for the forgiveness they didn’t need had him in a state of euphoria. 

“Tell you what,” he released him with a defiance that threw him against the wall, “tell me you’re sorry for fucking my day up and we’ll call it good.” 

Carson couldn’t hide his surprise but he didn’t question it. “Please, sir, I’m sorry, so sorry, please you have to believe me, I didn’t know.” His hands were pressed together in prayer as if there was a god brave enough to pull him out of the hell he was in. When indiscernible minutes passed without forgiveness or salvation, he went on, “Please, please, I’m sorry, please don’t hurt me.” 

Negan chuckled, “Oh, I am doing my best not to snap your fucking neck right now.” For a brief moment, he closed his eyes to keep himself from acting on the one action that made Cassie stray. He could imagine the quiet resignation that would fall from her eyes, a sight he could picture so clearly it was as if she were standing right in front of him. He knew if there was any possibility of having the slightest shred of a relationship with her, he had to stop. But he wasn’t sure if he could. He had killed a part of himself to keep her alive and now he had to justify the sacrifice. 

If he stopped now, he’d lose the sound of his name being spoken through fearful whispers, the ability to bring people to their knees, the kind of respect that burned disobedience to ash and stripped the air from their lungs, and the exhilaration of having another man’s blood on his hands. 

He couldn’t be a leader of men without being a killer of men and Cassie was just going to have to understand that at some point. 

He exhaled sharply, his sigh carrying all of his patience and reasoning too far out of reach. “Fuck it,” there wasn’t enough time for Carson to shield his face from the incoming blow of Negan’s fist. The weathered doctor fell back to the safety of the floor, trapped between the counter and exam table. Just one hit wasn’t enough though, far from it, as the toe of Negan’s boot was driven into Carson’s side when he attempted to push himself back up. Carson didn’t have a spark of violence in him and Negan knew that; which made it so much easier. 

“You have any fucking idea how much fucking work you made for me with what you did?!” As light as a feather, Negan grabbed the back of Carson’s coat to use as leverage so he could throw him across the room to the opposite wall. A tray of medical tools clattered to the ground in the aftershock and the debris echoed from beneath the leader’s boots as he made his way to his prey. 

“I’m sorry,” Carson coughed through the unbearable pain coursing through his body, signaling that something was broken and out of place. 

“Sorry doesn’t bring my wife back, doc!” His voice was carrying through the Sanctuary, no doubt. He knew there’d be people wondering why a cacophony was developing in a room of medicine but he was too involved in his toxic therapy to notice. He knelt down to hit the doctor five or six times, over and over against his skull. Blood began to trickle from Carson’s mouth and nose. It filled the crevices in Negan’s knuckles and he could see Carson struggling to find enough oxygen to keep him conscious. 

As one last, fleeting effort to hang onto his frail life, Carson’s hands swept across the cement floor in search of a fallen scalpel. His fingers desperately curled around the stainless steel handle and tried to blindly stab it into an exposed, vulnerable point on his leader.

Though impressed by Carson’s pitifully weak attempt at self-preservation, the only thing it cut was Negan’s last nerve. “You shitting me right now?” He laughed when he caught Carson’s hand with a bruising grip that made the doctor’s fingers falter and drop his only lifeline. Negan picked it up and stared at it before allowing his dark eyes to drift to the beaten and bloodied man below him like an artist inspired by his brush. “Oh, Carson,” he drawled, “you aren’t gonna like this.” The ghost of a snarl on his lips, he drove the small, thin blade into Carson’s neck and blood spurted out and drenched Negan’s hand in warm, liquid carnage, drowning what was left of his rationality. 

The doctor tried to pull the air into his lungs and stop the bleeding with his hands, but every futile breath only encouraged the blood to seep through his fingers and spread across the floor. Negan stood up straight, a nonexistent weight lifted from his stressed shoulders, his shirt a grotesque landscape of hematic artistry. When he turned towards the door, he found it open with Simon and a few others staring at the mess he’d created with a twisted, violent passion. 

“Put him on the fence,” callous as ever, he shoved past the crowd, ruination in his eyes and blood dripping from his ring.

 

* * *

 

Water dripped from the diamond on my finger as I rested my hands against the wall of the shower to drown out the uneasiness that was attempting to create a sanctuary inside my head. I’d been standing under the heat of the water for far longer than I needed. I knew it was an inexcusable waste of resources but it was as close to a baptism as I could get and I needed to wash my sorrow clean. 

I straightened my back and pulled my hands to my chest. My thumb and finger sought out the wedding band that seemed to choke my heart with a bloodied grip. I pressed the metal against the bone, using the self-inflicted ache to try and convince myself to take it off and stow it away in a dresser drawer among the rest of my ill forgotten memories. 

But I couldn’t. 

Trying to love what was left of him felt like a fist to my jaw. It left me as cold as being stranded in a snowstorm, barren to the wind without a fire to keep me warm. It crippled me with a knife to my spine, spreading shards of glass through my body to finish what was left. It would be the death of me but some twisted part of my heart refused to seek rehab from the manifestation of my lovesick addiction. 

“Goddammit,” cursing through my sigh, I pulled my hands apart and tangled them in my hair in frustration. 

A knock on the door interrupted my internal therapy session and the slightest crack in the entryway sent a cloud of steam rushing out of the room. It was him, the only thing that kept me from slipping into a sickening withdrawal. I knew that being by myself was dangerous and I feared the day when he’d leave to go beyond the fence again. 

“Mind if I join you?” It was early in the morning and Rick had probably just woken up. His voice was still heavy and serrated with sleep. 

“No, of course not,” I called back over the running water. The door opened and closed in the same second and moments later, he was right behind me. I turned around and tucked myself into the crook of his neck, the last sanctuary I seemed to have. He wrapped his arms around my waist and placed drowsy, tender kisses where he could.

“You’re up early,” he commented. It’d been a few, emotionally taxing days since my husband half-heartedly saved the rest of the community from getting wiped out. The mornings and nights between then and now had been spent with Rick and his family because I didn’t know how to face what was left of mine. 

“I couldn’t sleep,” I mumbled through the water that dripped over his skin. 

“Well, I missed you,” his lips sought mine and I closed my eyes to keep the droplets from interrupting my good morning kiss. My hand skimmed across his back in content and he smiled. “This, I could get used to, though.” As if he had been too long deprived of the feel of my skin against his, he managed to pull me closer and kissed me with fervid conviction. 

Before he got carried away, I spoke, “We probably shouldn’t waste the water.” 

He chuckled and nodded, “Yeah, you’re probably right.” Still, he kissed me, this time with a promising touch. “Tonight,” his voice was warmer than the water beating against my skin and left me lightheaded. He no longer asked me to spend the night, he expected it as if we’d been a part of each other’s lives for years. He’d have the corner of the blankets pulled back on my side of the bed as if his quiet smile, bare chest and anticipative embrace wasn’t invitation enough. 

“Until then, how about I make breakfast while you get ready for the day?” I rested my chin on his chest and looked up at him. The water dampened his hair a shade darker as it stuck to his forehead. The contrast made his eyes stand out in the purest of ways. 

“I know Carl would rather you make it than me.” he simpered with a loose grip around my waist. 

I pursed my lips and narrowed my eyes, “I think Carl only likes me for my waffles.” 

He clicked his tongue to the roof of his mouth and answered with a playful glance, “They are pretty good.” After rolling my eyes at his argument, I leaned forward on the tips of my toes to grant him one more kiss. He indulged himself by letting his hand trace back up the curve of my body until it got lost in my hair, keeping me in place as he teased my sanity with deliberate, evocative kisses that started at my lips and found their way down my neck. The soft moan he elicited from me was hushed by the running water but he heard it. “Alright, go on, before I get myself into trouble.” He pulled back with surrender and freed me of his hold. 

I bit my lip and laughed quietly. He kissed my cheek as I slid the glass door of the shower open, “I’ll see you downstairs.” 

 

As I let the waffle iron heat up, I washed my hands in the sink while I gazed outside. From inside the kitchen, I could have tricked myself into believing that the community was at peace as the wind whispered through the leaves of the trees and the sun kept the shadows of death hidden out of sight. But I knew that blood stained the ground where people had been buried. The town was quieter now. People stayed inside for the most part but when they were walking down the sidewalk, they kept their head down so they wouldn’t have to relive the tragedy. 

I dried my hands with a nearby towel and directed my focus back to making myself useful. Steps echoed off the staircase behind me while I poured the batter and I glanced behind my shoulder to see Carl bounding into the kitchen wearing jeans and button up just like his father. 

“Morning, Carl,” I greeted, “you hungry?” 

He made his way to the counter beside me. “That’s why I got up. I heard you making breakfast,” he laughed. “You need any help?” His eyes wandered over to the empty plates, wanting to speed up the process.

I smiled, “I’ve got it under control, should be ready in a few minutes.” Carl had been markedly welcoming to me despite my concerns. I would’ve understood if he wanted nothing to do with me but I’d yet to receive a disapproving glare or cold shoulder. 

“I’ll set the table, at least,” he offered, grabbing the plates from the counter and rifling through the drawers to find three sets of silverware. “Is my dad up yet?”

Regardless of his kindness towards me, I didn’t want to overstep my bounds by sharing too much-unwanted information about how close I was with his father. “I think so, I heard the shower going not too long ago.” I sidestepped tactfully around the truth. 

A few minutes passed as the sound of ceramic and stainless steel clinked against the wooden table. Just as he sat down, I slipped a couple of waffles onto his empty plate. 

“Thanks, Cassie,” he wasted no time in grabbing the syrup and dousing his breakfast in sugar.

“You’re welcome, let me know if you want more.” After making a few of my own, I sat down and joined him from across the table. 

He set his fork down and looked at me, “Hey, I’m sorry about what you’re going through,” he vaguely referred to my marital dilemma, as everyone had heard about it one way or another over the past few days and I nodded in solemn gratitude for his sympathy, “but I’m really glad you and my dad have each other. I haven’t seen him this happy in a long time.” 

I looked up at him in heartfelt surprise and he gave me a small but genuine smile. “Thanks, Carl, that uh...I appreciate that.” I didn’t know what to say. “I’m really glad I met you and your dad, too.” 

He nodded this time, in agreement, and went back to eating. I pushed my food around a bit, smiling to myself as I listened to his fork scrape against a quickly emptying plate. It didn’t take him long to spark up the conversation again. “Do you know anything about Enid?” he blurted out nervously. 

Truthfully, I didn’t know much about anyone in this town. In my three years of self-loathing and tear-filled wishing, I’d neglected to take the time to form any other relationships with the people I shared protection with. “Not a ton, really. She’s pretty quiet, keeps to herself.” Struggling to remember any detail I could, I went on, “I know she showed up here alone. I don’t think she has any family left.” Poor girl looked like she’d been living with ghosts and faded memories for far too long. “I usually see her hanging around the gazebo by the lake and I know she likes comic books. She always used to ask Aiden to look for some when he went out on runs.” 

“Oh, cool,” he tried to seem uninterested but there was no hiding the uplifting hopefulness in his voice. It wasn’t any of my business to ask why he was searching for information, but I’d been young once and I could put two and two together. “Can I ask you something?” 

I shrugged and stabbed a piece of food with my fork, “Yeah, of course, what’s up?”

For the first time, he seemed apprehensive about speaking his mind, “Edin kissed me the other day and now she won’t even look at me and I don’t know what I did wrong. Am I missing something?” 

I chuckled, remembering what it was like to play the guessing game. “She’s probably just being cautious. Maybe she’s afraid of getting close to someone, you know? I don’t think you did anything wrong, just give her some time.” I consoled.

He released a terse sigh of frustration, “Are all girls this confusing?” 

I laughed at his realization. “I wish I could say no but, yeah, it’s kinda our thing.” His adolescent grumble of discontent was one that I was sure he’d be making for a while. “You want more?” I changed the subject to his clean plate. He nodded with enthusiasm and I stood up to make a few more for him, giving him a supportive pat on the back as I went. 

“Smells good in here,” Rick commented from the entryway, Judith resting in his arm, glued to his white tee. His boots tapped against the floor and the empty holster on his belt swung with every step as he walked over to put Judith in her high chair. As soon as she was free, she began to pound her small fists against the table. “Morning,” Rick greeted his son with a smile and mussed his hair as he walked by. 

“Morning, dad,” Carl replied in a voice that was becoming strikingly similar to Rick’s. 

The heat of his body found mine yet again, “Good morning,” Rick gave his attention to me with a husky voice and a kiss on my cheek. I laughed quietly and habitually leaned into him when he put his arms around my waist. 

“Morning, Officer,” I got him to roll his eyes with my endearing name calling. “Would you like to join us for breakfast?” 

“If you’ll have me,” he teased my ticklish nature with quick, small kisses on my neck, his beard against my skin making me laugh. I could almost hear Carl’s head shaking at his father’s joyfully petulant behavior. 

“I’m not gonna be able to finish making breakfast with you hanging around,” I informed. My smile was too obvious to sound stern, however. He chuckled and took the hint to go sit down and keep Carl company. I listened to their quiet exchange of words and began to notice how Rick’s tone had changed over the weeks. He smiled more, his eyes warm and welcoming. His happiness was prepossessing and made it easy to forget about the world outside. 

Once the last waffle was made, I set the stacked plate on the table for them to fight over before sitting down. Having had my fill, I opted for aiding Judith in tearing up pieces of her breakfast while Rick and Carl ate. We sat in peaceful silence, save for the happy squeaks from Judith. When I looked up, I found Rick’s rare, amative crooked smile and his sky blue eyes watching me as if I could do no wrong, as if all the light in the world could vanish and the only thing he’d see is me. 

The protest of Carl’s chair provided me with the way out of Rick’s mesmeric attention. Carl stood and dropped his plate off in the sink, “I’m gonna go help Michonne with some repairs,” he stated to the both of us. Rick nodded to grant his approval while he ate.  “Thanks for breakfast, Cassie, and thanks for telling me about those comic books.” He added discreetly. I handed Judith another torn portion of her breakfast and smiled at him. 

“Anytime,” I assured. He said goodbye to Rick and hurried outside to start his day.

As soon as the front door clicked behind him, Rick threw me a questioning stare. “Comic books?”

I laughed, “Don’t tell him I told you, but I think Carl has a bit of a crush on Enid.” 

“Ah,” he said no more, letting his son partake in something normal without argument. “I’m gonna be in the watchtower today if you wanna practice shooting some more.” The suggestive lilt in his voice instantly reminded of how the last time I joined him on his watch duty, he did anything  _ but _ keep watch. 

“Mmm, maybe later,” I sighed regretfully, “I need to talk to my parents. I can’t keep putting it off.” If my voice didn’t convey it, the frown that tugged at my lips displayed my dread at the thought of listening to a gruesome lecture of ‘I told you so’. 

He rested his fork across his plate, “Want me to come?” 

I shook my head, “No, you do your thing, I’ll be fine.” 

“Alright,” he pushed himself away from the table, “you know where I’ll be if you need anything.”

I propped my elbow up on the table so I could rest of my head in my hands as I watched him move around the kitchen. “I know,” I smiled wistfully. 

He walked over to part ways with a longing kiss. “I’ll see you tonight.” The words slipped out on a casual habit that had formed in a matter of days. 

There was no arguing with him. I knew my feet would cross his door as soon and as certain as the sun fell below the horizon, “Tonight.”

 

* * *

 

 

Okay, but, could someone just like, please explain to me how in the fucking fuckity fuck me this man keeps getting more attractive because it is literally destroying my life.

And, also, if they don't have the scene from the comic books where Negan's getting his prison sponge bath and he's all "The one thing I've never been accused of is being good" I'm going to jump myself off a cliff because they will have missed the perfect opportunity to finally have him shirtless. 

 

Then, of course, there's this smug asshole who thinks its OKAY to TOY with MY HEART like a JERK.

Just look at him, being all beautiful and shit, getting extra beautiful before he LEAVES.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the awkward ending. I couldn't think of anything better and I want to start the next chapter off with a bang! So hopefully that'll make up for it! 
> 
> Probably not next chapter, but maybe the chapter after that... some shit's gonna go down and it's gonna be murrrrderous! 
> 
> Have a lovely day all, keeping being wonderful human beings! <3


	19. Weakness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's a constant battle.  
> A war between remembering and forgetting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys for waiting! I know it took me a bit longer to get this chapter out but I was hit with some writer's block and then some life stuff was going on and yadda yadda blah blah. Anyway, you guys are always so great with your support and kudos and comments and bookmarks and wonderfulness and I don't think I will ever be able to express my true appreciation through words! 
> 
> This chapter is a bit foreshadow heavy so not as much excitement going on and I know it's a bit shorter but bear with me, more will come soon!
> 
> Also, I will be moving from my lovely state of Oregon to Montana next month so there may be a slight pause in my posting while I get situated but I have a chunk of the next chapter written already so hopefully it won't be a long pause.
> 
> Lastly! I start this chapter off with a flashback and I HATE flashbacks so I promise to my fellow flashback haters, this will be the only flashback. I tried a bunch of different ways of starting the chapter and this just fit the best so I hope you don't close out of your browser in anger at the sight of it :)
> 
> Anyway, carry on!

I was certain that I’d never be able to forget the first time I saw him.

_I stood with my hands stowed away in my faded teal jacket after adjusting the strap on my pack to keep it from falling off my shoulder. I was uncomfortable in my own skin as usual but standing out in the brisk morning cold wasn’t exactly helping my situation. My small group of desperate friends, however, were dead set on being the first thing for every single high school boy to see as they walked into the building. I should’ve stayed inside but I had convinced myself that standing outside with people I knew was better than shuffling through a sea of strangers inside._

_“Liz, do you really think this is how you’re gonna get a boyfriend? Standing out here and canvassing yourself?” I grumbled to the long blonde haired girl standing across from me. She was and always had been gifted with natural beauty and a confident disposition that I found more and more annoying as we grew older. Granted, my annoyance probably stemmed out of jealousy of her tall, slender, athletic build but I was too young and stubborn to admit that. Regardless, with her expensive taste in clothes and layers of makeup, she had been preparing for her freshman year of high school all summer and she wasn’t going to waste a single second of it._

_She shook her head as if she pitied me, “I’m not canvassing, Cassie,” her eyes, lost in dark eyeshadow, rolled skyward, “I’m just being proactive. This way, I can see all my options. And plus, this is where all the seniors_ _park.” She added, her eyes going back to scanning the parking lot. I sighed and exchanged a look of ridicule with Mary, who had joined in Liz’s escapade to keep me company rather than scout out a date. Jess, on the other hand, was just as hopeful as Liz._

_“A senior?” Mary piqued, “My, aren’t you ambitious, Liz.” Mary was sensible. She was all about art classes and keeping her frizzy, curly brown hair under a beanie as much as possible. Her plump cheeks grew pink in the cold and she attempted to burrow her nose under her zipped up coat to keep warm and she stood beside me._

_“The seniors are pretty hot, though,” Jess, who could’ve been taken for Liz’s sister, spoke to Liz now, agreeing with her. Liz giggled and spoke excitedly under her breath when she pointed to a brown-haired jock getting out of his beat-up Honda. This time, I rolled my eyes._

_Ignoring them, Mary sparked up our own conversation. “Hey, I saw your mom on TV last night doing some debate thing.”_

_I shrugged, “Yeah, she’s running for Congress again. I’ll be glad when it’s all over, I hate listening to politics 24/7.” The excitement of being the daughter to a politician ran its course years ago and the less interested in it I became, the more I felt like an outcast in my own home._

_“You should come over and hang out this weekend,” she offered the sanctuary of a normal household, “we could go catch a movie and then chill at my house and watch something other than the news.”_

_I laughed, “Yeah, yeah, I’ll ask my dad when I get home but that sounds like fun.”_

_The obtrusive sound of an old street bike interrupted my train of thought and we all watched a black bike recklessly tear into the parking lot and to find an empty space. Too far to see much of anything, I stared after whoever was bold enough to draw all the attention to themselves. All I could make out was a red backpack splashed against a dark ensemble of clothes._

_Like static in a storm, I could feel Liz and Jess become infatuated by the sheer thought of meeting a boy who could take them on midnight bike rides. However, I couldn’t help but join them as they watched a tall figure in grease-stained denim and a dark jacket kick the stand out on his bike so he could take his helmet off._

_Mary paid little attention to the distraction once the rumble of the engine had been silenced and continued, “If you want, my parents can come_ _pick you up if your dad can’t drop you off.” Unbeknownst to me, I didn’t offer a reply. “Cassie,” she nudged me in the shoulder to grab my attention._

_“Oh, sorry, yeah, my dad can probably drop me off,” the coherency in my assurance quickly fell apart as soon as I got a better look at the guy walking across the parking lot._

_“Holy shit,” Liz gaped, speechless for the first time in months. I smacked her arm for her foul language. Her incredulous laugh showed she could care less about profanity at this moment. “What? Look at him!”_

_As much as I didn’t want to admit it, I couldn’t stop looking at him. He was so tall and the way he walked in his dark jeans made him look like a bad idea; like everything_ _I was told to stay away from. I watched in foreign, silent concentration as he unzipped his jacket to show the gray tee underneath. He looked somewhat annoyed by the fact that he was here and his dark hair and shadow of a beard made him far too intimidating for me to even consider talking to._

_I felt a shove against my back, “Go talk to him, Cassie, I’ve never seen you so in love,” Mary teased. My cheeks turned red and I retreated back a few steps every time he got a step closer._

_“Shut up, I’m not in love with him, I don’t even know who he is.” I snapped. My terse attitude only confirmed her suspicions. Sure, he was attractive, like really attractive, but standing among three other girls made me close to invisible to someone like him._

_For Liz, it was all hands on deck. “Well, if you’re not going to talk to him, I’m gonna get my hands on him,” she stated, bold as ever. I couldn’t hide my sigh of discontent that was laced with something that resembled a growl._

_“Knock yourself out, Liz.” I wished her the best of luck and stayed behind as she met him halfway along the sidewalk. Her heeled boots brought her a few inches closer to his height and I watched their exchange with focused eyes. He halted as to not run into her abrupt assault. He adjusted the helmet that was tucked under his arm and I saw his chest rise in a sigh._

_A glossy, sugary smile on her face, she spoke, “Hey, nice bike,” her opening line was predictable, just as predictable as her hair flick, eyelash batting and attempt to discreetly show off that she was wearing a push-up bra._

_His brow perked, concerned, as he looked down at her. “Thanks. You ride?”_

_She shook her head, oblivious to how ridiculous she looked, “No, but I’d love to ride one someday.” I couldn’t help but snort the air through my nose at her double meaning. Surely, the bike wasn’t the only thing she was interested in riding. To my chagrin, my disbelief was loud enough to call the attention to me. Liz looked at me with a sharp gaze, as if I was the one who had ruined her chances of losing her virginity to the biker in the back of her parents’ car. Tall, dark and handsome looked over at me too, his lip twitching with a smile and I quickly averted my eyes to the ground._

_“Anyway,” she tried to put her plan back on track, “my name’s Elizabeth but everyone calls me Liz.”_

_“Yeah, well, nice meeting you, Elizabeth,” harshly, he cut off the conversation and started walking again; towards me._

_She scoffed, “Dick.”_

_“I’m--I’m gonna go inside, find my locker or something,” I mumbled, trying to push past Mary and Jess to escape whatever was about to happen like a rabbit with its foot caught in a trap. Mary wasn’t having it, though. She turned me around by my shoulder and pushed me towards the person I was trying to avoid. I stumbled over my feet but was kept upright by a hand on my arm. Face on fire, I looked up at his dark hazel eyes and tried to apologize but my mouth was dry with nervousness._

_“And who might you be?” he asked, a warm smile showcasing dazzling white teeth. His voice sounded like what I imagined my dad’s expensive, aged cognac tasted like. It was unexpectedly deep but smooth enough to sound like an addictive melody. His black hair was short but long enough to be combed back. He checked off every detail on my illusioned list of a perfect guy and there was no way someone as hot as him was actually talking to me._

_I blinked in surprise at the fact that I couldn’t seem to find my voice. “Cassie, uh, my name’s Cassie.”_

_He brushed his thumb over my skin before letting my arm go. “That’s a beautiful name, Cass.” I bit the inside of my cheek and smiled at the sudden nickname._ _“You got a boyfriend?” he wondered casually._

_“Uh, no?” my voice was high enough to be mistaken for a squeak. Did he really just ask me that? “No, no, I don’t.”_

_He ran his tongue along his lip before his smile became a grin and the sight alone made my heart stop for a few seconds. “Well, shit, it must be my lucky day,” he chuckled. I tried to breathe a laugh of my own but only succeeded in making myself feel more light headed. “How about I take you out for a date after school?”_

_“Uh huh, yeah, okay,” I agreed with a dazed nod, not knowing what else to say._

_“Alright,” he pressed a chaste kiss to my cheek, “then see ya soon, baby.” He winked at my_ _taken back expression and walked inside as if what had just transpired was part of his daily routine._

_All four of us imbued in silence, I looked over at them, stars in my wide, blue eyes. “Holy shit.”_

Back then, I never came close to imagining that I’d marry him.

And now, I never thought I’d hear myself say, “How was I supposed to know that my husband would become a killer on the off chance that the world ended?!” I yelled back to my mother in the living room.

Oh, how I longed for how things used to be. Even knowing what I knew now, there wasn’t much I wouldn't've given to go back and live through every single moment over again. I would’ve savored the way I felt when he smiled at me. I would’ve spent more time watching him sleep, wondering what he was dreaming about. I would’ve thanked him for being the best part of my life and asked if I had been the same for him. I would’ve stayed in his arms a little longer and asked for one more kiss.

If I could do it all over again, I’d still want it to be with him.

“We told you not to marry him!” My mom had been nothing but tears and shrill accusations when I spoke to her now. You’d think that I was the one who killed Aiden and in her eyes, by marrying the man who did murder him, I did. “I told you he was only going to hurt you and now look at him! He killed our son!”

I sat with my arms crossed over my chest to defend what was left of my wellbeing. I was anticipating a fight but it had become a one-sided attack. My father sat in the oversized brown leather chair in the far corner. He held his glasses in one hand so he could rub his other hand over his eyes as he listened to his wife try to piece together an argument sound enough to make me see things her way. His look of exhausted unhappiness was one I had become familiar with. He always tried to keep the peace but he was nearing his end of staying on the fence.

“Anyone could’ve killed Aiden, it was just...bad timing.” I didn’t know what she was expecting me to say. I highly doubted that Aiden would’ve been on my husband’s post-apocalyptic hit list. Aiden knew the risks he was taking by going out and scavenging for the community. He just happened to meet an individual that wasn’t keen on dealing with Aiden’s irreverent prattling.

“Cassie, I’m sorry, but are you really defending him?” My dad decided it was time to enter the discussion and took my mom’s side; foreseeably. His voice was the last flame of a fire compared to my mom’s palpable fretfulness. “After everything?” He added, his words like salt in my deep, unhealing wound. The cheating, the killing, the torture...it appeared to be an ever growing list that I kept crumpling up and throwing aside in ignorance.

“I’m not defending him or excusing what he did,” I inhaled slowly, trying not to get hung up on the past, “but what do you want me to say? That I wish I never met him? Even if I could change the past I wouldn’t because it wouldn’t change anything.” I knew they were expecting a profuse apology but I couldn’t seem to bring myself to say it. In the past few weeks, I was beginning to figure out that, nowadays, 'sorry', had become meaningless. It was all anyone could say but you could only say it so many times before it became an empty word that was only used to fill the space between life and death.

My dad continued to speak, saving me from the caustic dialogue of my mother. “He’s dangerous and he knows where this place is.”

Slowly, as if I was trying to decipher a meaning out of a different language, I shook my head. “He’s not dangerous. The people who attacked this place were dangerous but… I mean,” I breathed a laugh through my words, “he’s no more dangerous than Rick.” I remembered how afraid I was of Rick when I first saw him. He had blood painted into the creases of his hands and his eyes were like a wildfire in an open forest. He looked like he had gone to hell and beat the devil before finding his way back to society. He had killed people; I knew it before he had told me so. I had watched him shoot a man while holding me in his arms. Dangerous had a new meaning now and, though Negan had managed to scare me, that didn’t make him dangerous.

“Honey,” he began with a heavily patronizing term, pushing his glasses up on the bridge of his nose, “we know this is hard for you because he was your husband.” Whether it was intentional or not, I got hung up on his use of ‘was’.

When I caught myself thinking about him, my mind acted as if he was gone but he wasn’t gone. He was different but he wasn’t gone. He was still my husband and I’d made a promise to be there for him, for better or for worse. Granted, this was the worst of the worst that we could’ve found ourselves in, but I wasn’t going to abandon him. I knew he would still do the same for me.

My rigid, festering, unresolved rebellion against their lack of approval towards my husband broke through my reply and the snarl that darkened my voice surprised even me. “He still is.”

The two of them exchanged a look that expressed they were anticipating my reaction but still, my dad pushed onward, convinced he could reach a breakthrough in my distorted valley of thought and understanding. “What if he comes back and takes advantage of us? Or kills someone else?” He spoke so quietly, like he was afraid, like he had been tormented by the same nightmare night after night.

“No,” I spoke confidently to ease their ever forming delirium, “no, he wouldn’t do that. That’s not who he is.” I looked down at my ring, the diamond catching the light and creating spectrums of color within itself. “He’s…” something clicked inside my head and I wasn’t sure how long I let my silence fill the air, “he’s still a good man.” As hard as it was, I still had to believe that.

The betrayal was written all over my mother’s expression; her blank eyes, the way her lips parted in taut laconism, the strained rise and fall of her shoulders from contending with keeping her breathing steady and pastoral. I stared at her like a bystander waiting to watch the destruction of a long-standing building.  
“ _Aiden_ was a good man, your _dad_ is a good man, _Spencer_ was a good man,” with every word, her voice rose, “but that man you married is the furthest thing from a good man. He’s a killer.”

Shielding my mom and myself from one another, my dad chimed in again with his stoic wisdom, “People change, Cassie, not always for the better. People like us can’t survive if people like him are out there.”

Understanding the words that he had written between the lines, I snapped. “What are you--what are you saying? You wanna kill him? You gonna get someone to kill him so you can what? Get your revenge?” I stood up from the couch and jabbed my finger at them as if I was reprimanding a child for swearing. “Let me tell you something. Revenge isn’t bringing Aiden back and it’s not gonna make you feel better. You’ll just be another killer.” If there was one thing that I couldn’t wrap my head around, it was the inane idea that murder justified murder. How was it that they could deem their bloodshed as stouthearted and his as heinous? “And I am not going to let you kill my husband just because you think it’ll fix your problems.”

“Cassie, this isn’t up to you, it’s what’s best for the community.” My mom retaliated sharply. I snorted the air through my nose in contempt.

“Like hell it is! You want him dead because he killed Aiden, not because he’s a threat to the people here.”

“Cassie--”

“No!” I cut her off before she could attempt to enlighten me of her sudden change of perspective on the death penalty. “I don’t care what he’s done, he is my husband, and if you so much as try to kill him, it’ll be the last thing you do, I can promise you that.”

 

* * *

 

  
I sat on the couch and thumbed through a book without acknowledging what I was reading. My eyes were tracing the shape of the words in front of me but I may as well have been blind as it was a fruitless activity. My mind was elsewhere. It wasn’t in the warm, dimly lit living room, it was wandering in a maze that only offered dead ends with no escape. It had been hours since I left my parent’s house in a door slamming flurry of muttered threats and misaligned feelings for the two men left in my life. Composed as I may have appeared on the outside, I felt like the remains of a nuclear fallout on the inside.

To top it off, Rick had ended up going on a spur of the moment run with Daryl at some point in the morning and had yet to return. I couldn’t bring myself to look at the clock on the wall in fear that it would be pointing at an ungodly hour, telling me that something had gone wrong and that he wasn’t coming back. All I knew was it was dark. Carl and I had eaten dinner and afterward, he had wandered up to his room to play games or read his comics but he didn’t seem worried about his dad so I tried to share his confidence.

Judith was fast asleep, rolling about in her crib as I watched her from the small screen that sat in front of me on the coffee table. I envied her. She had so much hardship ahead of her but it didn’t stop her from finding sleep every night. I would have given anything to have such innocent ignorance.

It was unbearably quiet in the house and my ears were waiting to hear the tumbling of the lock on the front door and the comforting tap of his heeled boots against the hardwood. Even now, my mind would play tricks on me and twist the sound of Rick coming home with the familiar song and dance of my husband coming home day after day, year after year. I was never able to stop the rush in my chest or the hopeful, immediate shift in my gaze that consistently sought out the man that I had been missing for years.

Just when I forced myself to check the time, I heard the heavy wooden door click shut right as the clock struck 11. I snapped the book in my hand shut, not caring about keeping my place in its jumbled mess of unread words. His unmistakable and stiff sigh broke up the sound of his boots being pulled off and tossed to the hardwood as he made his way to the living room.

My eyes traveled up his tall frame, his bloodstained jeans, the worn leather belt that held his favored gun and machete, the shirt stretched across his chest that was speckled with small holes, and finally his rugged face and steel blue eyes. I smiled kindly. “Hey, where have you been?”

He collapsed into the couch and wasted no time pulling me against his side. He smelled like the forest, a sweet combination of sweat and dirt. On anyone else, it would have made me crinkle my nose but on him, it was an aberrant magnet to my senses. “Missing you,” he replied with a kiss to my cheek. “I wasn’t planning on being gone so long,” he apologized, “Daryl and I found some guy and…” he looked down at me and gave me another kiss, derailing his story, “it’s just good to be home,” he breathed. I was tempted to ask for more details but he seemed to want to turn his mind off for the night so I decided to save my questions for the morning.

“Well, Carl and I saved dinner for you in the fridge if you’re hungry,” I curled up beside him as he propped his legs up on the table beside the baby monitor. His lips pulled into a warm smile as he watched Judith. “And I’m glad you’re safe and sound.”

He chuckled and bent his arm to rest behind his head and hugged me with the other, “You weren’t worried about me were you?”

“Oh, I’m sorry, have you met me? That’s all I do,” I informed with incredulous laughter. “Sometimes, Grimes, I swear…” I sighed, rolling my eyes.

His body shifted beneath me as his hand came back down to dig through his pocket. “Can I make it up to you with this?” he pulled out a silver chain with a small diamond dangling from it. “I found it on the dash of a car but I thought it would look better on you.” He let it pool into my outstretched hand and smiled while I admired it. “I know it’s not much but I didn’t want to come home empty handed.”

I shook my head at how ridiculous he sounded. He was far too much than I deserved. All day, I'd been defending and reminiscing about the man I still loved while waiting on the other man that was trying to make me forget about my past. Rick, meanwhile, had kept me on his mind all day while he was out risking his life for us. “No, no, it’s perfect, really, it’s beautiful, thank you.” I wrapped my fingers around the jewelry and reached up to express my gratitude through a long-awaited kiss to welcome him home. “I missed you,” I breathed against his lips when I pulled away. He smiled again and I felt his fingers playing with my hair.

“You have no idea,” eagerly, he slipped his other hand around my waist and created enough room on the couch to lay me down beneath him. Before I got too lost in his silken stratagems, I clumsily set the pendant on the table, my fingers blindly ensuring that it was safe as I kissed him back. We were beginning to fall into a pattern of late-night exhilarations in the quiet shadows of one another’s longing that ended with sweet, early morning good mornings whispered into my ear with a brush of his lips against my cheek. It was starting to become a bad habit that I knew I should stop, but I couldn’t bring myself to do so.

Perhaps with more time, his presence would have as much influence on me as a morning breeze rather than a hurricane, but that day wouldn’t be anytime soon.

After kissing me until my cheeks were pink with breathlessness, he broke away, his voice low, his eyes only for me. “Is Carl asleep?”

Together, we listened through the silence to see if we would be able to hear him milling about in his room. “Yeah,” I whispered, “I think so. Why?”

He smiled again and I watched his fingers start unbuttoning his shirt as he held himself above me. “I’m too damn tired to go up to the bedroom.”

 

* * *

 

  
My head against his chest and his arm wrapped around my waist to keep me secured between him and the couch, I awoke in the dark, early morning hours, trying to remember why we had fallen asleep in the living room. When I realized that there was barely enough fabric for a shirt between the two of us, I let out a quiet sigh of self-ridicule from beneath the blanket that we shared. As my eyes adjusted to the lack of light, I glanced up at him to find him peacefully sleeping, every breath deep and resounding with exhaustion.

Figuring I had enough time for a few more hours of sleep before we had to get up and pretend that we had spent our night in the bedroom, I made myself comfortable once more before closing my eyes and drowning in the sound of his heart beating.

As I waited for sleep to come back to me, I couldn’t shake the feeling that something or someone was waiting in the dark. Chalking it up to the middle of the night paranoia, I kept my eyes shut and let my mind wander elsewhere.

“Rick,” a voice whispered his name as if they were on friendly terms, but it was almost so quiet that I could have sworn I had imagined it. Warily, I sought out the source of the sound, all the while telling myself that it was all in my head, that there was no physical way someone would have snuck inside without waking Rick up.

I made out a dark figure with a short frame in a long coat that melted into the aphotic living room. He stood just a few feet away from us, quiet as an open night sky. Certain that I wasn’t trapped in a dream, I shook Rick awake at a rate that matched my racing pulse. He was on edge the second he opened his eyes. He sat up, the blanket falling from his chest, and forced me to stay hidden behind him as he grabbed his gun off the table and pulled the hammer back before I could catch my breath. Even with next to nothing on, he was was unphased by the intruder and ready to pull the trigger without any questions asked.

The man smiled an oddly congenial smile at the two of us and gently raised his flat palms to Rick in peaceful surrender. “We should talk.”

 

* * *

* * *

  
  
The barbed wire wrapped bat rested on the table in front of him. It was his only company in the cold empty room that he often spent hours in, sitting in an uncomfortable metal chair that felt like it was going to fall apart every time he sat down. Downstairs, he could hear the shuffling of feet and the shouting of voices channeling his commands. The fences rattled with the dead outside, including the doctor, and here he sat, days later, still cleaning the blood from under his nails.

He reached for the bat, his left hand wrapping around the handle. His wedding band knocked against the wood and he admired at the way it stood out against his skin, the bat, the table, the room. After Carson, he’d spent at least an hour cleaning his ring of the blood and dirt and everything else that it had carried over the years. It looked good as new and it was just enough to get a short-lived, moderately impressed smile out of him.

He had considered, multiple times, over the past few days, driving back over to Alexandria to see if the waters of Cassie's resentful reactivity were cool enough to skim his hand along. She’d never been one to take bad news or unexpected turns of events well and the way she had found about how her brother had been killed by him was not exactly the way he envisioned that precarious conversation. He was going to tell her how Aiden had pushed him, told him that Cassie--his wife--was dead and that Aiden's death was an ill-intentioned, emotionally driven accident. She would have been upset and he wouldn’t have argued her anger but she would have had a better understanding of the circumstances. It was a conversation that would have led to backlash and misgiving but he would have been able to fix it; until that bearded prick decided to intervene.

There was little he could do to distract himself from the fact that his wife was sharing her wants and needs with another man. It was infuriating, to the point where if he let himself dwell on it for too long, he ran the risk of ending another man’s life just to ease the troubles of his own. But he knew it was his fault and that if he didn’t change, he’d only push her farther away until she forgot why she wore a wedding ring and the man that had given it to her.

A knock on the door made him sigh before he told the person on the other side to come in. It was Simon.

“Yes?” Negan bypassed the customary greeting and went straight to the matter of finding out what his right-hand man wanted.

Simon was seemingly unbothered by the way his leader gripped the bat and rested it over his shoulder like the prized possession it was. He cleared his throat and put on a smile, “You got a minute? Wanted to talk to you about some staffing issues.” Simon knew he was walking through a minefield by bringing it up but it had to be done.

“Staffing issues?” It was clear that Negan could have cared less about being short-handed right now when he had more personal complications on his mind. “Can’t you take care of it?”

Simon chuckled and eased his head to the side and clicked his tongue with unfortunate news. “It’s about Carson.” After letting Negan scowl, he continued. “Now, I’m sure you had your reasons and I’m not here to question anything, but you killed the closest things to a doctor that we had and we’re in a bit of a tight spot.” He rested his hands on his hips and took a deep breath. “Eugene’s helping out with the sick but, I gotta be honest boss, I don’t think he knows his ass from his elbow when it comes to this stuff.”

“So, we need another doctor?” Negan flippantly gestured with his free hand. The solution seemed clear to him and he was annoyed that Simon hadn’t thought of it before wasting his time. “Well, good thing we got a spare doctor Carson waiting for us at Hilltop.”

* * *

 

 

 

When your right hand man comes in with some time wasting bullshit about not killing the medical help but all you care about it convincing your wife that you're not a murderer so she'll love you again.

(Alos, on a scale of 1 to the speed of light, how quickly would you marry that sexy fucking bearded man? God damn.)

 

 

When you're totally a murderer but your girlfriend still likes you anyway and thinks you're still sexy as fuck and will sleep with you regardless. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So much foreshadowing, so little time!
> 
> Thank you guys SO MUCH for reading! Y'all are amazing as usual and I hope you can maybe kinda see where I'm taking this story next chapter! (Fun fact: I already have the ending planned but that's still a ways a way. I was thinking of doing a "part 2" to the story (a short one) for fun when this is all said and done. What do you guys think?)
> 
> Hope everyone is well and that you all have a great day!


	20. Tempt My Troubled Mind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "The sun inside him rages like wildfire and he is gold,  
> scorching the skin of my heart.  
> Yet, still, he pretends that he is safe for me to love,  
> that his hands are gentle,  
> that his fingerprints won't be seared into the notches of my spine."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello!!
> 
> Let me start by saying that this chapter was a BITCH to write! It's a LOT longer than my usual chapters (like 14 pages instead of 6) and there was so much dialogue. It's awful!
> 
> It's kinda a connective yet jumbled mess but I'm trying to get things set up for the next couple chapters so I hope it's not too boring and terrible.
> 
> As I said in my previous chapter, I'm moving in a few days so my usual posting schedule might be a bit delayed so hopefully this longer chapter will tide you over!
> 
> Thanks for the amazing support as always. You guys are the best! <3
> 
> Cheers!

 

In the course of my life, I’d had more than my fair share of embarrassingly awkward moments but this; this had to be the most undesirable situation I had ever found myself in.

It was bad enough when I was caught--practically naked-- with Rick on his couch by some random man that he and Daryl had decided to bring back to Alexandria. Despite the fact that some people may have deemed my choices as understandable, I wasn’t exactly proud of the fact that I was still considered a married woman who was having an affair with a man that she had only known for a handful of weeks. That being said, my relationship with Rick wasn’t one that I was openly exposing so when Carl came downstairs and Daryl busted through the front door right after I had gotten dressed, I was wishing that I was still lost out in the woods.

Of course, it couldn’t’ve stopped there.

Somehow, me, Rick, Carl, Daryl, Glenn, and the oddly welcomed stranger were now sitting at Rick’s kitchen table and there was no ignoring the fact that a majority of the party was unwilling to hold eye contact with me once they had learned of the entangled circumstances I was in with Rick.

I wanted to hide my face away in the sanctuary of my hand but instead focused on Rick’s palm that was curved around my knee under the table. He dug his fingers into the denim over my skin, annoyed by the interruption rather than alarmed by the intrusion. I kept my lips pressed into a tight line all the while, unwilling to display any facet of the fragmented thoughts ricocheting through my mind like sharp, jagged rocks in a seamless avalanche.

The very worst part of it all, I decided, was the fact that the man who had happened upon my physical predicament called himself Jesus.  
  
“How’d ya get out?” Daryl’s rough voice was scathing, like being dragged over asphalt in the heat of summer. I could never tell if he was angry or happy because of that. Still, I felt like a better question that should’ve been asked, was why the hell they decided to bring this random person home with them just for him to break out and do God knows what. Regardless, I kept my mouth shut, not wanting to draw unnecessary attention to myself.  
  
“One guard can’t cover two exits.” Jesus only smiled at the intimidation. He managed to appear quite clean in a full beard, dark beanie, long trench coat and eclectic ensemble of clothing. What struck me by surprise the most (aside from his unorthodox introduction) was the long brown hair that attributed to his name. “While I was out, I checked your arsenal which was quite impressive but your provisions are surprisingly spare given the number of people in your community. Close to 60?” He was brimming with confidence as he continued.  
  
The room suddenly became uneasy at the mention of our current population. “No, we...recently lost some people.” I kept my words quiet, hoping that everyone would keep their gazes locked on the stranger. Rick gave my knee a reassuring squeeze.  
  
Jesus looked at me with candor in his striking blue eyes. They were unexpectedly bright and I struggled to internally decide if I found them comforting or intimidating. “I’m very sorry to hear that. Your community looks like it’s made of good people and those are hard to come by nowadays.” Everything about him was gentle, from the way he folded his hands on top of the table to how he spoke. I acknowledged his funeral-esque sympathy with a brief nod before he turned his attention to a pacing Daryl and stoic Rick. “You two could have left me out there but you could tell that we’re on the same side.” Then, he addressed the table, “I come from a community a lot like this one and I think we could help one another out. See, my job is to seek out other communities to trade with and together we create a network, a support system.”  
  
“There are other communities out there?” Glenn leaned forward in his chair with intrigue. Everyone else seemed just as addled that there were other people who had survived the choking grip that the dead now had on the world. I, on the other hand, had already learned that there were multiple communities or settlements out there thanks to my husband. He said that he traded protection for supplies and I wondered just how far his reach was. Was it possible that Jesus and his people had been dealing with Negan while I had been sorrowfully ignorant of his existence?  
  
Jesus smiled again. He smiled a lot. It was peculiar, given the state of affairs on an average day and the fact that he had just escaped from a basement where he had been tied up for the evening. “There is and they’re full of kind-hearted people like yourselves.”  
  
“When you say trade, what are we talking here? Food?” Though it was clear that Daryl was unwilling to let go of his suspicions, he couldn’t ignore the offer on the table. I knew we were nearing the point where our pantry shelves were mostly stocked with items that no one wanted to eat and it certainly wasn't going to improve on its own.  
  
The man at the end of the table nodded, “My people need weapons to protect ourselves with and we could trade food for guns or whatever you might have. We grow crops, have our own cows and chickens, and have plenty to share with those who can help us.” Keeping quiet, I expressed my esteem with a perked brow and pursed lips. I always thought it would be most fortunate for us to stumble upon a stray farm animal wandering the woods that we could use for food but we never had such luck.  
  
For the duration of the conversation, Rick had been reserved, listening to the exchange between everyone while studying Jesus with a penetrating gaze that would have frightened me if had been in my direction. I could tell he was waiting for the slightest sign that would expose the flaw or lie in Jesus’s story but judging by Rick’s tensed shoulders, he was becoming frustrated that his doubts weren’t holding up.

“You just expect us to believe you? After all the shit you pulled yesterday?” His free hand cut through the air and his tone took on a tapered lilt.  
  
The man chuckled under the heat of the spotlight and I couldn’t help but wonder if he had always been this easy going. “No, of course not.” He flattened his palms against the mahogany to talk business. “My community isn’t far from here. If you’d like, we could take a car and I could show you what we have and the kind of people we are and you would be back before nightfall.” He glanced over at me again, paying close attention to the lack of space between me and Rick’s arm. “You and your wife and whoever else you’d like to bring are welcome. We could even send you home with food as a sign of good faith.” While my heart stuttered at the sound of me being called a wife to a man I didn’t speak a vow to, Rick appeared nonchalant, approving even at the man’s assumption as he didn’t bother with taking the liberty to correct him.  
  
Rick looked to me for confirmation, “You up for this?” I knew he was wary and looking for a reason to give this undertaking a chance.  
  
I foreshadowed my reply with a meek shrug. “Yeah, I...I guess.” Compared to the majority of people I had met in the past couple weeks, Jesus came off as a heaven-sent saint rather than a threat. “It can’t hurt, right? And we need the food.”  
  
Without saying a single word to me or anyone else at the table, he came to a decision. “Alright, we’ll check out this community of yours but if this is some kind of trick,” he spoke with a subtle, forewarning growl in his chest, “I can promise it won’t end well for you.”

 

 

  
My bottom lip stung as I ran the tip of my tongue over the dry, cracked skin. It hadn’t rained for weeks and the drought presented itself as modest twisters of dirt and leaves that trailed behind the tires of the RV leading the way in front of us. As we drove along the highway that the Earth had taken back, my concentration began to weaken under a sleepless night and caliginous nostalgia. It wasn’t until Rick spoke my name for the third time that I heard him.  
  
“Cassie, you alright?” It was just the two of us in the car and his concern was just loud enough to be heard over the sound of the tires on the road. He had his hand on my thigh, his fingers occasionally tapping against me with senseless rhythm. It was a familiar feeling of the beloved road trips I would take with Negan on any given weekend but there were striking differences. Negan had a lead foot, a mouth that was quick to give a lengthy stint of swearing during traffic and a strong hand that would often migrate suggestively along my leg just to get a red-cheeked laugh out of me.  
  
But that was years ago.  
  
“Oh, yeah, sorry,” I took a deep breath to clear my mind of treacherous maudlinism, “I was just trying to remember if I’d been down this road before when it all started.” Chewing on my lip now, I let my eyes drift back to the passing trees as they blended into one seamless shade of green. “Of course, it’s hard to remember what a road looks like when it’s bumper to bumper traffic.” I breathed a dismal laugh to bring light to a dark memory. “God, remember how…” I struggled to find a word that could come close to matching the feeling that every living individual seemed to experience that night, “chaotic it was? All the sirens and people abandoning their cars because the roads were so backed up? Now it’s just...quiet and empty and nothing.” Even now, I couldn’t decide which was better.  
  
Rick was reticent for a minute and I looked over at him to find him not lost in thought but blank with forgetfulness. “I was actually in a coma when it all started, I woke up to the quiet and empty part.”  
  
I gaped and the sparsest smirk tugged on his lips. “How come you never told me that? What happened to you?” There was still so much I didn’t know about him but then again, there was only so much I could have learned in a matter of weeks.  
  
“It was so long ago, kinda feels like a bad dream nowadays.” He shook his head briefly before continuing, “I was on a call at work and I got shot. The last thing I remember was lying in a field and then I woke up in the hospital bout a month after everything happened.” He kept it short and simple and I knew there was more to the story but I didn’t want to pry on what was probably a less than enjoyable memory to look back on.  
  
“How did you make it out? Were people still there to take care of you?” It was hard to pick just a few questions out of the many that I had.  
  
He frowned, “No, everyone was dead and gone. I think the only reason I lived through it was that my friend, my partner from the department, he blocked the door with a gurney so nothing ever got in.”  
  
Rick and his group were the first people that I had met who had truly survived out in the world from day one. No one from Alexandria had been exposed to the harshness of a collapsing world. In some way or another, we had been sheltered under car roofs and buildings. It was a miracle that we wound up at Alexandria unscathed but finding out what Rick had persisted through made me wonder what kind of phenomenon or deity was behind the fact that he was alive and well beside me.  
  
“Oh my God, Rick,” I breathed his name with relief almost, “Well, wait, what happened to your friend? Did you ever find him?”  
  
He maintained a balance of looking at me and checking the road as we spoke, “Yeah, yeah, I did. He was the one who kept Lori, my wife, and Carl safe. He was with us for a while but,” by the abrupt drop in his words he had already told me what happened but still he continued, “he didn’t make it.”  
  
Immediately, I regretted the fact that I should have known better than to wonder what had become of him. He wasn’t here and that was that. “Shit, that was a stupid question, I’m sorry. I shouldn't have asked.”

His fingers gripped my leg with forgiving reassurance, “No, it’s okay, really. I think about him all the time. I see things that remind me of him every day.” He smiled but it was forced, not like the expression that showed the laugh lines around his eyes and made you remember that the world didn’t have to be so dark. I wasn’t sure what was hiding behind his false sense of acceptance but he moved on before I could ask. “But things are better now, a lot better.”

“Yeah, they are.” I agreed affectionately. Truly, several aspects of my life had improved beyond my wildest hopes but better weather didn’t necessarily translate to smoother sailing.

He managed to change the subject with a deep sigh while he clutched my hand in his, “I’m sorry about all this, I wasn’t really expecting things to go this way.” He stared at the RV in which Jesus, Glenn, and Michonne were driving. I was glad to be sharing the drive with Rick as I wasn’t sure how much awkward taciturnity I could endure with everyone else.

I laughed, albeit uneasily, but there was still some humor to be found in all this. “It’s alright, he--Jesus,” I forced myself to get used to saying his name, “seems like a decent guy. I mean, he coulda killed us but instead he just, ya know, stood there.” My nose crinkled with confusion as his tactics.  
  
“Yeah,” he drawled with a chuckle, “I can’t say that’s ever happened to me before.”  
  
“Who knows, maybe this will be good. If it does work out, it could be great for the community. I know our food supply is running low, even after losing people. And, it’d be nice to know that there are other people out there we could network with and build with.” Though knowing that we were going to meet another community that we could beg for food from, I should have taken the time to ensure that my appearance would create a better first impression. “I should’ve dressed up a bit more.” I poked fun at my worn jeans and overwashed, faded purple plaid button up that was hiding a stained gray tee.  
  
He pulled my hand towards him and kissed where he could. “You look beautiful, Cassie.” He didn’t say it to placate my worries, he told me as if it was the only truth he could believe in and it was enough to make my cheeks brim with warmth.  
  
His form of attention wasn’t one that I had grown used to and I couldn’t find the courage to receive his opinion. “Keep your eyes on the road, cowboy.” I hid my smile and tried not to laugh.  
  
Tipping his imaginary cowboy hat in acquiescence, he grinned, “Yes, ma'am.”

 

The Hilltop was humming with bucolic, untroubled busy work. People were spread out among the large front yard, some working in a garden, some carrying buckets of supplies to and from, a couple men shaping heated metal with hammers and a few women hanging laundry out to dry. It felt like I had stepped back into a time before modern technology had been introduced and they all seemed cognizantly oblivious to the ever-looming threat just on the other side of their monumental front gate.

The most ostentatious piece though was the colonial mansion resting on top of the slope, overlooking the settlement with a protective presence. “Is that the Barrington house?” I was certain that I’d seen the timeless red bricks, three tiers of white, perfectly aligned windows and strong pillars that guarded the ornate front porch before.  
  
Rick looked down at me, his hand still holding mine and his body subtly a step in front of mine to keep me safe from harm. “You been here before?”

I shook my head, “No, it’s a museum-- I think. I’ve seen it in some of the books at Alexandria. It’s been around for years.”  
  
“Since 1914, actually,” Jesus added with subdued enthusiasm, “but she’s right, this is Barrington House. I think people came to it because it’s been here for so long; so why wouldn’t it be here after the world ended?” he continued to walk us up the trodden path towards the house at the top of the hill.  
  
“It’s huge,” Glenn commented from the back of our small group. I nodded in agreeance. I couldn’t even begin to guess how many rooms had been built into the sound structure.  
  
Our guide chuckled, “It’s got six bedrooms but most of the other rooms have been made into living spaces as well. So, with the FEMA trailers, we have plenty of room for growth, which is what we intend on doing.” By the looks of it, his people were ready to settle here for the long haul; for generations even. “It’s even more impressive inside. Come in, I’ll show you around.”  
  
The exterior paled in comparison to the inside. Detailed pictures and traditional, long-standing furniture filled up the large space in the grand room that greeted us when we walked in. It was warm and appeared to be meticulously clean as if people rarely walked its floors. Our small group was quiet as we took in a sight that seemed so out of place in a world that was dead and gone.  
  
“As you can tell, we haven’t changed much,” Jesus’s boots clicked against the aged hardwood as he walked towards us after closing the door. “But it works for us and I think the people like to see something from the old world.”  
  
I opened my mouth to speak but was interrupted by a seasoned voice that was saturated with an embarrassingly pretentious confidence. It was enough to make me crinkle my nose in antipathy.  
  
Negan would’ve hated him.  
  
“Jesus!” the man bellowed from the top of the staircase, his thumbs hooked under his suspenders. “You’re finally back,” he paused, surveying us with an unimpressed gaze, “and I see you brought some guests.” Without any hurry in his step, he made his way down to us.  
  
“Gregory, this is Rick, Cassie, Glenn, and Michonne.” Jesus pointed to each of us in an introduction. “Everyone, this is Gregory. He’s...in charge,” he paused, “so to speak,” he muttered under his breath.  
  
He wasted no effort in being humble, “The one and only,” Gregory smiled. All I could muster a frown while Rick seemed unamused. “I take it you’re here to ask for help, no?”  
  
Rick’s hand left mine to rest and preemptively curl around his Python, “We came to talk trade. Jesus thinks we could help your people with ammunition in exchange for food.” his counter was rigid and I could feel Jesus watching anxiously from the side.  
  
Gregory obtrusively cleared his throat, “Well, I suppose we could talk business for a few minutes,” his eyes wandered with discomfort, threatened by Rick’s unwavering stare. “Why don’t we talk upstairs in my office?” Without waiting for an answer, he made his way back upstairs, talking to himself in a volume just out of reach. Rick looked back to me and I nudged him with my shoulder to commend his strong will.  
  
Jesus sighed apologetically, “He takes some getting used to.”  
  
“We’ve dealt with worse,” Michonne assured as she braved the flight of stairs first. Rick chuckled and gave Glenn a nod as he followed after her.

Before I let Rick lead the way, I stopped him, “You guys go ahead, I’ll catch up with you in a minute.” I looked to Jesus with an awaited inquisition, “I’m just gonna use the little girl’s room, if I could?”  
  
“Of course, it’s just down the hall, last room on the right.” He dipped his head permissively and pointed to the hallway that began on the far side of the room where a grandiose oil painting was lounging in the sunlight.  
  
“Thanks,” I breathed my gratitude along with a quick smile before receiving a brief send-off from Rick when he left to meet up with the others upstairs. As I went on my own path to the washroom, I heard the distant, muffled sound of car engines pulling up through the gates and wondered if they had even more people than I had seen.  
  
When I came back out, I took my time rather than rushing back to Rick. Frankly, after this morning, I was craving some time alone and I wasn’t finding myself in the mood to listen to or deal with someone like Gregory. I stopped at the dark-toned picture that had caught my eye from the moment I walked in and allowed myself to get lost in the delicate brushstrokes that came together to create a forested scene of shadows and hidden figures.  
  
Behind me, the front door creaked open but I assumed it was another foreigner of Hilltop passing through and paid them no mind. They closed the entrance carefully as if they didn’t want to alarm me of their presence but, when I heard the footsteps from the other side of the room, I didn’t have to look to know who they belonged to.

The strides were long and haughtily slow, unfettered by concern, arms swinging blithely by his side as if he was going through a stroll down a sun-drenched beach. Had he not wanted to interrupt the restive silence, he would’ve been whistling.  
  
He stopped behind me, an adumbration with the scorching touch of a raging wildfire. He was smiling his unctuous smirk; I could tell by the way he was lingering behind me. He knew I knew that it was him; he could tell by the curt shift of my shoulders when I took a deep breath of pursed anticipation.  
  
Finally, “You look beautiful, baby,” the unmistakable sonorous melody of a voice I knew far too well spoke in my ear. I tightened my jaw and released a surrendering sigh as a shiver crept down my neck. I felt no need to be defensive around him, despite it all. Regardless, I didn’t move a muscle. "You know,” he went on, “I’ll never forget the way you looked in that wedding dress of yours. I thought I’d died and gone to heaven when I lifted that veil and saw those blue eyes staring back at me.” I crossed my arms in defiance but let him continue. “Of course, that night we did some pretty unholy things,” he chuckled.  
  
I scoffed and dropped my arms to turn and face him. He was an inch away from me, a grin plastered on his face. The last time I’d seen him, he wore blood, a clenched jaw and a tangible irritation that was black as a moonless night. After a few days and some miles between us, he was composed with a ruttish smile and warm eyes the color of my morning coffee. The jacket that had become his trademark clung to his sides, unzipped just enough to show his gray tee. His beard was still present, highlighting his annoyingly charming dimples when he smiled.  
  
“What do you want? What are you doing here? Did you follow me?” My string of inquiries was something he was used to.  
  
He put his hands up in playful surrender and offered a self-effacing smirk that made me suck on my teeth to keep from reciprocating. “No, Cass, you said you wanted your space and when have I never given it to you?” I glanced down to the lack of space between our shoes to argue his point. He rolled his eyes, “Relax, baby, I’m here on business.”  
  
That sounded promisingly ominous. “Business?” To make a display of my skepticism, I perked a brow and kept my argument short.  
  
There was no stopping his persistent behavior of attempting to rekindle our marriage with the slightest touch as he reached out to curl his fingers around my shoulders and drag me closer to him. He smiled candidly when I shook my head but went along with it. He could tear my world apart, thread by thread, and I would still find an obscure, warm familiarity in his habitual touch.  
  
He looked down at me as I waited for an answer in patient silence. “I need to borrow their doctor for a little while. We’re a little short-handed back home.”  
  
“What happened to Dr. Carson?” I did my best to keep the alarm in my tone from going off but failed immensely.  
  
He, of course, was as nonchalant as usual. It was a rarity to elicit an everyday reaction from him. He smiled more than anyone I’d ever met and at times it was indescribably frustrating. “He got involved in something he shouldn’t have and I had to...let him go.”  
  
“Jesus Christ, Negan. What did you do?!” I hissed. His fleeting smirk told me what I already knew, however. He’d lost his temper and killed Carson.  
  
Still, he drew a quiet chuckle from his chest. “Nothing those beautiful eyes need to cry about,” he brought his hand to my face and let his thumb follow the path along my cheekbone so that his fingers could toy with the hair framing my conflicted expression. I briskly smacked his hand away and he sighed; bothered but far from giving up. “Baby, can we talk? Just one conversation without any yelling or you punching me in the jaw?”  
  
My eyes slipped uneasily to the side and my voice felt clammy, “I don’t think that’s a good idea.” Not with Rick upstairs, anyway.  
  
“Why?” His voice left mine seeking cover from its dark stern tone. “Your new boyfriend gonna kick my ass?” I looked up at him, all too quickly and apprehensively, giving my secret away like an unwanted burden. “Oh, I know,” he laughed humorously, as if he was still in disbelief, “I saw the way that son of a bitch looked at you.”  
  
“Negan, I--” I sputtered, panicked. I couldn’t explain the heart-pounding dread that was enough to make my hands shake but he caught me before I began to ramble on with incoherent excuses.  
  
“Hey, shh, it’s alright, baby, I ain’t mad at you.” his hands found their way back to my arms and I felt the tingling warmth from his touch all over my skin. “I know you still love me. I mean, even after all this shit, you’re still wearing that wedding ring. That’s gotta count for something, right?” There was nothing he missed and there was no lie that would make him believe that I no longer harbored any feelings for him.  
  
I steeled my nerves and reminded myself that, at the very least, he deserved a fair trial to share his side of the story. “You have two minutes.”  
  
He wasted no time explaining himself. “Cassie, about Aiden, he kept fucking pushing me and, I’ll admit, I lost my temper, and I’m sorry. Baby, he told me you were dead, that you were rotting on the side of the goddamn highway and that it was all my fault and I couldn’t fucking deal with that. I regretted it as soon as I did it but I just wasn’t thinking straight. Baby, you gotta believe me, I’d never do something like that to hurt you.” For the first time, he was rushing to get the words out and his cloyingly deliberate way of speaking was amiss.  
  
I stopped him, “Wait, he told you I was dead? Why would he do that?” The fact that Aiden blatantly told a vague but grotesque lie about my whereabouts was both nonsensical and ill-executed. He knew that it would have pissed Negan off so why did he say it? To protect me? By foolishly getting himself killed?  
  
“He was trying to fucking piss me off. C’mon, Cass, you know how he was. Your brother was a dick, especially to me.” In the blink of an eye, he supplied an answer with all the certainty of a wise scholar who’d spent his life studying how the world worked. I knew, all too well, how he felt about my brother. Part of the reason I slowly excused myself from family events over the years was that Aiden and Negan would constantly be looking for a reason to argue. Getting them to stop was like breaking up a dog fight--Aiden would never shut up and Negan was hell-bent on shutting him up.  
  
Knowing he was right about Aiden’s demeanor, I pressed my thumb and index into my temple to cover my eyes in frustration. He gently pulled my hand away and kissed the tips of my fingers. “It’s not just my brother, Negan, it's everything else you’re doing.” I couldn’t let him off the hook so easily.  
  
He looked up momentarily, seeking leniency, “Tell me something, baby, this boyfriend of yours,” I couldn’t help but flinch at his obvious heartbreak when he said it, “he ever killed anyone?”  
  
“Yeah,” my hesitance only strengthened his confidence in his belief that my bond with Rick was more of a lonely fling as opposed to an intimate love affair. As I had learned, there was still a lot of things I didn’t know about Rick, and Negan knew how to find every weak link in my armor so he could break it apart in a matter of minutes to reach my heart.  
  
His smug smirk made a reappearance just in time for his flat-voiced concerns. “He ever say how many? Or why? Or, hell, maybe even how?”  
  
Giving it some thought, I realized that he had never mentioned much besides the fact that he’d killed ‘a lot’ which was an answer that could depend on one’s perspective. Falteringly, I replied, “...no. It’s not really a conversation piece.”  
  
“So, maybe this guy’s killed more people than he’s letting on. Maybe he’s killed people just for the hell of it.” His words stiffened and I could sense his growing aggravation. “Maybe, he’s never brought it up because he thinks he’d lose his chance with you if you knew that he was a goddamn psychopath.”  
  
I wasn’t here to defend anyone’s honor, especially Rick’s, and especially not to Negan after what he’d done. “Do you have a point you’re getting at?” I crossed my arms in a petulant fashion and tried to speed through whatever head game he was playing.  
  
“Nine people, Cass, I’ve killed nine people since this started. Three with a knife, five with a bat, and one with a scalpel. Two of ‘em, I may have lost my temper, but the others, they were justified.” There were hard pills to swallow and knowing that my husband, the man who had always shown me devoted, undivided care and concern, personally ended nine lives was probably one of the hardest to accept. It broke my heart to see what the world made him do and had turned him into and that there was nothing I could do to take it back.  
  
Worst of all, I knew one of them was my brother. “Why are you telling me this?”  
  
“You wanted honesty, baby, I’m laying all my cards on the fucking table.” He inhaled sharply, “Do me a favor, Cassie, ask that prick how many people he’s killed and then come talk to me.” He forced my eyes to meet his with a gentle touch beneath my chin, “But if I see him lay one fucking hand on you, nine is gonna turn into ten real fucking quick.” He promised with all the brutality of a man who was desperately holding onto all that he had left. “I hope you come home soon, baby, I miss waking up to you,” he whispered against my lips and at last, he sounded like the man I knew; a heavy, sultry voice that made me wonder if heaven could ever sound as sweet as him and if hell could create a temptation more alluring.  
  
He turned to leave without another word but my mouth moved before I could think, “Negan, wait!”  
  
He sauntered back, stopping only when he was towering over me, tilting his head in the slightest with a ghost of a smile on his face. I held my breath and waited for him to say or do something.  
  
“Who are you?” he asked quietly, his voice flat and demanding.  
  
Unsure of what he meant, I knitted my brows in puzzlement. “What?”  
  
“Don’t think about it. Just answer. Who are you?”  
  
Not knowing what he wanted from me, I said the first thing that landed on my tongue when I heard him repeat the question. It was a natural reflex, like breathing or pulling my hand away from the heat of a flame to keep myself from getting burned. I didn’t think about it, I just answered. “I’m your wife.”  
  
I watched his easy, blissful smile tug at the corner of his cunning mouth and his hand gripped my arm. “Goddamn right you are,” he took his chance to crash his lips over mine not a moment too soon. He wasn’t forceful, he gave me enough time to push him away but when all I did was half-heartedly mumble an argument against his mouth, he finished what he started and pulled me against him with his hand in my hair and his tongue finding its way to mine. Before I came to my senses and began weakly smacking his shoulder with my hand, I was gripping his jacket and pulling him down to me.  
  
When I heard someone coming down the stairs, I began to panic but he grumbled for me to calm down and give him more time, his thumb leaving its memoir against the skin of my waist beneath my shirt. As the footsteps grew closer, he pulled himself away, biting my lip in vehemence as he did. I was left suffocating on my own heartbeat and he gripped my jaw in his hand.

“You’re mine and you and I both know it,” he growled with an irrefutable assertion.  
  
“O-okay,” I mumbled, unsure of how I was supposed to reply to his unbreakable articulation of our affinity toward one another. He gave me one last kiss on the corner of my mouth, his thumb following the line of my jaw before fixing my hair back behind my ear. He stepped back as soon as the footsteps stopped a few feet away from us. We turned to find the man who was starting to garner a reputation for finding me in unseemly situations.  
  
Negan smirked at Jesus in annoyance and strode past him, deliberately knocking him in the shoulder as he went. My body couldn’t decide between feeling flushed or fevered and left me with a dizzying repercussion that had me looking to the heavens above me rather than the man in front of me.

“I’ve never seen anyone get along with him so well,” Jesus spoke through a gentle smile and crossed his wrists in front of himself in a deferential fashion. I was expecting an outpour of expressive judgment but he was as passive as if he was watching the evening news. He had taken his long coat off and was left in a loose white long-sleeved shirt and dark blue pants that were tucked into tall boots. His comely appearance was oddly soothing.  
  
I stared blankly in response to his casual comment until I found my voice. “I’d hope not.” I attempted to break the ice with a half-hearted witticism. “He’s...my husband.” I looked down to my feet to hush the truth leaving my lips. It wasn’t that I was ashamed of being his wife, it was the look of contemptible shock that was impossible to ignore.  
  
He strode towards me, his eyes transfixed on the picture that I had been looking at earlier. “Didn’t know he had a soft side.” he mused, not unkindly.  
  
I subdued my chuckle with a heavy smirk, “I get that a lot.”  
  
He turned to me and spoke carefully as to not overstep his bounds, “I don’t mean to pry but I thought Rick--”  
  
“No, he’s...it’s complicated.” I cut him off to spare him the oxygen. “Negan and I were together for almost fifteen years when the world decided to end. We got in a fight and I drove to my brother’s and I never saw him again. I spent the last three years thinking he was dead and then I met Rick a few weeks ago.” It was as short and sweet as I could make it. “When I found out my husband was alive…”  
  
“Things got complicated.” he finished for me with a better understanding. I appreciated his lack of spiteful commentary and judgemental assumptions. I smothered my ironic laugh; he was starting to live up to his name.  
  
My sad smile was answer enough but still, I replied, “Yeah, exactly.”  
  
He continued to strike up a mildly pleasant conversation, “Was he always like this?”  
  
“No, no, of course not. I mean, he’s always been crass and a bit of a dick but he’s a good man.” I assured with an adamant nod. “Look, I don’t know what he’s done to you or your people and you probably don’t believe me, but he’s not who you think he is.” It was hard enough convincing people who knew him from before that he wasn’t a man with a cold, black heart so I had little hope for changing a stranger’s opinion.  
  
He sensed my anxious need to still protect him and assuaged me with a soft smile. “I believe you, really. Not many people are born to be killers but this world, it makes you do things you never thought you’d do. We’ve all done things we regret, myself included.” I knew he was doing his best to empathize with me but we both knew that a man who referred to himself as a holy savior had never done the things that my other half had done. He crossed his arms in front of his chest pensively. “Do you think he can change? Be the man he used to be?”  
  
It was a question I had given a fair amount of thought to but no one had ever asked. “I do. People change, they can come back from the things they’ve done.” Even in the old world people could redeem themselves from the horrors they’d committed.  
  
He mulled on my humanitarian outlook for a few minutes, leaving us in a delicate stillness that I tried my best to ignore by studying the painting once more. Finally, he spoke his mind, “So is that why you’re still with Rick? Because of the things your husband’s done?”  
  
It took me a while to come up with an answer that could asseverate the emotions that I still didn’t understand. I would never have used the word ‘indecisive’ to describe myself but these last few weeks had left me so torn that I could scarcely make a decision without second guessing myself.

“Honestly? I don’t know what the hell I’m doing anymore.” Things were better, I was happier, but everything had become painfully onerous.  
  
He laughed as if he had been in the same spot once, “I certainly don’t envy you, Cassie, but if you ever need to talk to anyone, I’m happy to listen.”  
  
“Are you always this kind to people you just meet?” I wondered.  
  
He shrugged as if it was common sense, “We’re all on the same side, right? I figure we get through this by helping one another, not by fighting over everything.”  
  
Comfortable enough to let out a sigh, I stuffed my hands in my back pocket and leaned my weight onto one side, “Wish more people thought that way.” Though I agreed with him, it seemed that there were others who did not. With everything that had been brought to light, it felt that the two sides of my life were holding knives at each other’s throats and it was wasted energy in my eyes.

As soon as he finished speaking, we both heard the shuffling of feet leaving the office upstairs. Naturally, Rick was the first one down, searching for me with a thin veil of concern over his blue eyes.

“There you are,” he smiled. “Everything alright?” Without jumping to conclusions, he allowed himself a suspicious glance to Jesus.

Momentarily, I was afraid that Jesus would paint the truth to Rick with a few accidental strokes of thought but he kept what was left of my dwindling integrity safely under wraps. “She found my favorite piece in the house,” Jesus gestured to the painting that lingered behind us. “Got caught up in conversation.”

I smiled a genuine, indebted expression of gratitude in his direction. “Your talk go well?” I changed the subject while I could.

“We were able to work out a deal.” Placing his hand behind my back, he nodded to the rest of the group as they made their way down the stairs. “Ready to go?” He guided me towards the front door and I was mildly surprised at how soon he had wanted to leave but it was a long drive home and the desire to keep Rick and Negan out of one another’s territory gave me a justifiable reason to not argue.

“Yeah, sure,” I replied, “what kind of deal?” Hopefully, it was one that would restock Alexandria’s food supply.

He opened the door and let me walk out first, “We can talk about it on the way home.”

Nodding, I stepped onto the ornate porch and was blinded by the dark figure leaning against a black sports car across the open yard, his arms folded plainly across his chest, his shoulders as broad and rigid as his patience. He looked up at me with a glowering stare that was directed to the man with soft eyes and a sharp hatchet that was always within hands reach.

I couldn’t help the dread that cemented my feet to the ground when every worst possible outcome played out in my head. After closing the entrance behind us, Rick searched for my sudden hesitancy and the moment he saw Negan, his body grew tense and the heated anger rolling off him could have kept me warm for months.

Just short of being dragged along behind him, Rick hastily walked to meet the man he had a vendetta with. “What the hell are you doing here?” he snapped. Negan inhaled slowly, keeping his hands tucked away against his chest as if he was already struggling to find peace with his temperamental imperative.

“None of your goddamn business,” his voice was like rusted silver, polished yet degraded with anger.

Imperceptible to everyone else, I could see the meteoric fluctuation in my husband’s dark eyes. He was doing his best to be the better man but Rick was testing his limits and I wasn’t willing to be witness to another fight.

“Rick, it’s fine, let’s just go,” I tugged on his forearm, pleading.

“No,” he argued, “no, it’s not.” It was as if he wanted to start a fight as he was adamant on staying.

Unimpressed, Negan lent his personal voice of reason, “Listen, prick, I’m here being as friendly as a fuckless fuck on free fuck day so why don’t you listen to Cass and get the hell out of here before I give you something to be pissed off about.” Then he looked to me and my heart dropped. “Unless you’d rather come home with me,” he winked.

Not having any of Negan’s importunate habits, he stepped in front of me to block my husband’s view. “I think it’s best you don’t talk to her,” he turned his suggestion into an implicit threat.

He was smiling now and it was because he was getting under Rick’s skin. “Oh, well, we already had ourselves a nice little chat. Didn’t we, baby?” Rick’s heated gaze shot to me to find the truth and my reluctant acknowledgment of his attention was the only answer he needed.

“You stay the hell away from her,” he snarled, taking a step forward.

“Rick…” I tried to keep my voice light but it was heavy with dread.

“I can talk to my wife whenever I damn well please,” Negan did him the favor of meeting him halfway.

“She’s not your wife anymore,” Rick embraced the challenge with open arms and fought back with a denotative weapon that would cut him deep.

What I was certain would be the flame that would light his fuse, only made him chuckle in a smoky inflection, “You sure about that?”

He had grated Rick’s final nerve and before I could change his mind, Rick pushed me away from the scene and swung first. When I lost my balance and fell to the ground with my hands taking the brunt of the pain, Negan looked to me after recovering from a hit to the face and I shook my head to plead with him to stop while he was ahead. Instead, he faced Rick and lunged at him, shoving him to the dirt with the force of a bullet leaving a gun.

Fighting against my stumbling panic, I watched Negan close the distance between him and Rick to hit him while he was down. Using the momentum of his stride, he kicked Rick in the ribs as if he was kicking the door to his happiness down.

“Negan, stop it!” I shouted to him as I scrambled to my feet. He could be a force of nature when he was provoked and just a few fleeting seconds stood between a bruise and a broken bone. “Goddammit, Negan, stop it!” I put all my weight against him when I collided with him but I was too small in comparison to have much influence. I wrapped my arms around his arm to break his attention away and he relieved the tension in his body at my touch but I could hear his hatred with every heavy breath he took. “Jesus Christ, calm down!” I hadn’t been quick enough to stop him from driving the toe of his boot into Rick’s side a few more times, but I was able to stop him before he got any further.  
  
“Don’t you fucking touch her!” Blood dripped from the corner of his mouth as he yelled at Rick. He pulled me off of him with his free hand before pressing me against his chest as if I was his personal stress ball and I wriggled in his grasp but it was fruitless.  
  
I heard Rick coughing through the agony as his boots scuffed against the ground in his effort to stand up. “What makes you think she wants to be with you?” Rick finally retorted, his torso bent over slightly to ease his discomfort.  
  
“I’m her goddamn husband, that’s what, you fucking asshole.” he snapped back as he let me go. “What? You seriously think you know her? You don't know shit about making her happy.”  
  
“Is that why she ran? Because you made her happy?” Rick was letting his anger drive his steps back towards Negan and I was slowly becoming the only thing keeping them apart. I kept my hands on Negan, either to protect him or keep him from hurting Rick; I wasn’t sure at this point. “She doesn't love you, not anymore, not after all the shit you've done.”  
  
Negan wove a tapestry of obscenities and tried to fight his way past me but I wouldn’t let him. “Rick, that’s enough! Both of you!” I didn’t exactly agree with Rick’s opinion and I wasn’t sure how long I could hold back my raging other half. “Please, don’t do this, not now,” I whispered to Negan. He was a man of his word and I knew he was itching to fulfill his promise that he had made back in the house. “You’re better than that, Negan, please,” I begged with desperate eyes and he gave me a curt nod.

“Talk to him, Cass, I mean it.” He was adamant about removing the wool from my eyes. Perhaps he believed that it would give him a fair playing field. I’d found out his secrets and if I learned of Rick’s, maybe Negan would gain the advantage he was searching for. It was something I needed to find out for myself, though, and I knew he was right.

“I will,” I mouthed my reassurance and he left as soon as my lips were closed in silence once more. I wanted to scream the frustration out of my body as I watched him make his way towards one of the silver tinted trailers across the field. It had only been a few weeks since he’d found his way back into my life and I wasn’t sure how much more of the conflict I could continue to sit through before I snapped under the weight of it all...but I was porcelain when the world had turned to stone and I was left in hands that were carved for destruction.

 

 

 

 

 

 I know that I'm the one controlling this particular story so this won't make any sense, but if I was Rick and saw that Negan was my girlfriend's husband, I'd be like "Fuck this, I'm out, you can keep her." Because I mean, goddamn, how is it legal for him to look like that??

And if there is ANYONE who thinks that Negan doesn't love his wife or care about anyone but himself after these latest episodes, I WILL FIGHT YOU. I know it's from the comics but when Maggie went to kill Negan and JDM FUCKING KILLED IT WITH THE EMOTION I wanted to cry all over again (even though I was already crying from Rick!)  

 

 

Oh, Mr. Lincoln (Clutterbuck),

I'm not usually one for devotional speeches but you, sir, are one hell of an actor and a human being and I simply cannot stop myself. For the past nine years, you have shown to me, Sunday after Sunday, what an amazing, incomparable actor you are. From the moment I saw you, I fell in love, not because of your looks, but because of how you pour your heart, soul, and emotion into playing Rick Grimes. I've watched many shows in my lifetime and I can confidently say that I have never grown so attached to a character and I don't think I ever will. I have cried when Rick cried, felt his anger, shared his joy and happiness and believed in him no matter what. When I heard that Rick was leaving the show I was sad because there is no other man who could fill your shoes and, though the show won't be the same without Rick, I know that your mark will forever be engrained in the show's spirit and I can't wait to see where it goes. Thank you for a remarkable, indescribable nine years (and thanks for making me, a person who rarely cries, sob like a child in Rick's last episode). You will be missed, but I know you will only move on to greater things.

<3 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I'm sure that there are a few people who aren't liking where this story is going and I apologize because it's not gonna get any better haha
> 
> A few disclaimers too:
> 
> I got the number of people Negan has killed from the "Here's Negan" book (it's actually 7 but I changed it to fit the story more). I know he's probably killed more people in the show but I ain't got time for that.
> 
> And, I'm sorry if the latter half of the chapter sucked, I have been packing and cleaning and trying to get this chapter out before I move in a few days so it's probably not my best work (sad face).
> 
> Lastly, I realize that this "walking dead" story doesn't have a lot of walking dead in it but I promise, they'll come in later! (not that anyone reads these for the zombies??)
> 
> All that being said, I am super excited for the next 2 to 3 chapters. There's gonna be some big changes coming! (death, cough, cough). 
> 
> Be safe and have lovely days all! Thank you for reading this disturbing, ridiculous story of mine!
> 
> <3


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